I've been doing a deep dive into narcissistic personalities lately because I've started to notice a painful pattern in my life.
Looking back, many of my relationships, both romantic and within my family, shared the same unhealthy dynamics. Truly, each and every partner I’ve had was a narcissist, and each and every family member was one too. That is a massive thing I’m still trying to process and heal from.
For years, I couldn't decide whether my mother or my father was the bigger source of those patterns. These days, I think they both were deeply broken.
One of the deepest wounds I carry is around my appearance and my self-worth.
I was considered a beautiful child, and my mother used that as an extension of her own ego. Nobody asked whether I wanted to perform, be put on stage, or constantly be admired by adults. I didn't. I hated it.
Then I became a teenager.
I rebelled. I gained weight, cut my hair, and hid myself in baggy clothes. Instead of asking what I was going through, my mother repeatedly told me how ugly I'd become, how I'd ruined the family image, and how beautiful I used to be.
To this day, if I gain weight, my self-respect takes a hit. I'm incredibly careful about how I present myself, how I dress, how I look, and even how I behave. Somewhere deep inside, I learned that my value depended on my appearance.
The heartbreaking part is that many of my past partners picked up on that wound.
I told them about my childhood. I told them I struggled with body dysmorphia and that I never really saw myself as beautiful.
Instead of protecting that vulnerability, they turned it into a weapon.
One of them once looked at a selfie I'd taken after doing my makeup and said, "You're trying to look like a Ferrari, but you're really just a Lada, you don't look like that."
Another constantly reminded me that I had been "so skinny and beautiful" when we first met and that I was becoming ugly because I'd gained weight.
Looking back, those were enormous red flags.
A safe, emotionally secure partner doesn't take notes on your deepest wounds so they can use them against you later. They do the opposite. They learn where you're vulnerable so they can avoid hurting you there.
Someone who repeatedly attacks your insecurities isn't trying to help you grow. They're trying to make you feel smaller.
I wasted years in relationships like that.
I can't get those years back, but I did gain something valuable from them.
Now I know where my boundaries are.
The moment someone starts pushing them or deliberately tries to make me feel insecure, I'm gone.
Do I suddenly see myself as beautiful every day? No.
Those wounds don't disappear overnight.
But I do know that I have value, regardless of what someone else thinks of my appearance.
And honestly, that's a huge win.
If you're with someone who regularly uses your insecurities against you, please don't ignore it. Love should never make you feel smaller. A healthy partner doesn't weaponize your pain.
You deserve someone who protects your heart, not someone who learns exactly where to break it.
So ladies, if you are in a relationship with a man who has a need to turn your insecurity against you, leave them. Leave them as fast as you can. You deserve so much more than walking on eggshells, and that is simply no way to live.
