I don't know who the person sitting here typing and posting this is anymore
Old, broke, lonely, It's too hot here in this room. My family is totally fucked up. I just want out. Up North a far as I can get. Or way way way down south. Cooler weather. Sleeping for more than couple of hours. A few million less people. I can't figure it out. I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm unable to go. Crypto is not going to save me. No matter how far I feel I come and how good some of my work is... Nobody really cares. Why would they? Why should they?
I'm a better artist than I have ever been. For nothing. I haven't been more than a few miles from here in many years. I'm going crazy talking to myself. People are disgusted with people like me. I have to be happy and work hard until I'm dead like my father or I'm a loser. I admit it. I'm a loser. It's pathetic and boring. The cliche of the starving artist. well I have some food.
It's hard to grasp being unloveable unwanted undateable unfuckable. Yeah I said it. Imagine the only value you have is if you have money. I don't have any. So I'm worthless. I know there are people who have it worse. It just makes me feel even more hopeless that nothing I have ever done has made a difference. My father used to go into a rage if we didn't eat everything at dinner. "There's starving people somewhere." PTSD with food. Telephones too. The only news on the phone for the past 25 years has been bad news about my sisters kids and the relentless calls of "somebodies sick and now they died". Getting older and being poor is a nightmare. Having relatives who drink and fight and get in trouble constantly is a living hell. All this quarantine stuff has made my life even more hopeless. You know I used to dream of having a wife and a family... that was a joke. Healthy women don't marry artists without money. As you can see I'm in total pathetic victim mode which will just insure that I won't have any friends or a girlfriend or travel or anything at all. It's a circle. I'm responsible. I wish had a decent car and someone to go for drive with. Maybe look at guitars in a guitar store. Maybe go to the mountains. Anything to look forward to. Something fun. Anything.
Something to look forward to. Something to look forward to...
Oddly enough I have moments of creation joy everyday when I take photos. It's a wonderful thing. Then it's over and I'm back in the corner of my room on this computer knowing that what I do may as well not even exist at all. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to make a decent living.
I wanted to have a car with air conditioning that I won't be afraid of it breaking down all the the time. I have never owned a a car with working air conditioning. I have never owned a new car. Yes I know people have it worse than me. That just reminds me of how insane this reality is. Well I really stepped in again. I know there are people like me broke lonely and dying all over. Most people think we deserve it.
