After a whole day’s worth of cleaning my apartment, I found myself seated on the floor, sweating profusely but with a smile on my face. I was so exhausted, evidently, but I was also feeling lighter as if the worries I’ve been carrying for the past week were finally dissipating. My bags were unpacked and a poem was brewing in my head. It felt like I was finally healing, and if this is where I am six months into the year, then I’d say that I am in a pretty good place.
I started this year riding the highs of everything I was able to achieve last 2022. Despite reaching rock bottom early on that year, I was able to pick myself up from my situation and even go on to experience great things beyond my comprehension. From riding a depressive wave, I went on to publish my stories and meet a lot of good people. Because of this, I found my inner strength and also a sense of assurance that my life could be meant for more happiness.
With that mindset, I became driven to take charge of my 2023 so that I can experience more good things. Hence, the mantra: Intentional Wins, Intentional Care. Instead of just cruising through life and taking hits and blessings as they came, I wanted to actively seek out my victories.
With this, I moved with purpose last January. I listed down the things I wanted to achieve in various aspects of my life – career, creative pursuits, mental, emotional and physical well-being and even my finances. Then, I plotted them in a Gantt chart so that I had an actionable timeline for my goals. I was serious about turning my life around and putting in the conscious effort to do so.
[ᴾᴴᴼᵀᴼ] ᴹʸ ᴶᵃⁿᵘᵃʳʸ ʲᵒᵘʳⁿᵃˡ ᵉⁿᵗʳʸ
One of the main projects I started with was content production for @pollenpiggycreates. I wanted to be more active on my social media platforms so that I could introduce myself and my writing to the world. (Although I’ve been doing that in the past, I wanted to be more consistent and louder about my brand.) Also, at that time, my poetry collection zine had been published so I busied myself with meeting up with people for their pre-ordered copies. Up through February, I was mostly pre-occupied by these.
[ᴾᴴᴼᵀᴼ] ᵂᵃⁱᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵃᵗ ᵃ ʳᵉˢᵗᵒ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵉᵉᵗ ᵘᵖ ʷⁱᵗʰ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳˢ
I loved creating and I loved meeting up with people who supported me, however, living the creative life was also a bit difficult. I wanted to invest in my creative passions, I really did, but I had a regular 8-5 job. I also had other responsibilities to fulfill. At the same time, I wanted to just have some time to enjoy it all, which I wasn’t really able to do as I powered through my goals nonstop.
As expected, I burned out way too early. I didn’t know how to pace myself and it got to me.
I don’t remember if I consciously decided this but I began slowing things down by the end of February. I tried to let go of the pressures I imposed on myself and opened myself up to experiences instead.
Like any young adult of this generation, I indulged in various outdoor activities and visited new cafes and restaurants. I’ve been to a lot of new places this year, especially with the world opening up again, but the best part was that I’ve visited them with groups of people that I treasure. For instance, I’ve gone on a day trip with my sister’s best friends whom I really got close to. I was also able to reconnect with my college friends again after a while of not meeting up face-to-face. Also, my high school friends, who I used to only see once or twice a year are now more present in my life.
Other than this, I’ve also been super active as a fan girl! As an ARMY, I supported the BTS Yet to Come on cinemas and attended fan organized parties for the members’ birthdays. I was also able to achieve something that I thought was not going to happen this year – attend a BTS/ BTS member’s concert; in this case, it was the SUGA | AGUSTD concert in Bangkok! (I will tell you all about that another time. Also, did I mention that this was my first international trip EVER?!) As a Sprout, I was able to attend Conquest and meet the Roomies (Rae, Yvonne and Leslie), Sykkuno and Poki, which wasn’t originally in my bucket list because of the sheer impossibility of it, but apparently, dreams can come true (HAHAHA).
Creative life-wise, I was able to experience something amazing as a writer. A story I published a year ago got me invited to the Nick Joaquin Literary Awards. There, I met with other writers and was just appreciated for writing. Being in that space was transformative for me and really made me think about how I’d like to continue writing in the future.
Admittedly, the past six months weren’t just about all the good experiences. For one, I had to make major adjustments for work so that I can handle more responsibilities. Emotionally, I also had to confront a lot of my insecurities as a young adult and as a person who experiences waves of anxiety from time to time. These six months, they were a period of grown and catharsis. Like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon, I had to break in order to be new again.
Because of everything I’ve experienced and gone through, I’ve definitely changed and grown as a person. With that, I felt like it was also time to question my current life and decide where I’d like to go from here.
To help me reflect, I did a journaling prompt recently where I answered the following questions:
Through these three questions, I was able to realize how much my priorities changed. Unlike the action-driven life I wanted when the year started, I now wanted a more peaceful, stable and joyful life.
PEACE - I want a life where my heart is still and I am not worried, where I have faith that things will work out somehow.
STABILITY - I want a life where I have a sense of conviction and subsequently a solid sense of self, where I can assert the things that I want.
JOYFUL - I want a life where I believe that my wishes can come true, where I embrace joy because it is possible.
These are the three new anchors I want to ground the rest of the year on. When I make future decisions, I would check in with myself if my actions are aligned with these priorities.
If there’s something I could tell myself who’s lived these past six months as best as she could, I’d like to say that she doesn’t have to try too hard. She doesn’t have to be so worried. It won’t be the end of the world if she fails to achieve her goals immediately.
There are really multiple possibilities in life and circumstances can turn even greater than what she imagined. 1) The universe is abundant. 2) There are good people. 3) She is capable and has the ability to keep learning.
I hope she is kind to herself. I hope she is patient with her lapses. If there’s anything that could get her through life, it will always be that – kindness. No matter how the rest of the year, the rest of her life goes, I hope she can allow herself to just be. Letting go of unnecessary expectations and forgiving oneself can go a long way.
Lastly, I hope she finally believe that she can be happy, that she is permitted to be.
Pauline is a digital marketer and occasional speaker for Creative Writing. Outside work, she pursues passion projects such as writing essays, poems, and short stories, composing songs and filming videos.
As a storyteller on multiple platforms, Pauline has also attempted to create multimedia content through her YouTube channel (pollenpiggy) and a podcast she hosts (“When Pigs Fly”). You can find her at @pollenpiggycreates or at [email protected].
