It’s funny how quickly things turn around. You may be feeling like crap one day and then by the end of the week you feel like everything is coming together, then one little piece of news and it comes crashing down.
I don’t know if others feel this way often but I certainly have.
When I was younger, I had no protective or reversal mechanisms and so I would lean fully into whichever way life was signaling. If things were going well, I’d be ecstatic to the point of not being able to read the air and see when others were not feeling it. I’d think things were going to go well consistently from there on out. Or when things came crumbling down, I’d help them crumble faster with self sabotage.
These days I have lots of different tools that I’ve built into my psyche to recover from the crashes quickly. Most importantly I cleaned up all the negativity that was responsible for the self-sabotage. I learned to take life less seriously and so I don’t take it as personally when things don’t work out. I get practical.
I’ve learned when I need to retreat from others and tend to my own thought process. “I feel like crap, I need to make sure this doesn’t spread into other aspects of my life”. That usually means I need to indulge in some things that just feel good for a few days and not think much about the future. Just be in the now and enjoy whatever there is to enjoy.
This is when I really cut the news and social media intake to 0 and usually don’t meet people unless I know I’ll feel better just by seeing them. This has less to do with the person and more to do with what’s going on in their life. If I feel like crap, I’d want to see a friend who just quit their job and feels good about it, or who is relaxed enough and not looking to talk about anything serious.
It’s important to be able to recognize how low your HP and MP is, that way you know when you need some maintenance. It’s also important to be able to focus on the things that feel good now. If you can’t feel good about what you are doing, you’ll bring those crap feelings to whatever future you are creating.
Everything was going great for the past 2 or 3 months. I finally released a mini-novel and was in talks with someone about starting a business together. And then somewhere along in the talks I realized we had very different goals in mind for the business and it might not be a good idea to work together, at least not right now. It has more to do with our priorities and our positions in society than his personality. I like him a lot but I have a vision to introduce new ideas and experiment while I think he is just looking to build a comfortable future for himself. I don’t doubt that we could create a comfortable future for both of us but it would require him to trust me to take huge risks and I don’t think he is willing to take those risks, nor do I want to ask him to.
The fact that my future stability is up in the air again (for the thousandth time) again, it was difficult to accept. When I came to this realization that working together wasn’t the best path for me to choose, it was like a big punch in the face...finally it seemed like all my plans were coming together, I could rest easy about my visa and about my future as long as I put in the work. I was merely fantasizing about an easier way out. The truth is, I have a lot more work ahead of me than I want to admit, and even if it all goes smoothly, it will require me to take those risks by myself. Twice the risk...
But also twice the reward, I suppose. If my plans actually do come to fruition, it will be something incredibly special that will really make a difference in people’s lives, not only pay the bills and keep me fed.
I’m feeling deflated. I have little energy these past 3 days because of the change of plans and this long road ahead of me. It feels like too much. But as I get back to my senses, I realize that what was deflated was just hot air. It was my ego looking for easy answers.
Once the hot air is let out I will see that I’m even stronger and more capable and confident than before. The road that I’m required to travel in order to create this incredible future will turn me into someone deserving of it and able to maintain it.
I’ll probably be lazy and play games for a few more days but I’ve already resolved to hire someone to help me with advertising for my freelance work. I will go along with my original plan to build up my freelance work as the backbone of my future business. I’ll put everything into that for the next 6 months and see where it takes me.
For the next 2 or 3 days, I give myself permission to lick my wounds and mess around a little. I’m almost finished with Final Fantasy 13 and a third of the way through Assasin’s Creed Brotherhood. Eager to finish these and start FF12 and get along to assasins creed 3 and explore a new time period. I won’t be killing time, or trying to escape reality. I’ll be using these games to get excited, transferring all sense of accomplishment into energy that I can use in my physical life.
This is just another tool in my arsenal, a method I have of finding more motivation to push forward with my dreams, rather than giving up and straying down some path that makes me feel like Less inspired.
So if you are feeling deflated, give yourself proper rest and find something to feel good about. The smaller or simpler, the better.
You don’t want to build a future on hot air.
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