Something that has been on my mind without realizing is that I still haven't found myself completely yet. And I sort of lost myself again these last couple of three weeks. I started a new job and I thought I was lucky because I could work from home but today I come to terms with myself, I have felt it the last couple of days, that this job is not for me and I felt exhausted and locked in, so I called and quit it. Sure it gave me experience and all but it wasn't worth all the confusing and exhausting stuff.
That night we were talking about different stuff like how we review family and boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and other stuff. This talk made me thought if I have the right review or the wrong one or that others have it wrong. Maybe it's a little of both for me. I value different stuff and hate marriage because of I grow up in a broken home and with a whole family that was very broken which have made me questioning and be very critical for both marriage and relationship and with heavy trust issues but at this time it has been improved. It slightly lingers there for outsiders but I think it will be better the further I go in this.
Honestly, at this point, I feel a little broken and confused at the same time. It just went boom tonight I don't really know where I stand but at the same time, I want to lose and to keep it at the same time because I feel that it's right for me. We are different and see different on these things but I feel I'm wrong but at the same time right. I still feel like these values I have is right but are still questioning it. I don't know what is right but at the same time, the other view doesn't feel right either. How do you know?
While sitting here and thinking about it made me realize again that how someone else views have in some sort of way with me but at the same time that has not to do with me or my opinion and it's ok to question it. Sure, I was born in a broken home and many of my values may not be correct but because of my experience and what I have seen doesn't mean that I am wrong in this. I know it will take time to change things and some may never change. Who says that my opinion is at fault when it can be the other person? You can always ask for another person opinion on certain things but that doesn't mean that it's correct. I'm ok to listen to what another person values in a relationship and what that person thinks is correct for them but that doesn't mean that those values are correct for me. It doesn't feel right. Even though my experience has given me trust issues doesn't mean I won't stay loyal to you, it just takes longer for me to trust you and let you be close to me.
Love,
Sarfine
