There’s been this nagging question in my psyche the last couple years. (Well, perhaps one of many.) ”Have I been ‘settling?’”
Of course, there is no clearcut definition of “settling.” Every person’s version might be different at different points in life. And it’s perhaps always relative, requiring some standard/benchmark against which to measure for contrast - which is bound to be subjective, and possibly somewhat arbritrary.
“Settling” according to one’s grandest dreams, the contrast is easy to spot. Though as some of us find out, dreams change. As do values.
There are probably alot of us who “settle” according to the goals, dreams, and standards of our former selves. The younger, more ambitious versions wanting all the fame, fortune, success, power, prestige… and fairly judging who we’ve ‘become’ since, having ‘settled’ for what seems rather mediocre in comparison. Though - whether the byproduct of growth & maturity or disillusionment & resignation - it may be “natural” to downgrade our aims & aspirations with age.
Sometimes, this is surely a healthy thing - abandoning goals that were influenced by egoic materialistic desires, exchanging them for ways of being & living that are much more in alignment with our heart & soul - finding contentment, peace, and satisfaction in life’s more simple things rather than chasing highs and trying to prove worth according to external societal/cultural standards. And sometimes, that shift can be a slippery slope - that all being true, while also abandoning elements of those larger dreams & ambitions once had that may have been better adapted for a different chapter rather than discarded altogether. It ain’t always clearcut black-or-white.
Though somewhere in the middle of these types of ongoing midlife-crisis contemplations, appeared a distinction.
While I can’t recall who said it, the concept made an impression:
Confession: I was pretty heavily influenced by the hustle-culture type dogma of self-help, personal development, motivational/inspirational stuff, entrepreneurial four-hour-workweek lifestyle design paradigms, etc, etc.
The “go big or go home” mentality seeped in deep to my naive subconscious, and whether a legit part of my personal path or an open ego/heart will center (Human Design) trying to prove something in compensation for unconscious insecurities, I took it to an extreme… not necessarily following through with all the required action and/or sporadically jumping from one thing to the next too fast to get all that many actual results, but nonetheless embodying the full-blown grandiosity and deluded self-identity of an ‘up-and-comer’ with massive potential. I knew I was smart & talented, wanted to achieve a 9-figure worth and Kanye-level musical success by 25… though perhaps was just a bit unrealistic, having quit my forex trading venture after two weeks of live trading didn’t match the expectations I’d built up over two years of study, and having perpetually put producing actual music on the backburner. Ha.
To that version of self, no question about it, I’ve “settled.” Having pursued a dream to live & DJ in Bali… well, the majority of gigs being weddings woulda been a pretty big downgrade. And to have practically ‘retired’ at 33 rather than pushing onto greater success, easy to judge myself as some “washed up DJ” that bowed out cuz he didn’t have what it takes to really make it. And though I did continue producing, the ‘half-assed’ consistency will never measure up to the role models I had who were in full-on hustle mode 24/7; and my monthly Spotify stats emails reporting an average of five listeners per month is more something to laugh at than celebrate. Having left Bali to return to Canada, ego deflated, marriage imploded, still driving a Civic at 42, ‘dreams’ of writing books forgotten in exchange for writing cynical blog posts… there’s alot of ‘evidence’ to support confirmation bias of a stance I’ve “settled for less,” should that be a position chosen to focus on.
But. With a standard/benchmark set from the type of grandiose ambition I once had, the aims were so unrealistic and unhealthily high, it’d be pretty much an impossibility to end up with any outcome that wasn’t “settling.” The whole “go big” outlook… it was a fucking treadmill, no final destination on the horizon. Same levels of consciousness leaving millionaires unhappy because they’re not billionaires, ‘influencers’ with millions of followers dissatisfied because there’s still others more ‘popular,’ etc, etc.
And I can’t pretend there’s not still that aspect of my psyche partly subconsciously active. The “success” I’ve had, not enough to satisfy. Were I to have one of the fancy condos or villas I’ve spent ridiculous amounts of time drooling over, sights would still be on others, mind still toiling about living somewhere else. Were my music to get miraculously discovered and be catapulted into the international spotlight, I know that external change of conditions wouldn’t appease my inner discord, that I’d very likely fall into the trap of wanting more quickly and feeling incapable of living up to ego’s desires to keep outdoing myself. That any books I’d write that’d become bestsellers would just ‘raise the bar,’ leaving some part of me in yet more pain as feeling incapable of raising it yet again and again… not even truly all that motivated/inspired by the accolades, yet feeling I’d “settled” if calling the ceaseless pursuit of more/higher quits.
By all accounts, I’ve settled according to my past self’s aspirations. But they’ve also become increasingly clear as kinda shitty standards. No doubt, I’d be alot happier with my life if fully surrendering to the death of that former self and those dreams/goals/ambitions.
Though at the same time, it’d be all too easy to lower my standards with those types of rationalizations and gaslight myself into “contentment” while there were still seeds in some of those dreams that it’d be self-betrayal to neglect continuing to water, albeit the goals/visions they’re fit for at this point may be different.
And with the process of growth, maturation, and ascending in wisdom & awareness, perhaps must come a shift…
Being, transcending the level of consciousness & frameworks of mind-ego that perpetuate the ‘ambitious’ striving towards achievement of something higher, bigger, better - the hierarchical positioning effectively establishing the contrast to keep oneself stuck in the ceaseless pursuit and fate of ’settling for’ compared to ‘the next level up…’
Integrating & embodying the wisdom to discard the sugar-coated “there are no limits” rhetoric, embracing *the limits & restrictions that exist - that we have limited time to work with and limited energy to do whatever with within that time…
To pull the head back down out of the clouds of Neptunian fantasies and boundless & imagination for some earthly grounding, taking diligent inventory of what is truly of value…
To concern ourselves not with what we may be settling for…
But get real with ourselves about - of all those possibilities we could choose, within the boundaries & limitations and stretching them as far as possible if required - what, of the buffet of options may be within our capacities to co-create, shall we choose to settle on.
https://open.spotify.com/artist/1E0AQLP794Me6xHZZ1WPpx?si=A0XzUx3zRgKDRvIKRoJy4A
Unless you wanna go play some “radical monogamy” game (polygamy rebranded, care-of Aubrey Marcus’ culty “spiritual advisor” - ifykyk, lol), if you want a lasting, meaningful relationship, you’re gonna have to settle on a partner. (And surely, there’ll probably be alot stronger foundation for it to be a healthy relationship if coming from the attitude of settling on rather than settling for.)
Even if you’ve got an unlimited budget when house-hunting and the freedom to live anywhere, you’re gonna have to ultimately settle on a home to choose. (Or multiple, if fully ballin’. Unless, perhaps, you were to choose having no homebase and just travelling non-stop - settling on that kind of lifestyle instead.)
Unless you bought Bitcoin below a buck, there are alot of options when ya go car shopping, though you’ll ultimately have to settle on one.
Flip on the TV, and you could keep cycling through 200 channels for hours on end… until finally settling on something to watch.
The settling for outlook… that shit will fuck with ya.
And perhaps we’ve become increasingly entrained into it in recent years. Remember back when there were only like three TV channels to choose from? Now, we’ve got an endless stream of short-form content on countless social media networks and internet sites - with a shorter & shorter attention span, habitually seeking something that’ll deliver that next dopamine hit in a shorter amount of time… comparatively feeling like we’re settling for our attention directed on something subpar within seconds. (And hell, if the modern dating game hasn’t become the equivalent of a casino - finding someone pretty much a matter of “luck” as pulling the lever of a slot machine repeatedly, enticed with profile after profile crafted to appeal to the opposite sex’s fantasies - the flimsiest of reasons to discard a ‘prospect’ no big deal… every option comparatively being settled for when able to keep swiping endlessly.)
Paradox of choice. Options can be great… to a point. With too many, the likelihood of this pesky psychological mechanism kicks in where it can be tempting to feel like we’re settling for - versus with a smaller handful of available choices, it’s almost easier to settle on one… and be more content with it.
Back in our parents’ day, they basically had the choice of growing up to be a teacher, doctor, lawyer, or farmer; easy-peasy to settle on something and not look back to often wondering how the other choices woulda went. Now, options are practically limitless; and being able to see millions of others living ‘their best lives’ on social media, the temptation for comparison is endless - always a lingering question of whether we’ve settled for less than what could’ve been. If we’d turned right instead of left; gone down that career path instead of this one; started that creative entrepreneurial project instead of working for someone else; bought the Benz instead of Toyota; lived abroad instead of the home city; left the average relationship rather than staying in it; etc, etc, etc. “Coulda, shoulda, woulda, what if.” Torture-chamber with 24/7 access, spinning in the mental-emotional debate over whether we’ve settled for less - or are continuing to settle.
And perhaps the only way out: settling on something. Really taking agency over what’s within our control to choose. To end the comparisons, put limits on the amount of intellectual masterbation over possibilities, collapse the quantum wave of possibilities into particle of what’s here in front of us right now (while maybe leaving a little leeway to shift its position as time goes on). To be done with the whole mental framework in which settling for is even a thing (or at least retiring it, only to reengage when context deems discerningly appropriate), reframing to unlock a greater degree of autonomy and satisfaction through conscious settling on that which serves well/better.
To patch the energy leaks that come along with spreading our imaginations too thin comparing “timelines” in assessment of whether we’ve undermined our “potential” and could had/done better, refocusing creative power back on this one - where it may be all the more effectively harnessed & channeled in working with what we’ve got.
And of course, that doesn’t mean we’re locked into a fate and can’t change course later if/when the time comes to pivot. On the contrary, it might just be the necessity to grounding ourselves in the present and cultivating the habit of ’being here now - the leverage point our energy is needed at when pivoting. We can flip the TV to another channel later if the show sucks. We can trade in the car for something different when the lease is up. We can move cities/countries if time proves the current one ain’t the place for us. Settling on doesn’t mean permanent. Times, conditions, values, needs & wants do/will change - and just as waves of opportunity always ebb & flow, we will be able to renew certain commitments ongoingly, and choose to settle on new/different ones in due time.
Blah, blah, blah.
Who am I writing this for…? Most likely, myself.
And as well as my writing skills may lend themselves to articulating (some of) this in a way that sounds good… “easier said than done,” sometimes.
I can’t pretend to preach, or even impart the nuggets of wisdom in here as though I’m fully embodying them. At my current ‘on the roof’ phase, the “role model” of my 6/2 (Human Design) profile might be more vulnerably sharing glimpses of this messy recalibration process than any traditional image of someone whose got it figured out and foundation stable. And for what I have “figured out, there’s still often a gap between that knowledge and embodiment of wisdom. This whole settling for vs. settling on bit might make clear logical sense - but truth is I’ve still been far too swayed by the endless emotional waves and mindfuckery of conditioned ideas/beliefs still being unravelled to have lived it with any consistency.
And, there’s still probably some part of me that’s extracting this all in attempt to convince myself of the viewpoint - no doubt, manipulatively, as a sneaky means to the end of discomfort with uncertainty. Trying to instill it as some new ‘empowering belief’ to hack the brain into bypassing the emotional turmoil consequential of the ongoing rumination over where I ought to move next and subtle nagging anxiety over getting things “right/correct.” As though if I can just gaslight myself into settling on Kelowna as my next destination, it’d relieve the tension from the draw to other options. Spoiler: the attempt hasn’t worked. Lol.
And then there’s the other layer to that question’s answer: this might be streaming through onto the Hive blockchain for some of y’all, who I have no conscious clue will even read or what particular points within it will provide what reflection relevant to God-only-knows what (possibly completely different) situations in your life.
Did I compromise what were once “dreams” of writing books that’d reach millions of people, settling for these types of messy quick-fix blog posts instead? Or perhaps has it been an ongoing renewal of the choice to settle on such a lower-key creative outlet instead - which still satisfies the desire/need to write, whilst actually fulfilling a preference for a lower profile and still being a valuable contribution, even if only to one person reading this…? The ego might ‘argue’ the former; though if being honest with myself, really feeling into the energy, it might actually just be the latter. Not as sexy & extravagent as a New York Times bestseller; but maybe sometimes there is more peace & satisfaction to be had in settling on options that’d seem ‘inferior’ to the bigger, flashier ones weighed up against in contrast when questioning if we’ve settled for something ‘lesser.’
Or maybe I’m just attempting to gaslight myself into ‘settling for less’ again. I don’t fucking know. Lol. 🤷♂️🫠
