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Three days after ringing in the New Year in 2015, I became deaf. I know that seems almost unbelievable. At least it seemed that way to me when it happened. I remember pinching myself on the arm, over and over again, thinking that I had to be having one of those creepy realistic nightmares.
The initial experience made me question my sanity because I literally felt like I'd been dropped onto a different planet or trapped in a parallel dimension where everything seemed the same in most ways, but definitely was not the same. Everything for me was on mute! I laughed to myself, albeit, a little hysterically as I saw every day familiar things that had morphed into something strange and almost alien.
My hearing loss was profound. A 90 decibal loss in both ears. To put that into perspective, I would not be able to hear someone screaming at the top of their lungs unless they were 3-4 feet away from me. Even then, I would not be able to discern what they were screaming about. Just that they were making a noise.
Given my extreme hearing loss, most people, myself included, would assume that my world became silent, even peaceful. Unfortunately, that was not at all the case. Instead of being shrouded in a peaceful cloud of silence, I was thrown into a world that I might only imagine as some milder form of Hell.
Instead of the silence that logically would be expected in the event of deafness, I heard ceaseless and terrible noises at all times. The medical term for this is Tinnitus. Tinnitus is produced by the nerves and the brain without any external input and can range from soft to loud and take the form of any number of noises from ringing, hissing, whistling, buzzing, etc. It is extremely annoying to the person suffering from it.
After I suddenly went deaf, my brain seemed to shit its pants so-to-speak. It was expecting input from the ears and when it didn't get any, it began to make its own. I was also filled with anxiety over suddenly losing my hearing, which seemed to make it worse. I heard things that I do not even want to remember for fear of my mind deciding to replay those noises again.
Sometimes, the noises were so loud that I would actually sit on the floor in the fetal position and try to cover my ears (which was useless) and squeeze my eyes close and whimper because it was actually painful. The noises for me ranged from someone blowing a loud coaches' whistle directly into my ear to human-like screamign as if someone were being murdered to evil carnival music for a horror movie and many other highly unpleasant things. Sometimes, the noises were just annoying. Once I heard Whitney Houston singing "I-- I ---I will always loooove youo ooooooooo ouuuuuuuuuuuu" for several hours non-stop. Not the entire song mind you. Just that part. Over and over and over and over! You get the picture.
I remember begging the doctors to give me something to make it stop and their response was basically that there was nothing they could do. For me, it was like being mentally tortured all the time. These dreaded noises began within a moment after taking my first waking breath each morning and never stopped until I fell into a deep sleep. I could not imagine living the rest of my life this way. I would feel my heart race when some of the more terrible noises would start. It's hard not to feel stressed out when you hear noises like someone screaming like they are being murdered.
I remember telling my parents that I would try everything possible to mitigate my issues, but that if nothing could be done in the endm that I would be forced to take my own life because I could not go on like that forever. I was not suicidal and did not want to die, but I was pragmatic about the whole thing. I did not want my parents to feel bad or be taken by surprise or not understand my reasons if it had to come to that. I promised I would try everything possible before taking any drastic measure and my parents seemed to accept it.
For four months I lived like that. Not only was I unable to hear, communicating only with emails, texts, and post-it notes, but with the constant torture of Tinnitus. I remember a revelation coming to me. The old saying that "Speech is Silver. Silence is Golden" crossed my mind a thousand times. I thought that for sure, whoever had come up with that quote had surely been a Tinnitus sufferer. Being deaf and heairng nothing would have been much more tolerable to hearing the constant loud and horrible sounds.
One night after my father got angry at me for crying, saying that feeling sorry for myself was not going to do anyone any good, I decided to pray. I had not prayed in a long time, and I had stubbornly resisted doing so now. I did not want to be one of those people that only looks to God for help when they need something. I didn't really ask for anything, but quite a few people kept telling me they would pray for me. I remember feeling a little upset as I was not looking for anyone's pity. Besides, I knew that there were so many people in the world that were far worse off than I was. People that are starving or diseased or being slaughtered by islamofascist monsters being burned alive in cages, beheaded, or dipped in acid.
The next day when I woke up I braced myself for the awful noises that I knew would come, but instead I began to hear something different. Music! Now, it was not at all my type of music. It was music from the 1930'a or 1940's maybe. I don't know any songs from that time period, but for some reason was hearing instrumental versions of what I believe were probably real songs from that era. Sometimes I'd also hear a saxaphone duet, which was actually quite appealing and probably award worthy if I was able to actually write the music I heard in my head down. I never did figure out exactly what happened, but I feel as if perhaps God heard my prayers and allowed my paternal grandmother, who I was close to, to send me comfort. She was an avid music lover and I fel that this could have been her work.
About 4 months after I went deaf, I was able to get a powerful hearing aid for one ear and once I was again able to have "real" sounds, the sounds that my brain was inventing to amuse itself began to fade. I still get a little tinnitus from time to time, especially if I am stressed, but it is not anything like it was in those early days. I am thankful that I had such wonderful and understanding family and friends that cofmorted me as best they could in this difficult time. I am truly blessed.
