Year 2017 was the year of paradoxes for me. It gave me things I will cherished long in my life but also took away the things I have treasured (not treasured) since long. The paradox year forced me to think what I have, what I need to have, what I wish to have and how to manage those what I have. It was a realization of one own weakness and strength; a revelation of own personality and of those around it, and the way to cope them. This year has turned me into a different person and laid the foundation for something I want to build on in long run.
At the very beginning of the year, I cherished the love and care of my important friends. But amidst of the year, I lost the friend with whom I shared many moments and secrets. Reason, my out of sight out of mind nature. Though I initially blamed my friend for not understanding my nature and valuing my friendship, it was me who took the friendship for granted and didn’t try to make that person realize that her presence matters. I didn’t carry the burden of taking that friendship forward enough. I made the other side heavier and when the other side was not that much willing to take the burden, I realized I have lost my hold. I have lost the presence of that beautiful person and the chemistry between us.
This led me to the fear of losing the friends I have. The solitude I boasted to enjoy haunted me. The fear of my friends abandoning me one by one got hold of me. I realized I can't always ask the other party to take the responsibility of taking friendship farther. I have to play my part, make them realized they matter in word and action. Maybe that is why, I have been trying to be more social; in contact with people that matter to me and trying to make them realize that they matter to me. On positive note, I have succeed renewing my friendship with people I love.
2017 forced me to see the first death in my family since I was born and blessed me with the generation after me. My grandmother left me forever. Her death hit me as a loss of someone always willing to stand and as the realization of ultimate destination of my life. Missing her was an issue anticipated but her death brought in me a kind of gloominess that only thing I could think was death and old age. I speculated my old age, death and the suffering I have to go through to meet that final end. I wanted to deny the death but the absence of my grand mom forced me to believe, I can't. For months, I ponder over her death with the grief of losing a of the pillar of my life. I thought I would lose my sanity and almost decided to take medical assistance if the thought continued to hunt me.
But the birth of new family members in my family filled the vacuum I felt for so long. My elder sister's son showed me the other face of life, birth. His presence filled the void created by the absence of my grandmother. His birth showed me the cycle of life; birth and death. I realized death is there that is why the life exists. My grandmother died to give place to my son and maybe someday, I would die to give space to my grandson. His presence proved the fact I have known since and gave meaning to death. The deep and gradual realization made me feel our insignificant presence on earth. Only thing we have on our hand is to go on live as it comes and give whatever thing possible to the future generation.
This was also the year of incomplete achievement for me. While I passed all written exam of my post-graduation, I could not even start my thesis. This half success was a kind of joke to me; showed how much I struggled to pass all papers and on another showed how I failed to work hard enough to give meaning to that success. The success remind me unripen food that would decay without going to anyone stomach just because that was separated from its tree early.
This year was also the year of catch 22 for me. I had to choose between the career and the money it provides to take care of my family over the family itself. Away from family since two years; the ever increasing feeling of loneliness and death of my grandmother forced me to choose my sanity and family over the career and money. I settled for something lesser than I had, I decided to return home. This taught me that the priorities of life change and the decision is based on those priorities. Two years ago, my career and the money I earned was the most important thing for my life but now it became secondary to my family and sanity. I chose better for me amidst of the contemplation of what my colleague would think of me, what my future employer would ask about my regression and how will I introduce myself to people with a lower position I hold than before.
2017 was kind to me for it gave me something to settle with for the loss I bore. It was kind to me for it gave me the ability to stand for myself in whatever way possible and if it could give me the ability to fight it forced me to learn, change and adjust. It demanded transformation in me so that I have less to blame and complain either myself or the other. It held me accountable for whatever things that were in my control and asked me to let go of things I can't control.