A lot has happened over the past decade or so that caused me to kind of shrivel up into a ball and hide from the world. I know it doesn’t seem like that because my life is already full of interesting stories and characters, but I know what I’m like at 100% and this is nothing.
I have a new layer of anxiety that comes from all kinds of battle scars, physical issues, financial issues, changing so many life habits and not being fully able to reprient myself because the world has changed even more than I have.
I also also been tryinn to overcome the social anxiety I had as a kid and buried deep underneath my psyche while trying to conform just enough to avoid making myself a target, and absolutely no more.
It turns out that even that level of conforming was a kind of self betrayal. I may just be more of a freak than most people or I may have a lower tolerence for bullshit, but I find that my true desire is to shake things up as much se I can without being forceful or disrespectful to others.
I don’t want the extra attention, just enough respect and recognition and money to be able to move through the world without any issues. But I don’t want to sit by quietly without challenging peoples assumptions about how life is and how life should be.
If people truly choose to be a certain way, that is 100% their own perogative and I have nothing to argue with. If they want to act like robots on the train or wear trendy clothes or get face piercings or work a job they hate or gamble everything on their dreams, I have no reason to tell them to do otherwise. To each their own.
But I want to see a world where people understand what motivates them and try to evolve and become the people they want to be, and create the kind of world they want to live in for themselves.
That’s not usually what I see around me.
I’ve learned over and over agaon that trying to force the world and other people to change will land me flat on my face. So all I can do is challenge myself.
I do things that make me slightly embaressed, that put me in unfamiliar sitautions and that force me to adapt. It’s what I’ve always done.
That old anxiety is coming to the surface now because I’ve gotten rid of all my excuses. I can’t say “that’s what everyone does” or because I don’t follow anyone anymore. I can’t blame anything on being drunk cause I quit drinking. I can’t blame it on being a foreigner because I know how to fit in with the locals.
I can’t blame it on a lack of experience cause I’ve been around.
I still can fool myself into thinking it’s because of health issues or a lack of energy but I know that’s not what it is. I can fool myself into thinking I don’t have enough money for this or that when I look at my bank account but I know this kind of thinking leads to less energy flowing towards me.
I could blame it on not having a team, or friends to invite because my schedule is so different from everyone else, but I like that freedom and always have.
I could blame it on not wanting to scare away potential clients or support but I already see clearly that being mysef will allow me to find real sustainable support.
There is so much I can blame my anxiety on, or my hesitence to do the little things I want to do, but I’ve burnt all that isn’t real and I have to face the reality that it’s just fear.
Sometimes the fear is warrented and sometimes it isn’t but that’s all it is.
I fear unpleasant interactions. I fear people proving to me that humanity is hopeless and that people are more bad than they are good, or that life is more about pain and suffering than joy and play and love.
But i know none of that is true. It’s just a program. A very powerful program.
It’s the program that told me I was too poor to afford to go to a hookah place for the first time in 5 years. “It costs 3x more than when I used to go regularly”. “I can’t relate to people who have money to spend on that”. “I don’t want to have the same boring small talk that tends to come up when talking to strangers”. “What if the music is horrible and I want to leave ASAP?” “What if I regret spending $15 when my income is still not what it should be to live the life I want to live?”
But the anxiety about wanting to enter the shop alone, that is the was a sogn to me that I should do it, and so I did. And I don’t regret it.
There is a girl in the corner who is ignoring everything but her phone, and the staff is laid back and friendly but not pushy and has a decent enough EQ to ask interesting questions and create a chance to avoid conversation but also makes me feel welcome here.
I am happy I came.
I used to spend a lot of time at a hookah bar 15 years ago and I find it the easiest way to socialize in Tokyo. It used to cost 600 yen and now it costs 2500 so I felt priced out of it for a long time but since they tend to open at 2-3 pm, a time when I like socializing the most (between work rather than before or after work) it fits into my life well.
I’m still not sure how I will make money to come here once a week, which would be nice, but maybe coming here will open up some bew possibilities since the customers tend to have more money than most people I currently know, and are equally open to various people from various walks of life. Shisha can gather all kinds of people in Tokyo and they also don’t adhere as closely to social norms. They tend to be comfortable going out alone and socializing with strangers but keeping enoigh distance to escape easily.
In other words, they tend to be a lot like me.
I don’t want to get addicted to tabacco, have never smoken regular cigarettes but I do see myself smoking 2-3 times a month. $15 feels like a lot to spend an hour or two sitting on a sofa but twice an extra $50 a month to feel a new social circle open up feels completely worth it to me.
And this Apple Cinamon Guava is tasty too.
It’s slightly indulgent but I definitely deserve it.
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And here are some Tokyo vibes for you: