It's been a little while since I last wrote on my blog and I am in that awkward state of determining how to come back. I would start it with "Hello everyone! I'm back!" But seeing as how things went, I am not in a cheery mood of that level yet. I'm not brooding, but still I'm still not in the joking-around-every-chance-I-get stage. Not yet. But I want to get back into writing and sharing stuff here in Hive. So this is me trying to slide back in and blend in to the environment.
But first, I'd like to thank everyone who sent me messages and help. I really appreciate it guys. Know that you all are in my heart forever. It's really heartwarming to know that even when we haven't seen each other personally, you guys have such big and pure hearts to help out an online friend.
Even up to now, there are some online friends who always checks up on me, asking how I'm doing, making sure I'm okay. And I'm okay. And I check on my mom everyday to make sure she's okay. She says she is, but I know she's just trying to cope.
We did not have a proper funeral for my dad because the hospital added covid19 to his cause of death. Our family needed to go through self quarantine for 14 days just to be sure. We were all asymptomatic, including my mom which makes us wonder if the test they did to my father was correct or not. What the heck, we went through quarantine, our father's gone, it doesn't matter to me now.
I read about the 5 stages if grief before: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. A lot of people go through these stages. My mom went through denial and anger very obviously. My brother's bargaining stage was very obvious. My sister pretty much stayed in the anger stage. She was just so angry at everybody that did not do their best to help our father on his final days.
I on the other hand seem to be lost in any of those stages. I am not in denial. I did not go through that because for a very long time, my father has fought. He had his first stroke in 2007 and even though he kept fighting, his body just kept betraying his willpower. I have always known the inevitable will happen. I had hoped he'd lived longer, and he did but it also meant he suffered longer. So no, I don't think I am in denial.
I'm not angry either. Anger takes away all of my energy. And I need that energy to take care of my daughter and my family. And I know there's no point in being angry. So I foregoing that stage. There's so mich going on in the world to get angry.
I have so many what ifs and if only's though. The thought of going back in time and doing things differently kept running in my mind. If only I had done this or that, maybe things would have been different. Although if I come to think of it, these what ifs and if only's have already been in my head long before my father died. After it happened, my thoughts just went on hyperdrive. Sometimes I can't stop it.
So to keep my sanity, I kept arranging and rearraning things around the house. It started when I went to my mom's house. We can't accept visitors because 1, the rest of Manila is on ECQ, and 2, we were forced to be on self quarantine because of the covid situation on my dad's death certificate. I am doubtful about that result, but still, self quarantine is the responsible thing to do. The result may not be real, but still, covid is very real.
Anyways, going back to my stages of grief, I cleaned, organized and rearranged stuff in my mom's bedroom. She has been taking care of my dad for so long, their bedroom got neglected. She's not a messy person, it's just that her time and energy has been put to taking care of our father.
So I cleaned, and organized, and I cleaned and I organized some more. As I was there, I kept seeing things and trinkets my father owned. His slippers, his cane, his clothes. None of us had the heart to throw anything away or give them away. So I kept them all in a box. If we miss him, which we always do, we just take a look at that treasure box, and we will find him there.
When I got home, the mission organization continued. Take note that in my absence, oyr house was under the care of my husband. Which means it was not taken care of. I was welcomed with a pile of dirty clothes, filth all over the floor, a mountain of dirty dishes. I don't mind though. It meant I will be busy for a couple of days or so.
And I was. I still am. I have changed the wallpapers, I changed the arrangements of the closets, tables, sofa, computer, and so on and so forth. Everyday it's a different part of the house. Even my mini food forest went through a make over. My email also went through a mission organization. I can't believe I subscribed to so many things before. And I can't believe I kept so much stuff in my closet. So that's my way of dealing with the loss. I kept myself busy. It kept my mind off things.
As I was busy organizing and deep cleaning the house, I realized a lot of things. First off, life is too short to keep on holding on to the past. I started throwing away old stuff that I thought was important to me but really was just collecting dust. It was like letting go of things that I think I should not hold on to anymore. It's somehow symbolic. The more I let go, the lighter I felt. And as a bonus, I found old photos of my father back when he was still strong. That's when I realized how cleaing can be therapeutic.
Going through the pain of loss during these times is extremely difficult. For me and my sister, it's easier for us when we are together. We can make each other laugh and get our mind off things with our endless stories. But with all the restrictions put to place, plus our brother is outside of the country, so it's hard to keep each other company. I am extremely thankful to the magic that is called the internet. We are able to keep each othwr company even if only virtually. This time, the good of the internet outweighs all the bad.
Being the second eldest in the family, and practically being the breadwinner sending my siblings to school, I have always worried about my brother and sister that they might not be financially stable. Back in the day, they would always turn to me on every financial problem. I don't see it as a bad thing, I like taking care of them. But still I taught them to save for the rainy days because there may come a time that we might all be in need. And it did. I was relieved that amidst all the turmoil, my brother amd sister stepped up and showed that they can now take care of themselves and our mom too. They are still struggling and still need help but not as much as before.
When my husband learned about my father, he immediately told me I ahould head home to look after my mom. He knows how it feels because not so long ago, he also went through the pain of losing his father. I was worried about my daughter's routine though. We have finally established a system of play nased learning, engagement and discussions, experiments and activities.
I was releived knowing that my hisbnd is fullyon board our homeschooling. He stepped up and followed through our routine. Come Easter time, I was not in the mood for an Easter egg activity even if I have prepared the things we need a week ahead. He not only followed the lesson plan I created, he also gave our daughter the Easter Egg hunting activity I had planned for. My daughter did not miss any lessons although she did missed me. When I had enough sulking, I went ahead and continued our daily routine while also organizing the house. The more chores, the merrier for me.
They said that we had to go through the stages of grief before we could move on. In this case, I think I don't really have that much of a choice. I occasionally still stop whatever I am doing to call Ma and when she asks I'd say "Nothing, just making sure you're not going out again." Her love for my father is just roo strong I can feel my Pa when I talk to her. If moving on means I'll soon forget about my Pa then I think that's not possible.
But life goes on. Even though everything I was doing came to a screeching halt when he died, the day I came home and saw my daughter and my husband, I realized we still have to continue with our things. I guess we just had to do it one step at a time. Left foot, right foot. And then repeat.
Right now, I am halfway through deep cleaning the house. I also have found a homeschool providee for my kid. More about that when I talk about Our Homeschooling Journey.
We did not go through the normal process of mourning our dead, but I know my father would have wanted us to remember him amd honor him in everything that we do. With that said, I am ending my hiatus and will continue writing.
