I find myself wanting to open up.
Something I have never been able to do, Something I hide from My friends and Family.
I suffer from depression, I find myself feeling completely sad for no apparent reason. I feel like I have no one I can talk to!
I try to change my moods in all the wrong ways, Gambling and drinking.
I work a massive 60h a week office job which is mentally draining but it does earn me a semi-decent wage where I have been able to get a mortgage and buy a house for my young family with 2 young children.
But my depression and wanting to break the cycle has made me make wrong life choices, first one being gambling. I bet on Horses, greyhounds and just about every sport I can. Now I have made big big wins but then greed sets in and I want more! and More losing the whole lot and as a gambler who hides it from friends a family I try to chase the losses! Everyone knows this is bad, But I cant seem to help myself! I have now turned a good life position into one where I may lose it all, My house, my car, my job and worst of all my wife.
Next is my drinking, I was never a massive consumer of alcohol but found it would drown out the depressive moods. I would now consider myself an alcoholic. 25 years old and an alcoholic Gambler, Never said it out loud but that's what I am. I drink most days and well in excess of normal amount.
This has lead to worse choice I have ever made which was 23rd of December 2017 , After a a big night mixing drinks I decided to drive myself and a friend home.
Lucky for me I only made it up the streets when in my rear vision mirror I saw the dreaded blue and red lights. The police had pulled me over .
As soon as the officer reached my window the stench of alcohol over took him, he knew I was driving under the influence.
He conducted a roadside breath test which showed I was 5x over the legal limit to operate a motor vehicle.
I was immediately arrested and taken back to the station.
I am now over 30k in bad debt to life choices I always considered myself "Smarter" to get myself into with no way of being able to pay them back.
This is the vicious depressive cycle I now find myself in and now realize I shouldn't do this alone and I need to reach out for help, I haven't reached out to anyone yet but find writing this blog therapeutic and hopefully I can muster up the courage to reach out. I know my reach out will not be rejected but the shame and realization of what I have done to myself and my family is something I don't feel ready to handle yet.
Thank you for taking the time to read
