One year ago, I stopped identifying with the label “atheist” and even agnostic. I no longer assume life is as simple as “we came from the dirt and return to the dirt”. I don’t know what the nature of our reality is, but it seems to be more than just what we perceive with our base five senses. My journey towards a more spiritual experience was a combination of emotion, curiosity, ego and faith. Like most people before a massive life shift, I was forced into a corner by two conflicting desires.
My conflict centered around fear driving me to prepare for a future that seemed dark and a desire to avoid putting myself in the public space. It was a choice between fear and love.
I remain convinced that absent a course correction, humanity is headed off of a cliff. While it’s hard for politicians or those in power to openly accept that our society is getting worse, I find a peace in simply speaking your truth despite social pressures. It’s like finishing the worst part of a hike knowing the rest of the hike will be easier. The hardest part is acknowledging we have a problem.
One year ago, I accepted that the world was going in an “undesirable” direction. My options were to prepare for it or do something about it. The only reason I had always taken the “prepare for it” approach was that fear kept me from seeing scary alternatives as an option. “Who am I to do such a thing?”
Being aware of how fear made unconscious decisions for me was the realization and motivation I needed to make a course change in my life. Similar to saying the words “I’m an alcoholic”, the realization solidified my awareness. I wasn’t doing something about the world because I was afraid. If I wasn’t going to change the world, I had to at least be honest with myself about the reasons. My ego was not okay with the excuse “I’m afraid”. My choice was clear: my fear of failure and what that could mean wasn’t a sufficient reason not to try to make the world a better place.
Leading up to the decision to “save the world”, I had been taking hourly walks for 6+ months. It was the closest I was getting to meditation. My somewhat unconscious goal was to hear my thoughts and let my inner voice speak. I always thought of it as daydreaming and a waste of time.
Much of my daydreaming turned into listening to my heart and intuition. I started to follow and trust my gut rather than rationalize and problem solve. This lead to enough “coincidences and luck” which even my rational brain had to acknowledge was out of the ordinary. Much like confirmation bias that literally lets us see what we want to see, I previously didn’t believe in the things beyond accepted reality, so I never could see it.
Even to this day, I could not list enough coincidences to make a believer out of someone who doesn’t want to believe. You will see what you want to see. There is no right or wrong, just different perspectives. I can’t and don’t even want to convince you that my spirituality is correct and others are not. Given the differences in how we express ourselves and view the world, it would be arrogant to assume my spiritual connection is the same as others or even the “right one”.
I chose to take on faith, even “pretending for fun”, that the universe was helping me with my new declared path. I shifted from “take life by the horns” to listening to my intuition. The more I let my intuition guide me, the more the universe seemed to help me. Curious. 🤔
I now “live in” three major areas: brain, heart and spirituality. Each offers a unique and critical perspective. I used to live nearly entirely in the “brain” area which was great for writing software, but not necessarily every aspect of life. Everything had to make rational sense and my decisions in life reflected that. With the love and patience of others, my emotional side began opening up offering up a whole perspective I previously did not see. Now, a third part has been awakened, my spiritual side.
Spirituality sets the direction in life. Like changing where the light in a lighthouse is pointed. It will help you see what you want to see. I have experienced too many “coincidences” to accept atheism. I have no proof nor do I even have the desire to provide it. To question this energy feels a lot like not trusting your own soul. Continuing to pretend that the universe is helping me has unquestionably yielded amazing results. This doesn’t prove anything, but I no longer even care to. My rational brain alone is now satisfied that there is more to going on in my world than a simple 3-D reality and our five senses.
Embodying humility rather than an inquisitive-proof-seeking mind, I was able to find something.
I believe I found us.
