I have been so extraordinarily lucky to have never lost a person so close to me that it shattered my heart. However, because of this, grief has knocked me sideways. This morning I woke up and could barely function, moving through the checklist of remedies. No coffee, sun on my face, dancing to reggae.

Yesterday the van broke down in town and Jamie had to get a tow truck back, so I couldn't run to the ocean as I normally would. I'd been awake all night listening to Dad's songs in my head and mind writing the eulogy I volunteered to deliver.

Mum, my sister and I met with the celebrant and the funeral directors and had to choose four songs and 30 photos for the service. That was a lot harder than you think. Dad had such an eclectic, every changing taste in music. I felt I'd been closest to him on that regard and knew a few songs I wanted but didn't want to bulldoze anyone. In the end three of the songs I suggested were chosen so I was chuffed, including this gorgeous version of Visions of Johanna by Chris Smither. We also chose a Rumi POem but I'll talk about that another time.

It's been so hard but me, Mum andy sister have managed to organize a funeral he'd be proud of.

Anyway, back to me 😜!

Recognizing my distress, Jamie threw the boards in the Defender and drove me to the ocean. Out there I still felt the pain but it was easier somehow. I've been riding his board and it honestly felt like he was paddling with me, riding down the line with me. How blessed I am to have been given this skill by him to support me at times like this.

And so as the waves rolled in, the waves of grief eased a little.

The hardest thing is how many times in the last few days I've wanted to talk to Dad and realized yet again that's impossible. Lying on the front deck in the sunshine thinking about him hurt like hell, and it was him I wanted to go hang out with to feel better. I had to confront those feelings of Dad never seeing the back deck Jamie made or the progress made in the garden or the fact I cross stepped to the front of the longboard today.

Yet life keeps moving, the birds keep singing, and he was in my life for a very long time, and I can't feel sad about that.

And these oncoming waves are just proof of love, are they not?