If you would ask me what I am afraid of, I can give you a whole list. But then again, I wouldn't because I fear you might use that list against me. That's one more fear in the list. Being a fearful person, there are a few in that list that have driven most of my actions in life.
The fear of forgetting
I once got drunk I forgot the names of the people I was having a drink with. It was crazy, I just couldn't remember. The next day I woke up with the worst headache. I forgot how I got home. My friends told me a big chunk of the crazy stuff I did. But I hated the fact that I lost time.
At the start of this month, my uncle died. My mom nd I argued if we should tell my father. He suffered his third stroke last year and we don't want to upset him. But we have to let hin know somehow that his brother has passed away. When my mom told him, he just looked her in the eye and said "I don't know that person." I was not there but it crushed my heart.
I realized that I sould someday forget. And there are a lot of places, people and feelings I want to treasure forever. I have started photodiaries some privately stored, some shared through my socmed accounts. This blog I am keeping is aimed at reminding me how I lived my life so that when I am old and gray, I have something I would look back to. Something that would remind me howmmy life has been. I imagine myself in our retirement home, sitting on the couch, laughing at the things that I made a fuss about in my youth.
Fear of Being Forgotten
A friend once talked to me about her anxiety about that 12.12.12 scare before. If I remember correctly, I think that was either when the Mayan calendar ended or when the psychics and other fortune tellers said that it is the end of the world. I couldn't pacify her, she was really getting sad nd generally down about it. One of the last attempts of calming her down was me telling her, "Look, if the world ends by then, we'll still party on the other side. We'll see each other."
It made me realize one more thing. It is not death that I am moslty afraid of. It was being forgotten by the people I leave behind. When we die, it's like a file getting deleted. It goes to the recycle bin. Only the difference is there's no way to restore us, the only next step is to delete permanently. Hence being forgotten.
So I made it a point that I leave something behind for the people that matters to me. This is one of the reasons I love giving handmade, personalized gifts to the ones I love. It's jusg lucky that I learned how to crochet. Most of my family and friends have received crochet items.
Fear of Being Insignificant
I guess this is somehow connected to my fear of being forgotten. And somehow this contrasts my fear of being under the spotlight. (Did I mention I have a whole list of things I fear?) I almost sprinted my way to the altar on my wedding day because the looks I got while walking down the aisle was too much for my threshold.
Going back to my fear of being insignificant, I fear of not leaving a mark in the world. That I may just be nothing morenthan just a passerby, small and insignificant. You know how it is when you leave a company and people will say they'll miss you, but then even before you left, someone has already filled the post you left. You promise each other you'll stay in touch. Not for long, your old colleagues stop reaching out to you, the invites for a party stop coming in, you become bisy yourself, and then that's just it. From someone theybeat lunch with everyday, you are now just someone they used to work with.
In any orgnization I join, I am scared of being that person. So I made it a point that everywhere I go, I contribute something. Now, I'm not a philantropist or a do-gooder, but as much as possible, I want to make sure I do something that would make everybody's lives better. I try to see that I do something helpful. An excel template that would make our jobs a lot easier for my colleagues, a helpful solution for a group problem, an innovation idea, or just simply listening to my friends who have trouble sharing their thoughts and feelings.
I'm not aiming for statues or streets and alleys named after me, (I do fear too much attention) but I like making a difference to the lives of the people I meet and are important to me.
Growing up with tons of fears in the world, I have learned to adjust to my fears. I have also learned that if I give in to my fears, then moving forward would be very difficult. There are things that I can do so those fears won't hold me down. One is not to broadcast every little thing I fear of. And two is to do things that would cancel out or neutralize those fears from being realized.
This is another entry for the 30-Day Blogging Challenge
So far, I have two entries
What's in a Name
Relationship Status: Married
Feel free to join in!
All photos are mine, edited through Canva