'Some things need to change...'
i dunno where to start, but with that confession.
like, creatively... shit ain't been workin' so well. for a while. a long while.
the notorious "flow..." ha. i wish. yeah, there are brief moments. but more like a rare cocktease leading to artistic blue balls swelling to a persistent level-7 pain that just makes a dude wanna quit more than "persist" in "pursuit of goals," blah blah blah.
music used to be fun. rewind 20-25 years, and it was all just for fun. in the moment. pure pleasure just exploring. no pressure of ambitions, seriousness, or overthinking. just having a blast doing shit for the pure sake of it and loving the fuck out of it.
then, over the years, it all changed. not for the better.
in part, it mighta been the explosion of creative possibilities enabled through technology. back in the day, it was a guitar, drum machine, and 4-track cassette recorder. that was it. now with Ableton, endless virtual instruments, and the capability to do a billion different things with anything, all the lack of limitations... man, IYKYK. but, it's probably also largely due to the whole other set of technologies we've become accustomed to in our everyday lives... especially social media... and how it has been rewiring our brains in ways that undoubtedly have had some detrimental effects (though happening so slow and subtly over time we don't fully notice)...
over the last couple years, i've questioned whether i "have/am" ADHD, given the number of boxes checked as coming across a ton of content about it online. though, i've also diligently questioned the degree to which much of "it" is merely the byproduct of measurement against institutional "norms" and "standards. like, if you don't fit in the little box society says you "should" and behave like a good little boy/girl/they-them-it-zir-furry-fuckface ought to, 'here, you're disordered, take these drugs.' you know what i mean.
and during that exploration & self-inquiry, it's also been helpful to use much of the wisdom in Human Design as a reference point to see how many of the "ADHD symptoms" may simply be natural phenomena as to be expected of specific genetic differences; like no shit people with an open head center are gonna get distracted sometimes or open heart not feeling "enough" - watching people attribute all these things to ADHD, which actually make perfect sense once understanding details of their unique design - the "problem" actually just being self-denial and trying to operate according to others' expectations of us all being robotic-like machines fine-tuned for economic performance and logically-gratifying "productivity." and/or the most obvious broad dynamic: it's not a fucking mystery that not all of us have impeccable focus for things that we're really not that interested in or is not correct for us. but lest i digress and get too far off track here.
applicability...
i've had a hella hard time fully getting into actually putting time into music the way i've 'wanted' to. so, i contemplated the whole ADHD thing and whether chemical-gaslighting might be worth trying to kickstart some focus and flow to get me into "beast mode" or some shit that'd appease my ego's desire to do more. as much as i've been anti-pharmaceuticals, i can't pretend it probably wouldn't be horrible to get super zoned in on Adderall or Ritalin and make some mad beats. i didn't quite get all the way there though. close. but figured best make some other tweaks first.
so a few months ago, i decided to approach from the nutrition angle. and kinda surprisingly, it seemed to make a reasonably significant "difference." upped the protein and/or essential amino acids. was slacking on omega oils and brought that back... definitely wise. more consistency with zinc, B6, ginko, ginseng, phosphatydl-serine, NAC. certainly noticed more ability to focus with reading, less scatteredness, and a good 6 weeks of consistency with music. go figure. who knew providing your body & brain what it actually needs for healthy functioning would make a difference. and here we were thinking toxic chemicals were the answer all along. ha.
the six weeks at music especially seemed a marker of "progress."
granted, there were some specific conditions in place: i'd set a clearly-defined "goal" of switching out plugins from a subscription model to paid ones in all my unfinished projects. so limited parameters. much more technical than creative, mixing/engineering than creation. but the "flow." wow. and results. though it wasn't the intention at all, things were sounding alot better as making way through these processes. and to have like a solid 6 weeks of consistency like anywhere from 4-8 hours a day, probably 5 days a week... new territory for me.
"But."
Keep up the momentum once that task of going through 170-ish old projects was complete...? Ha.
Whether it was the lack of a strict "goal" and/or resistance applying the same type of focus in the creation side of getting new ideas into form and arranged, or some sorta form of body guidance to take a break and integrate afterwards... waiting for another wave to roll in. Not in the mood. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. And here we are again.
Granted, this realm of creative clusterfucks is sort of multidimensional one with alot of aspects to it. And surely, there's much overlaps with the topics of alot of my other writings lately - "purpose," "motivation," etc...
my style of music is pretty unique, something that can't be fit down into a label of some common genre that has an easily-identifiable existing market/audience. much is still "experimental" and kinda all over the place, so it's not like i have the option to simply choose, "i'm going to make EDM and fit in along with artists x, y, and z." i dunno where my sound fits into the current music industry, don't have a specific game plan or marketing strategy, etc. so "goals" has been a hellishly elusive thing for me - especially considering trying to control the creative process... HA.
for my twenties, i was foolishly focused on the ambitions of "success..." before actually having the results of actual music ready. it sorta seems i've swung to the opposite end of the spectrum since, focusing strictly on making the music now - putting some amount of faith in the "if you build it, they will come; work on your craft, it'll attract the right people in due time" type theories. and sure, i've actually been producing some consistently decent results now. but there's still been this lack of grounding direction. and even though i might have some idea in mind to create a certain type of thing, it pretty much always evolves off in a different direction... and back into the Neptunian fog, head in clouds, yet another idea started with no clear vision of where it's going, and neither the energy nor correct timing to fully arrange it out into a complete song. (if only words could capture the torturous predicament of this creative purgatory). trying to force results... nope. and even when the waves come and i manage to surf them as far as can... it still feels like i've been light years away from those moments of "flow" where things just click effortlessly.
yet, as approaching 40, i've been realizing: time's running out. there's a shit ton of music i would like to make. and something has got to give in how i'm approaching it, as it feels like i'm just wasting away my life waiting - or struggling to try force what cannot be.
Then somehow, along comes what feels like a key puzzle piece as YouTube's algorithm served up some podcasts of Andrew Huberman's on dopamine.
i could already sorta recognize how critical this matter is even before it was presented.
like, the whole "motivation" thing with music... oh God. as much as parts of me have logically wanted to throw myself full-in and get into super-productive mode consistently, the actual implementation and process of those ideals... uh uh. VERY rare. and there's this nagging sense of how it is related to brain chemistry.
how through all the years of scrolling social media endlessly, the neural circuitry has been rewired like an addict's.
how binging on short-form content on Instagram or hunting for and streaming through info at 2x on YouTube has reinforced those habits of seeking those quick dopamine hits. meanwhile, when it comes time to sit down at something that takes patience and doesn't generate the same type of dopamine as quick & easy... self-sabotage.
and it's been a question in mind for a while: how might i be able to "retrain" the brain and/or alter my approach to creativity such that the "rewards" within the process can engage the brain as effectively as the internet-dopamine-addiction? so when up pops Huberman with the clickbait titles promising answers, sure, let's see what he's got to say.
It was worthwhile. (And something not to listen at 2x.)
Now, no summaries here.
If anyone reading this is interested, I'd recommend watching/listening to both episodes yourself, as there are probably some specific things in there you may digest different to how i did and would fit your unique situation in ways only you can discover for yourself.
My "takeaways...?" i dunno if it's even really worth both my & your time to go there in detail.
though i think the big one is more just a broad generalization that yes, some significant changes are needed in how i do alot of things to recalibrate how my whole dopamine system is functioning on a regular basis. and two tweaks in particular:
i'd somehow convinced myself that taking breaks every few minutes while making music to go on Instagram for a bit was "helpful" in some way... though seems the neuroscience might suggest otherwise, as stacking multiple dopamine triggers leads to higher peaks and deeper crashes; and it'd surely be alot better to be able to achieve steady dopamine rewards with music alone to foster motivation, versus using the social media addiction to uhealthily boost peaks that inevitably lead to frustration & dissatisfaction cuz music can't/won't do it anymore
it seems most sessions start out in a dopamine trough... and apparently, the fastest way out them towards new peaks can be to do something that accentuates the trough rather than aiming for another peak right away. so while i might wanna charge into a session inspired and get flowin' right away, there might actually be merit to doing some specific process that is not enjoyable and feels worse in the short term... so when the moment hits that things fall into place and that dopamine gets released... BAM. (and if practicing that consistently, it's training the brain for rewards fully within the container of the ups & downs of the music processes, without the interference from split attention & spikes from social media).
will it actually work? i dunno. will probably take time to find out... and actual implementation with the discipline to stick with the structure. (and maybe ought to work out some "goals" similar to the limitations of the last 6-week window but in a creative context that are conducive to more specific results).
blah, blah, blah.
hope y'all found some sorta value in this.
and to wrap it up, here's an exclusive music idea from the vault started in 2018. enjoy...
