Looking back on the past year is not easy for me. I have had a lot of challenges. But I believe that in order for me to figure out what went wrong, I needed to be courageous enough to look back no matter how it made me feel.
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One of the things that I will continue to do this year is not apologizing or feeling the need to explain who and what I am today. My experiences in life shaped me into who and what I am.I may express my perceptions and interpretations on things but, I am not going to insist or monopolize it as the whole truth of the situation.
I have met a wonderful lady who made a lot of difference in my life last year. She advocated for me. Though I can say that its a "collective" effort, I think its safe to say that what had really made her different from the rest of the world was her ability to teach me self love and self respect. That made a ton of difference because learning how to do that had made me happier. It took quite awhile for me to learn and accept that I may never please everyone and sometimes, in order to validate these, I needed to cut off anything that upset or made me feel uncomfortable.
I have learned the value of self validation and the meaning behind why it is better to have fewer friends who can really advocate for you. I learned that what I think of how and what I look matters more than what the world believes in.
Another thing that had been memorable for me is moving on and not holding any grudges against anyone. I had my fair share of people I wanted to visit with my fury and my own version of justice.But, I let go anyway because in the end, I live, sleep and eat better. I do not waste my time every day recalling the events in the past and, revisiting old wounds. While I learn from the wisdom of the past, its the present and the future I have control with and, I wanted to focus on them. I do not feel the need to win, dominate or be on top of anything. I believe that my personal perception matters more than the collective approval and adoration of the world.
These past few weeks, I often catch myself smiling contentedly over all the decisions I made previously. They are not a top of the line win-win situation. But, those choices advocated for me: I decided to continue writing even when I find it cumbersome and frustrating. Writing makes me happy. It makes me feel heard and validated. I decided to enter into a field I know nothing about but I am hoping would be a way for me to settle in. I made myself completely vulnerable to a selected few believing and hoping that they will understand me more. I stopped thinking on what would make me happy but instead focus on making a person happy each day regardless of who or what they are without compromising my beliefs and perceptions.
I am very happy with all the choices I made and hopefully, continue to make. They are not bulletproof choices. They might even sound foolish and stupid to others. But at the end of the day, its all about me and how I think I could address my concerns and interests better. Its not about money, fame or getting ahead of the game. Its more about self love, self respect and self validation.
I sleep and wake up each day thinking that others may not accept who and what I am but I simply don't care. I am who I am. If I need to stand alone in order to advocate for what I think and believe in, so be it!
That I think is the most important lesson I have learned in the past year.
