People say that kids don’t come with a manual, but the reverse is almost true now days. Now there are a million books, blogs, and experts who claim to know the right way to raise kids. Show affection to your kids so they don’t become heartless sociopaths, but not too much or they’ll become spoiled. Give your kids freedom, don’t be a helicopter parent, but not too much because you could get arrested (http://www.cnn.com/2015/01/20/living/feat-md-free-range-parents-under-attack/index.html). Never get upset with your kids, but gosh darn it you better keep them in line in public.
Everyone and their mother (literally) has their own opinion about how parents should or shouldn’t act. But, no matter what parenting “style” you use, or what expert you choose to listen to, there are three fundamental parenting skills that remain effective across the spectrum of parenting. If you want to raise well behaved kids who listen and follow your expectations, you need to master the following fundamental parenting skills:
Whatever the expectations are that you set for your house and your children, be clear. In order to make sure you are being as clear as possible, you have to first do two things:
1. Set Expectations. If you don’t know what it is that you want your children to do, or how you expect your house to run, then there’s no way that you can communicate that to your children. So, sit down with anyone who is involved significantly in raising your children and hash it out. Decide what things are important enough to you that they need to be formalized expectations. Also, determine what the consequences will be (positive or negative), because part two of clarity is…
2. Communicate those expectations. You aren’t responsible for duties at work that you don’t know about, right? It’s the same for your children. They can’t be expected to follow any rules or expectations that aren’t clearly and concisely defined for them. You’re not a mind reader, and neither are they. So take that list of expectations that you made in the last step, have a family meeting over dinner one night, and talk about those expectations with your children.
Make sure you keep your discussions, and expectations, age appropriate. You may have to simplify things for younger kids. If it’s part of your parenting “style”, allow your children to discuss these expectations with you, and maybe even be involved in adding to or modifying them. Whatever you choose to do, always spend a few moments checking that your children understand what you’re asking of them, and know how to comply with these expectations.
Fundamental parenting skill number two is follow through. Once you’ve set and clearly communicated your expectations, uphold them. “Expectations” implies that you “expect” them followed. This means reminding your children of the expectations when necessary, whether verbally or with aids such as chore charts or a poster of the family rules. Then follow through with either positive consequences (rewarding children for following expectations), or negative consequences (disciplining children for not following expectations), or a combination of the two. Again, whatever fits your “style”. (More on positive and negative consequences here.) What’s most important about your follow through brings us to fundamental parenting skills number three…
If you are not going to follow through on enforcing your expectations EVERY TIME, then don’t bother to set expectations. This may seem harsh, but the fact of the matter is, every time you don’t follow through on upholding your expectations by handing out the appropriate consequences, you undermine your authority as well as the importance of your expectations. Being consistent about your follow through shows your children that your expectations are important to you. When your kids see that your expectations are serious to you, they are more likely to take them seriously too. Also, when you are consistent about your expectations your children see you as predictable and reliable, and ultimately safe. As a result, your children will have more respect for you (more on that in another post).
Setting and communicating clear expectations, and then following through with consistency is the key to being an effective parent. No matter your parenting style or creed, these three fundamental parenting skills will serve to make your life easier and will help you along the path to parenting bliss.
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