Sell Outs and Escapism

This is going to be one of the posts where I am trying to process my own emotion and may be a bit roundabout in the process because I started out writing not entirely sure what was bothering me. I felt a little frustrated while everything around me was telling me to be happy and I didn't feel happy. I knew there was a reason for it so I started digging.*

*I can be happy but at first I need to acknowledge this frustration and try to put it in context. If you want to see what kind of negative thoughts I have and how I turn them into more positive ones, read on (although it's a bit sloppy). If you prefer a more motivational post, check out my last one instead: Charisma and the Rhythm of Heart and Mind.

This weekend was a street music festival. 100 bands in total, most of which were pay-what-you want. The week before was probably a festival and the week before as well...I can't even remember anymore.

I'm hesitant to say anything but this isn't sitting right with me. Of course I know many people would be jealous to know that I can enjoy festival after festival and half of them are within walking distance. Every day (at least every weekend) is a party. Sounds great right?

Maybe there's something broken inside me or maybe I am seeing something other people aren't seeing. At a certain point, these events feel forced to me. That's not to say they can't be fun or pleasant. But saying you like bananas is one thing, eating 17 bananas a day is another.

In Tokyo it is not uncommon for people with vibrant social lives to fill their entire schedule with events.

At a certain point, I have to ask...is there a problem here?

The event today and yesterday was full of talented musicians, a few of which I know and like. We had 3 bands in particular we wanted to watch and we knew there could be other good ones so we made a point to keep the weekend free.

Although it was a "free event" we ended up spending a ton of money. Each band had a donation box that they passed around, some more aggressively than others. Also in Japan, people don't want to go against the grain and so when one person puts in 1000 yen note in, that becomes the norm, suddenly no one gives change anymore, only bills.

The bands mostly did very well for themselves, which is good, I have no complaints about that!

But something about the energy of many of the performers just didn't rub me the right way. It felt like they were just doing their job and I was just a customer. From a certain perspective, this is exactly what it is and what it should be, but for me, this is the difference between commercial and non-commercial music.

In my eyes, if you make good art, just like if you make a good business, and if you present it well and create opportunities to make money, you don't have to push so hard to earn money, the art or the business can sell itself. I would like to this that if you didn't sign a contract with a big company and continue to play music, it's because you actually enjoy it.

The phrase "down to earth" comes to mind. I used to not really understand what this word meant, but now I think I know. It's someone that can treat you as a human being rather than just a means to an end. It doesn't mean you can't pay them for a service or a product, but that payment doesn't have an impact on the relationship either way. The relationship is the relationship and the payment is the payment. The only connection between relationship and payment is that if you really like them, you want to support them more.

To NOT be down to earth would be to try and convince people to like you disingenuously, saying things you don't want to say and doing things you don't want to do because you know it'll make people like you and give you more money.

I don't think these artists do it consciously, it's just trained from their experience, they know that certain behaviors lead to more successful outcomes.

That's why the really impressive artists often have difficult or strange personalities, because they can't fake it, and so they don't get distracted by the games.

Some people say this is just how it is, that people want to earn more money and they are going to do whatever it takes to earn it. I can't really understand. If that's how you feel, get a desk job at a law firm or get good at programing. If you insist on making music, make music for commercials and popular film scores, or convince a label to sign you.

If you are gonna be real, then be real.

I don't want to criticize the artists themselves. It's a tough thing to navigate, and there is no right and wrong answer. There is also no clear definition of what is real and what is fake. I might feel the performers are being fake but in their mind, this is them and they are being honest. Not everyone digs into their true emotions the same way, and not everyone expresses things the same way.

The issue is that making a living has become more and more difficult for people in the city, and some still insist on pursuing their dreams. That often that means playing as many shows as possible and trying to milk each one for as much money as possible.

I get it! I designed my own merch with the intention of making money too. I charge more for my novels because earning $2 for a novel while the distributor and store both earn $5 a piece feels unfair to me. I might be polite to someone who is giving me a compliment even if I don't really understand the compliment or even if I'm tired and don't feel like talking.

There is some level of compromise whenever we deal with other people and only more so when money is involved.

I just don't want this to be the starting point, the attitude with which artists approach art. They can make products if they want, but don't put the product in front of the creativity, the curiosity, the emotion and the interaction. You can still make money, just put more effort in the work and the presentation, you don't need to coax people.

These thoughts kept swirling around in my head as I watched these performances. I tried to give them all the benefit of the doubt, and enjoyed whatever I could of the event before heading home early.

The other jarring point, that I started getting at above is that this rhythm of constant events and parties and festivals....

I don't think anyone really WANTS to be this busy. There is just a FOMO around missing these events that are supposed to be fun and fulfilling, and so everyone fills their schedule to the brim.

I think the reason people are scared of missing out on these events is that there isn't enough joy in their daily lives. When you have more joy in your daily life, missing a festival isn't the end of the world. Having a slow week or month isn't a bad thing.

My favorite thing about staying in Xiamen for 2-3 years, before it became overpopulated and commercial, was that there was JUST ENOUGH to do, but every single day was pleasant and full of possibilities. You didn't have to make a plan, you could just step out and walk around the central area and run into friends or interesting strangers.

You could bring a guitar to a park and invite some friends and chances are, they'd be free enough to go join you about 60-70% of the time. On the other hand, there WERE some awesome musicians and artists and events, and enough people to feel like you didn't know the entire scene, there was still always something to explore.

Some of Tokyo's neighborhoods used to feel like this to me, the 10th or 12th most popular stations if you were to rank them, but now these places are all rising in popularity.

As the area becomes more popular, things get more competitive, living costs go up, and suddenly, you feel that there is so much going on but nothing really fills that hole.

People stay out all night and make themselves feel like shit the next day because they want to run away from the pressure of their daily lives.

I don't think this is an issue exclusive to the city, it just takes a different form in the city and country. In the country, there tends to be more gossip and harsher judgement of outsiders, which is probably caused by the same thing, a desire for people to escape their regular lives.

I don't want to escape my regular life. If I want to escape it, I will escape it, I'll do whatever it takes. And so I've started insisting on following my own rhythm, which can be a little confusing to people, but that's ok.

I find pleasure in music and the company of friends, but when I start to feel overwhelmed by the crowds or the noise, I go home or find somewhere quiet to escape. I've been known to disappear during parties for an hour, just taking a walk by myself or with any friend or stranger who is willing to take a walk with me.

People think that I must be so obsessed with my partner and being alone with her, or that I must be really busy with work, or that I am not interested in them or what they are doing, but that's all just their misinterpretation. I just don't want to escape my life.

Sometimes 1 hour a week of parties is enough for me. Sometimes I want to have a deeper conversation. Sometimes, I just want to work on my own shit or I'm not in the mood. I don't NEED to meet people every single day to forget about how hard my life is.

My life has difficult parts for sure, but I will do anything it takes to bake some joy into the overall experience of each day. So I work in a way that probably isn't the most profitable but leaves me feeling more positive about work and sometimes even more energized after work.

I want to make money from my art, but my other work is enjoyable enough that I don't need to quit at all costs, I'd probably keep going with it even if I didn't have to, that just gives me more freedom to create the art I want to create rather than adjusting everything I do to focus on what is more profitable. I don't drain myself by playing more shows than I am in the mood to play.

Of course I wish I could work a little bit less, just because it's hard to balance so many things, but I'm making great progress towards that goal.

Anyway, this was a bit of a mess, but I guess maybe some parts of it resonated with someone somewhere, and maybe some of it didn't really resonate and that's ok.

I just want to feel better when I go out to these kinds of events, even if it's not the most raw and impactful event of my life, and I think the way to do that is to keep trying to build that atmosphere I want by myself, rather than waiting for someone to come along and spoon feed it to me.

So Onward to that world, I guess! :-D

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