My French is tres tres bad anyway.
Lately I have become so fogging numb that I even do not feel the need to rant anymore. Around me, a lot of people seem to be scared though, for some reason. The ultimate fear has gone viral, or so it seems. Have people gone totally bonkers? "It is as bad as the Spanish Flu of 1918!", a man wearing a mouth-nose mask (non-medical of course) shouts at me. Glad he wears that thing, at least now I do not get covered all over with his spittle. "Are ya a freakin' idiot?", I ask as kindly as one possibly can, "That one killed between 20 and a 100 million people worldwide!" And I know I should not have gone to the Supermarket at this early hour. Way too crowded. People busy cleaning their shopping carts, wearing masks and gloves. Sweat drops pearling on their foreheads, pale faces to match, it makes them look very ill, so I keep my natural born distance.
"You're standing too close to my husband!", the misses hisses, while she comes to my rescue, unknowingly. Never took any step towards the man, as he actually was the one that almost jumped at my throat. But I do not need this crap, I want people to keep their distance from me. That has never changed, it was like that way before 'THE VIRUS' appeared. "You should clean the bar handle of your cart.", he said and that was how this rubbish started. "It is voluntary sir.", I kindly replied. Not in the mood to get into some stupid useless discussion with a Covidiot. It is already getting on my nerves since the beginning of may 2020. And I do my best to avoid them, the mask wearing scared pale looking fellow humans. It is like they live in a different realm as I do. Maybe I've gone to the fourth dimension, while they got stuck in the first one, who knows.
He stops my cart and pulls it aside: "NO! It is mandatory, you could kill others by not cleaning it!", oh my, this day is getting worse by the minute. Now I know that a fake cough could scare this moron off. But then I also might give some of the innocent bystanders the shitters. And I already know that talking knowledge and scientific facts does not help with the extremely scared ones. Facts do not seem to count at all. They'll only go on about how many are 'contaminated' and then something about the sea rolling in yet another wave. How we are getting flooded and we all are going to die horribly! Up North in Nederland, were I live, it has been very quiet actually for about 5 months, or something like that. Almost no hospital admissions, a few Intensive Care cases and even fewer cases of people dying. Maybe that has influenced my current paradigm. And there are no TV channels at my place, so I might have missed out on some of the constant fear mongering.
Really, I do dislike doing groceries, going to stores, being at crowded places, way too much impressions to my liking. Today I was unable to avoid it though, the close encounters with some of the unkind. "CLEAN THE BAR HANDLE!", the man his face already has turned to a mixed purple-blue-red color. "Maybe you should remove the mask, it looks like you are not getting enough oxygen in.", I reply in a calm manner, while softly pulling the cart away from the Covidiot. Maybe an 'unprotected' fake sneeze would have him leave me alone, but that would also scare others. And I do not want to harm the innocent in any way. "When I am ordered to do something by the authorities, I do so, as should you!", while he says that he is walking towards me, as if he wants to give me a good seeing to. "And afterwards you will state that you did not know and just followed orders, right...?", I reply sarcastically, wildly guessing he does not even get the Nuremberg trials reference. "Don't bother talking to those people, it helps shait.", a young woman passing by whispers to me. "_KEEP 1.5 METERS DISTANCE WOMAN...!", now the Covidiot is going at the young lady her throat.
"Those young people are killing us with their bad behavior!", now the angry man is pointing his finger at her. "For a moment there I thought it was supposed to be a virus that did the killing.", I say to the man, as I covertly signal the young woman to move on. In the meantime the Covidiot has moved even closer to me. In his hand he holds some sanitizer bottle that he took from the table at the entrance of the store. And as he holds it up close to my face he shouts: "CLEAN IT, I ORDER YOU TO CLEAN IT!" At this moment I notice that there have been some people gathering around us. At a safe 'social' distance, of course. "What would happen if I took a piss at you?", I ask the already swollen purple headed dick in front of me. "Only aimed at your non-medical-mouth-nose-mask of course, as I have come to understand it will protect you from most urine passing through." And I hear some of the crowd, still gathered around us, laugh out loud. Good, some also do seem to get the stupidity of some stuff that has been passed around as 'logic' on some of the Social Media Platforms.
"It is alcohol based sir, that does not resolve proteine, it has no use battling a virus. Soap might though.", while I explain this to him, I noticed he aimed the sanitizer nozzle at my eyes. From my right I see a woman quickly marching towards us. Also masked, gloved and what not, her face is a kind of red colored. At about two meters distance she comes to a halt. Her eyes are on fire and her frown tells me she is very angry. Turns out it is the misses Covidiot, coming to my rescue. Well, that was probably not her intention, but it kind of worked out that way. "You're standing too close to my husband!", while she hisses that at me she pushes him back. The man almost trips over some store items while he goes into the enforced reverse. If 'the virus' would not kill him, his misses just might have almost. Luckily he manages to find a balance again, but dropped the sanitizer bottle on the floor. The fluids moving quickly in all kinds of directions away from the broken pieces. The area now became a 'slippery when wet' dangerzone. "Look what you caused!", misses Covidiot seems like she wants to turn this into my fault by saying those words. Ah well, I have been accused of far worse shait and I still live to tell.
"Why haven't you started to immediately get the groceries like I told you to...!?", the anger of the misses 'authorities' now is aimed at her spouse. All of a sudden I feel sorry for the man. Within a split second he got humiliated publicly. His balls cut off in front of a crowd, without anesthesia. He mumbles something, hard to understand what. The misses seems not done yet, maybe going for his spine next. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME...!?", she shouts from the top of her lungs while moving towards him in a threatning way. Up close to him she puts her hands in her side in a gushy manner and says: "Well? Do you dare to repeat it to me now?" All of a sudden there is an eerie silence in the store. Everbody is holding their breath right now. The man seems to have calmed down though, even his face has turned back into a 'shortage of sunlight from staying too long inside' pale kind of color. And there is a little twinkle starting to sparkle in his eyes as he looks at his misses.
Then he slowly pulls down his non-medical-mouth-nose-mask all the way down under his chin. And a big smile appears when he says: "You know what dear, let me take a piss at your face-mask and experience how good it is at stopping urine from pouring through..." And while he removes his mask and dumps it in the trashcan he moves on stating: "You know, I am done with this shait, you do as you want, but I'm out." And then the man drops his mic, so to speak, takes his cart and turns towards the first store lane. She is still standing there as if she got nailed to the floor. Apparently having a hard time grasping what just happened. "Well, what are you still standing there for? There are some groceries to get and then I am gonna go for a long walk outside, enjoying the sunny weather.", he says happily as he grabs her hand to get her into motion again. Slowly she finally starts to move forward not saying a word, while he starts humming a Johnny Hallyday tune: 'Pour moi la vie va commencer'...
Never knew that suggesting to take a piss at someone their face-mask could actually get them to get back to their senses.
Maybe things are not half bad after all?
