You might wonder, what is she talking about now?
Whenever I am stressed, super tired or just in a bad mood, I have to face the monster all over again. Not one time, but time and time again. This monster has been part of my life for at least 30 years! It's hard parting with something you held close for so long! I told it good bye many a time but for some reason it likes me and keeps coming back!
For the love of everything HOLY! What are you talking about Snekky?
Together they form my brutal monster!
The first year, I did not want to get to know this monster.
The following 8 years, I embraced it and called it my best friend.
The last 3 years I have been fighting this monster while also trying to live with it!
You see, something that grows for 10 or 12 years can't be erased in just a few weeks or months. It takes time. That alone is a battle because you wish it gone, you scream it away but it stays.
I went through so many stages during my therapy and trust me, it was hard.
There was a lot of anger and pain. I cried more than my eyes could handle. I screamed and kicked. I worked hard and wanted to quit at least a million times. Lucky for me, I had and have a marvelous team of people and caretakers around me who kept me on the right path!
After two years of really working hard I was able to walk around my building. After working even harder, I was able to walk across the street. More work and screams went in so that i could finally step into a store! The first thing I bought was pie btw! And after 2 years of really hard work I went on my first vacation! Only one hour away from my house but still! I was able to go on a trip for two whole weeks!
Thats the biggest lie! You see, because of everything I went through, I sorta became a baby again! Just like someone who needs to learn how to walk after a terrible accident, I had to learn how to live again! Baby steps even when you are 2 years in! BUT, you don't see that because you feel high and mighty of all the things you can do again!
While for most others it looks like I have everything onder control again, I still fight a battle with my monster! It might be not as loud as before but it's still there. Everyone (Read most because I like to exaggerate) around me starts to think that I can do everything again without a second thought! This can be very frustrating for some but I understand it! They don't see me 24/7 and mostly when they do, its outside in a normal setting of life! I also learned that not everyone needs to understand what you are going through!
It's voice comes back when least expected and can still push me off guard!
Some might give up and go back to feel peace again. The battle is hard! You might not see it but let me tell you when your brain is tired, you are tired! So the reall battle comes when you are almost there. You thought you had it beaten down. This is and always will be a breaking point!
Do I go back? Do I want to go back? And the answer should be no but like I said, I understand it fully when others give yes as their answer.
I however....I keep flipping my monster the finger but let me tell you, that is far from easy!
And while I am super excited and happy about that, the little fucker aka monster does not agree! I say fuck you and he says let me pull you down in the darkness again, you know you want to! While I do NOT give in, this is still a battle that asks so much from me that I hardly sleep or have energy. My nervs are on full speed and I often need to do things to calm my heart rate!
Gosh, how many times have heard, you don't want to go on vacation snekky, you are scared snekky, you can't do it snekky! I answer every time by asking myself questions. Is this fear real? What good does it bring me etc etc.... And yes, that is hard to do.
I kid you not! During all my years of therapy, and trust me I had many of them.... Nothing worked until I found the therapist I have now! Before her there was not one therapist who understood the fact that I NEED to laugh at how silly my fears are! They kept telling me that I was putting myself down that way! I can see how and why they think that but I also believe that a patient is more than just a patient, a number who you should treat according to all the words in the books. Every person is different and every patient needs their own way of help!
My therapist is amazing and we also have the same fucked up humor! Bless her heart! She lets me be ME! And when I start to laugh about my own fears, I become strong! I am not putting myself down, I am lifting myself up. I am giving myself the power to rise above the fear and look at with a giggle. Why I say that I don't see it as putting myself down is because its a simple fact that my FEARS ARE NOT TRUE! They are nothing but silly lies I kept telling myself for way too long and why?
So, I laugh... I laugh until I cry! I laugh until my belly hurts!
No matter how many times that freaking monster shows it face! I am batteling like a maniac hence I am writing this post at 2 am! because fuck sleep right? I can sleep when I reach my vacation because I shall! No matter how many hours I have to pain myself with reading weird jokes are telling my monster to piss off! I refuse to let it rule me again!
This little monster can kiss my perfectly shapes yet a bit too round ass! It can watch me flip it my finger over and over and of need be I will stap it in the eye with a spoon! Yes spoon, forks and me don't go well together!
I have a small monster for hire! You can borrow it if you like? I am just kidding of course, no one deserves to live with a monster in their head! I shall keep telling myself that I RULE my life! If the monster wants he can hang around, tag along the road but he will be submitted to me!
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Whaleshares | HIVE
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