I was only going to be away for a few weeks one time. The decision was sudden, and I left home the following evening. It was abrupt for my mother and she wasn't quite dealing with it well. The next day, she began urging me to return home—that there was "no need" to be away for my reasons. In my mind, I was like, "Oh no, here we go again. She just wouldn't understand what I have to do and why I have to move quick!" But what I actually said in response to her was different.
You see, I knew how it was all going to go down. I knew that she wouldn't easily understand me. All she could see was her own perspective, and I knew better than to even begin to make her see from mine. So I relaxed—because I was already beginning to get a little mad—and tried something else. From the statements she had already mentioned, I asked her, "Are you insisting on me returning home because you're worried I wouldn't feed well and that you already really miss me?" Next thing I knew, it was like Open Sesame.
My mother's emotions began to flow and she expressed her actual concerns and thoughts. Apparently, she had already been sleeping in my room since I left. When she told me that, I was very surprised, and I just couldn't fully understand. But then I realized that we're not only different people but also different genders.
As a man, I wouldn't be missing someone else so quickly. For example, my brother and I may not even speak or see each other for days and we'd be perfectly alright. It appears that it's not the same with women. How much more a mother? Even as I write this, I still cannot fathom it.
Since I do know what it's like to actually miss my significant other so dearly, and I would feel, I could then begin to imagine just a bit of what it was like for her. The next line of action was to validate her feelings and then reassure her.
I was first like, "Aww, Mama Olujay is already missing her son so much. Eyyy... This love, I'm jealous o." She began to respond affirmatively, "Yes na. I'm already missing my son and I don't like as you're far away." This son she's talking about is a fully grown adult that's been to most of the states in the southern region and away from home in one year sometime ago. As a matter of fact, ready to marry and bear children. But you know, to her, he's still that same baby boy...
Afterwards, I just assured her that I'd be alright and that she should expect that I'd be looking even healthier than she expects when I return. She relaxed, and then I was now able to begin to tell her why it was necessary for me to leave for my reasons. She could then understand a little better.
Seeking to understand first before being understood. It's a habit that surprisingly does a lot in strengthening relationships and conversations. If we're all seeking to be understood first, we'd sometimes be running in circles. I'd have just found myself in another hitch with my mother if I had been trying so hard to first be understood.
