How many times have you tried to get your point across to someone and it failed miserably? It has happened to me often enough to give me pause.
I thought I was clear but at the same time, I was so overcome with emotion that my question sounded more like an attack or an accusation. Owning our feelings while being heard at the same time can be tricky.
There are many times when we need to communicate with another person, in intimate or business relationships, but strong feelings keep that communication from being constructive.
Maybe you're angry at the other person or they annoy you in some way. During these times, it can be difficult to communicate your needs.
I know I have blurted out statements that felt more like an attack from the other person's point of view and put them on the defensive. Sometimes even a professionally trained psychotherapist such as myself can forget the basics of interpersonal communication I learned in graduate school.
Many years ago, while in graduate school, I was taught the best way to communicate for these types of situations (getting yourself heard and your needs met) could be done using a particular method: the Gordon technique. This particular technique was created by Thomas Gordon, a US clinical psychologist interested in effective interpersonal communication.
Gordon wrote extensively on the subject throughout the 1960s and 1970s. Gordon created the technique as a way to empower the speaker to own their feelings while communicating their needs or desires towards the receiver, who would feel less defensive than in traditional heated exchanges.
Most of the time when we are feeling a strong emotion, such as anger, we blurt out accusatory "you" statements. An example of this is: "you never wash the damn dishes!"
A statement such as that always puts the receiver on the defensive. On the other hand, Gordon advocated getting rid of the "you" and adding instead "I feel...when." So changing the above statement using the Gordon technique would be: "I feel upset when the dishes aren't done."
From here both parties can open up a dialogue about this behavior and possibly it can be rectified. In the first example, you care more challenging the other parties character, in the second your telling them how you feel and seeking help in changing a behavior.
This type of technique requires a lot of practice in order to not sound stilted or psychobabblish. However, if you can practice this style of communication, you can not only own your feelings but attempt real positive behavior change, if that is your goal.
If this type of communication style appeals to you, I urge you to check out Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. Another style of effective interpersonal communication.
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