I have lived many lives in this body and I have many more yet to live. Some have been broken down into the ground and some have held my shit together.
There is a village inside of me. Each member is me, just as much as any other. Most of them get along these days, but a few have been relegated to the outskirts.
I’d like to get to know them all a bit better, each and every one of them. What makes them tick. Who feels neglected? I shall see that they feel loved. Who has been working overtime? I shall give them a rest.
I can feel a child hurt by the cruelty of the world. He banished himself at my command, but he still lingers just outside my awareness, awaiting to be let back in.
He was meant to be my backbone but he let anger get the best of him. He reminds me of what’s wrong with the world...because he is hurt. He doesn’t understand why he has to defend himself constantly. His beliefs were considered a crime. He’s been accused of being wrong, even when he knew he was right. And so he rejects the idea of playing nice. Rather than cause the village any more problems, he hid himself in the corner of my consciousness. He had actually cause problems for years before finally realizing what he was doing, and the shame sent him into self-banishment. It was easy to mistake this for ego-death, and in some ways, it was. For the cycle to be complete, he must be reborn.
There is another me, one that just wants to play. It knows nothing else. But when it became time to work, he didn’t know what to do with himself. The other me’s gently nudged him into another corner, and he, not wanting to disturb, lost his will and crawled up into a ball. We need him desperately. He is our fire.
It’s been years since I had an inner dialogue. That may be in part because I’ve chilled out a lot, and found a certain level of peace, but it’s also possible that I silenced them without even realizing it, just in order to keep the whole village together. At some point, I need to reunite with them.
There is the me whose been in charge these past few months. We created him and put him in charge because we needed someone like him, but he is asking me if he can stand back and become an advisor rather than call the shots himself.
There are others too, but I need to honor each of them with the proper attention, help them integrate into a greater whole. I will get to know these three first, and see where to go from there.
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