One of the most heartbreaking parts of parenting is when you realize you cannot possibly shelter them from all the negative, harmful or hurtful people or events that they will inevitably be affected or influenced by in their lives. I know my children will have to go through hard times to learn. Learn for themselves their own personal boundaries, what they will tolerate and what they won’t. How they themselves want to treat others and develop their own moral codes. I wish I could transfer the knowledge, experiences and confidence that I have had to build for myself the hard way but in reality; life does not work that way. I can however share with my kids in the best, most relatable way I know how and hope that something inside them clicks and it makes sense to them so that when these situations arise they hear my voice and advice in their minds and can circumvent or even make some kind of sense out of how to cope, process and move forward.
My son encountered bullying at the end of last year and beginning of this school year. From the least expected place, his best friends; some from Kindergarten even. What would make them turn on him now after years of him showing what a devoted, kind-hearted and loyal friend he is? No one really has that answer but as a parent it is incredibly hard to watch someone trying to tear down someone you love, especially someone that is inclusive, wants everyone to get along, would never harm anyone intentionally and is a through and through empath at heart.
I felt like every morning and every night I would spend coaching my son emotionally for the hurt he was experiencing so that he would know this is just a fragment of time in his life and although it feels ongoing and painful, it will pass and so will the people that are toxic as he will build tools to recognize that he should only surround himself with those that equally treat him as he is treating them.
One day during one of our lengthy talks I came up with an analogy. A way to explain to my son the importance of not letting anyone steal your personal power from you.
I asked him to picture that each one of us is inside of our own glass vase. It surrounds us like a shield and is unique to only us. Only we are inside, it is our personal space. To envision the vase only having so much empty space around us, this space is where we keep our positive experiences, our confidence, our strength and courage, accomplishments, our passion, our dreams, our happy thoughts and memories. Every wonderful feeling and treasured bit of happiness is stored here all around us like a hug, this is in essence; our power! There is no room to fill our vase with negativity in any form so there is a spout where we can drain that away at the bottom. If something creeps in that does not belong such as self doubt, hatred, jealousy, embarrassment, disrespect, etc. we simply open the spout and release it. As our life progresses, our vase fills and is infinite in capacity so long as it serves us positively. We can fill it faster if we live fulfilling lives whatever the definition of that is for you but no one can do this for you. It may not be easy it may not be clear but just as the rewards are solely yours, so must be the work you put into it.
Some people notice their vase is not filling up as progressively as they would like, some people won’t empty out their vase of what is toxic, and it bogs down the rest of the contents. Some realize that others have it more figured out and think it would be easier to try and pour from someone else’s vase rather than do what it takes to work on filling their own. This is where the problem lies. You should never let anyone rob you of the contents of your vase that you have built up and worked hard for. You can help someone by being an example and showing them how it is done. If you help rather than hinder someone both of your vases will rise but one cannot do it for another or should not take from someone else.
Now picture a bully trying to chisel away and crack your vase to access the content that is pure and good. Maybe it is to take it for themselves, maybe just to lower your level and bring you down to theirs, Whatever the reason, you need to protect your vase. Never let anyone take your power!
One day, months later, my daughters were recapping a time when I went to their school to attend a celebration of their Kindergarten class. When I arrived, a boy, sitting next to my daughter said “Wow, your mom is fat!” My daughter held onto that bravely but eventually told me what he said. I can imagine that is because she wanted to know how I would have handled it. I told her I wanted her to know above all else that although that was rude of that boy to say it did not hurt my feelings and I didn’t want it to hurt hers either. It was mean for him to try and hurt her through insulting someone she loves but that boy does not know me as a person and I reserve the right to choose to not let anyone’s opinion affect me. I know who I am and who loves me for me and whoever doesn’t does not get to contribute to my life if I choose to not let them. This in itself is empowering and the very message I wanted to convey to my daughters, but my son reinforced our talk we had months prior when he added; “If mom would have let that boy’s comment ruin her day or make her feel sad, she would have let him crack her vase and you should always protect your vase!” YES, my dear, sweet son. You’ve got it!
