Hi dear comunity
As an really open person i JUST want to say few words as i cant sleep right now …
Am dealing with hard depression and anxiety like 21 years now ? Its starts really Quick in my childhood bc of my abusive father . It wasnt easy but to rise like this but i Can handle it .
As iam artist from my 12 years old, and like maybe Last 3 years art is my fulltime job and freelance income, as my own self manager / i Can say - i crush myself to a wall.
I drink alcohol like Last 15 years nonstop only with a half year sobriety Last year. I gettin to my 30yo, ussing and absuing hard combinations of my prescripted drugs (ssri, gabas, …)
Can you imagine how it is to drink like 12 beers , eat 10x 20mg od progabalin + 40mg of ditulox a day, and normaly work and be Sane ?
I touch my hard bottom Last week . I almost destroy ewerything i Have bc of my inner sadness + iracional thinkin about this lifestyle heal all my pain.
Iam almost one week Free. No alcohol, i stop using my pills. Withtrwal syndroms are fuckin nighmare. Woke up in night Full of sweat cold ja fuck ( reallly those scenes from trainspotting - i was feel like that, everyday i still Have a really diziness)
You cant inagine how it is to let go The biggest influence on you - drugs. Or maybe you Can ? I believe
Today, i feel better. I really focuse on my work. Fuck about physical feeling and let only my happines in a moment work for my best . Maybe iam Lost, but definetly dont want to end this journey, and first time in my life - i start to believe myself and i feel RELEEF .
Please, i know this seems like an cry for help and i Can honestly say- i feel Alone . Iam new JUST a few months in a new city , Have obły a few good friends WITCH i love as f—k, but iam destroyed inner and feel like i dont want to speak so much and destroy a mood so i really cant open myself for somebody. I JUST - JUST believe i find a right way for me. I believe a hard work on myself as an person purify my road for my achievements and this hard lesson learn me how to be happy bc of who iam, whom i love, what i love.
Thank You for your time dear readers. I feel better with every single word . Please dont be shame to be open Even if its a forum or speak to friend . Love yall
Sammuel Efraym
