I woke up with a knot in my stomach.
It was just a dream....
I keep telling myself that but the knot doesn't untangle.
I invited RX Bandits, one of my favorite bands from high school to come play in Tokyo. I may have promised a big crowd or some kind of compensation that was far too optimistic. They got here and played in front of a measly 12 people, hardly enough ticket sales to pay for the plane tickets, which I convinced them to dish out themselves.
After the show, they ignored me completely, refusing to even make eye contact. I tried to apologize but it was useless.
It was just a dream though, no big deal, right?
I woke up and felt an intense sense of shame for how I behaved, manipulating them to come because I wanted them to come.
In fact, this was not just a dream. It really happened. The band and location were different, and they accepted my apology, but everything else really happened.
In high school, I invited a fairly well known band from the next state over to come play a show near my hometown. I promise a big crowd. They were generous to come with only a vague promise of a percentage of ticket sales, and little knowledge of the venue.
They got there and in the end we only managed to gather about 20 people for 3 bands. My partner in this plan had the idea that we deserved half the money since we were organizers and so in the end, the band only $50, just enough for dinner for the 4 members.
If it were to happen now I would have handled it much differently. I would have tempered their expectations, warned them that it was my first time arranging such a show. I would have forfeit my cut and argued with my friend that 50% for the organizer is unfair when we hardly even brought a crowd. I would have advertised more at my school. I would have encouraged people to buy their albums and merch. I would have sent them an email to show my appreciation afterwards.
But I didn't do any of that. I was happy to earn $25 and didn't want to forfeit it. It was the first money I had ever earned doing something related to my passion. I didn't argue with my friend because I didn't want any drama. I didn't advertise at my school because I thought no one would be interested. I thought no one wanted to come to an event that I held. I thought I couldn't convince anyone, although I realize now that a lot of people looked to me for what kind of music to listen to, just not my closest friends necessarily.
I avoided talking to the band. I felt too ashamed. Not too ashamed to give up $25, "my precious". Just ashamed enough to feel like an idiot.
The band pretended it never happened. They greeted me when I went to their show a few months later, and it seemed they had forgotten, just like I hoped they would.
But that feeling of shame, it is still there.
"What kind of garbage does that?" "Who would ever want to work with you?" "You aren't good enough, clearly". I don't speak those words to myself anymore but they seem to be imprinted on this tiny little part of my subconscious mind.
I want to release them, to scrub the walls clean.
I spent a few minutes telling my inner 17 year old, "You know better now." "It's fine, they've dealt with much worse than you." "You learned from these mistakes" "You can do so much better than that if you try again".
The knot in my stomach finally untangled and I felt relieved to be able to breathe.
I wonder what else is hiding in there?
I wonder what other kinds of knots are hiding, waiting to be untangled.
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More of the healing process with a new YouTube short:
How did I stop feeling like shit?
How did I stop feeling like shit?