One day, a war will start over tofu, with red hot barbecue tongs glistening with spare rib juice on one side, and buckets of rancid kimchi on the other.

'You can't call that meat' says the die hard animal eater.

'I'd rather eat a watermelon steak than a cow' says the vegan.

Sigh.

The big question repeats and repeats and repeats:

'WHY DO YOU MAKE IT LOOK LIKE MEAT IF YOU DON'T EAT MEAT'.

Let's settle this once and for all. It's easier than you think.

I mean, I don't expect those that make this argument to listen because they're too busy bullying people on the basis of dietary preference.

Double sigh.

In the food and beverage industry, the focus is often on how customers enjoy not only the taste, but the smell, appearace and even sound of food. Crunchy chips versus soggy chips or chunky peanut butter versus smooth, for example. There is even a lexicon around naming texture - brittle, juicy, gelatinous. Sometimes we feel like easily digestible smooth soup, sometimes we feel like salty and crunchy cornchips. A good meal is often a combination of textures - smooth sour cream, crunchy taco shells, soft filling. That's on top of flavour - sweet tomato, hot chilli, mild sour cream.

Think of a childhood favourite - a meal you really loved, even if you might not eat it now. You might recall the crunch of the edges of your grandmother's pancakes, the hot and comforting texture of chicken soup when you had a cold, salty and buttery popcorn on movie night. Regardess of where your food comes from, what your food is, or whether or not it's ethical, food is highly linked to emotion and memory.

None of that disappears when you decide to give up meat (reasons aside).

To make food resembling meat is part of the food experience. A 'meaty' texture doesn't imply vegans miss meat itself - it means that they remember the particular bite of it, perhaps chewy, or soft. They'll remember the smell too - the malliard reaction of chargrilling steak, for example. Then there's the taste - a particular umami, a smokiness.

Here's the kicker - you don't have to sacrifice those things if you give up meat. Mind blown, I know.

So sometimes, non meat things will resemble meat because the taste and smell of cooked meat with seasoning can be pretty good, right?

I told you it's simple!

Marinate tofu in tamari and smoked paprika and char grill it on the barbie. Mash lentils and shape them into rissoles. Knead gluten and season it and shape it into a turkey for Christmas.

Enjoy your food without killing animals.

Call crispy mushrooms, mushroom bacon whenever you please.

Why does it wind meat eaters up that much?

I have to laugh at the ones who go absolutely bonkers when someone calls lentils and seasoning shaped into a log a lentil sausage, or thinly shaved tofu baked in the oven kebab meat. They really, really don't like it. Language seems to matter a lot to these people, as if it's a hill they really would die on.

If you're going to get all pedantic about that, truly, get a life. It's simply a way of identifying a recipe so we all get it. If I want to make, say, a version of a turkey that isn't actually a big dead bird, I might google 'vegan turkey'. The internet knows what I mean. Voila. What do you want to call it? Something like 'tofu christmas blob'? And you do know 'sausage' was originally just meant 'seasoned with salt'? So if I'm going to salt some mushrooms and stuff 'em into a plant based casing,

I'm not worried your butt is going to get all hurt for saying 'mushroom sausage'.

So next time you're tempted to say 'huh, I don't know why you vegans call your food meat if you don't eat meat', remember you do actually know, it's just you can't be bothered to be intelligent about it, and you're probably just being a bully to your niece who decided killing baby sheep wasn't her food preference.

With Love,

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