For weeks now I've been feeling really depressed. It's not a usual state for me - I usually shake things off quickly. This time I've been as close to wanting antidepressants as anything, but as usual, I'm not convinced they are the answer for me. I get that they are for some people but I think for me they'd create more problems than they solve.

I had been carrying a deep sadness, anxiety and a strange kind of emotional numbness for about a month now, long enough to be worried and be clutching at straws trying to find solutions and pulling out all the tools in the toolbox. My sleep was terrible (which wasn't too unusual, but didn't help). My chest often felt tight. My mind would keep circling over the smallest worries, and I felt totally exhausted.

Psychotherapy didn't seem to fit, though the GP gave a referral and EMDR seemed tempting. I'm wary of creating narratives that stick and I havent' got along with psychologists before that seemed to just want to know what your relationship with your parents was like and whether you've done hard drugs. I could pay myself $200 to answer those questions.

Then I remembered acupuncture, I've always loved it and had success with this modality but hadn't been in years. A quick Google found me someone local and he had an appointment free that week. I wanted to get a woman but of course she was booked out - and this guy used to live in my street and was said to be really lovely.

I detailed to Peter all the dresses of the last few years - some of you know them, Peter asked me to close my eyes and, in his very calm and compassion voice, asked me to drop into my body. It was a way of identifying what I was experiencing. Immediately it felt clear to me that it was a wave of grief over Dad ontop of everything else. This time last year (coming up to his birthday on Thursday and a month out from his death) I was busy buying a house and was distracted. This time my subconscious remembered.

I couldn't stop sobbing. Like absolute blubbering, and I wasn't about to stop. In fact I had to ask him to stop as I didn't want to spend the entire hour crying. That was fine - he felt my pulse, and put me on the table to needle me. I always make them explain what their choices are because I know a little bit about meridians and TCM, and find it fascinating. Honestly, I could lay on a table all day with needles in me. My body just gets this modality.

Rather than simply looking at "depression" or "anxiety", TCM (chinese medicine) seemed interested in the whole picture — the grief, the feeling of being stuck, the poor sleep, the tension in my body, my digestion, my general sense of depletion. His diagnosis and treatment aligned with what I was thinking - all those emotions stuck in my body. The lack of flow.

Afterwards he gave me a prescription of Chinese herbs.The herbs were intended, in TCM terms, to help things move again, settle the nervous system and support me underneath all of that.

In the morning, I woke up and sobbed for an hour when Jamie left for work (thank god, as the poor guy keeps trying to fix me). I let myself feel the grief, let it come, and afterwards got up and had a shower and got on with things. Grief comes in waves. There is no timeline. No way of telling it's coming.

Then something strange happened over the weekend. I got up, went surfing, came home - and felt lighter. It was marked. The tightness in my chest disappeared. I felt - joy.

Honestly, after a month or so, one can forget what joy feels like. I sat in the sun, knitted, read a book. Life felt good. And then the next day, I went flying. It felt like the universe had put a big bandaid on my soul. It felt like hope.

Now, I'm not going to claim that Chinese herbs cured my depression or that crying was some magical emotional detox - I don't doubt there will be more lows and anxieties. But it helped shift something and it was a reminder that TCM is a tool that works for me.

I love how it can look at all of these seemingly separate things - because there is a tendency to look at them separately (here's a tool for grief, here's another pill for lack of sleep) instead of a whole system issue.

Whilst I don't feel totally better, I feel a little more like myself again this week. The world has colour again. The tight grip has loosened a little.