April 1, 2023
3/31
My mind's been quiet lately. From the whispers of it making me do something stupid, to it saying "remember that time when we--?, to its lousy singing of Snooze by Sza on loop. The one inside my head. My friend and constant opponent. She seems absent these days.
Maybe she's giving me the silent treatment because lately, I haven't slept more than 15 hours a day. Yep, I'm only awake for 9hrs a day. Must be quite a shocker to her. I mean I too would find it shocking-- sleeping for exactly 8 hours each day instead of 15 hours. I feel like she's going to throw a tantrum soon.
"I want my 12hr sleep! AND my 3 hr nap!"
Shhhh... You know we can't keep on doing that. I know you want to practice closing your eyes but I recall you also saying "you wanted to experience everything life has to offer". Giiirl that was like 11yrs ago we're done with the optimistic era, right?
I gave up too easily. That was the problem with me. Along the way, I turned into someone who expected too much from herself. There was no room for errors or mistakes. We can't allow people to see that, right? we can make them think at some point we failed.
Was it really scary for people to find out you failed? On the surface level, yes it was.
But what was more terrifying? Not trying, not doing anything, and sleeping for 15hrs a day.
We are not doing that anymore. Pun intended. No more. Nmore ehe
I've started giving myself positive tasks in the last 2 days. Today is my 3rd day of trying to develop good habits. I'm planning to continue with this for 31 days. Hopefully, I train myself properly and manage to retain this mindset.
My day would go something like this.
Wake up @ 10am
Make Bed
Morning hygiene routine
Read a book of 15 pages
Log 30-day Workout Challenge
Lunch
Play with niece
Nap
Gym
Shower
Draft blog/Job apps
Meditate
Sleep @ 2am
The challenging part about this was actually starting somewhere. So I thought maybe, I could write down the things I want to work on.
I wanted to be okay. The real okay, okay? not the fake ass "okay" we say whenever someone asks us how we were doing. To be really okay I want to work on what makes a person really okay.
Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually. You need to be okay in all these 3 to really say that you're okay. Okay? Enough with the okays, Nmore. We get it.
So what have I been doing lately?
A. Writing - Helps me spiritually and emotionally. It gives me a sense of fulfillment and an outlet for releasing my feelings. It also allows me to be creative, critical, and of course grammar practice for writing a bunch of emails in the future ( hello corpo life).
I have 8/10 blogs to write. This was not included in the list. I'm going to release 2 every week.
B. Working out - Helps me physically and spiritually. It helps me build disciple, improves self-esteem, and relates pain with growth. And of course, it gives us endorphins and most importantly it makes me hawt. teehee
I gave myself a 30-day challenge workout too. I promised myself not to skip a day and focus on what I put in my body. Right now, my goal is to lose weight but the end goal is to be strong, lean, and muscular. (cough. muscle mommy)
C. Reading - Feeds the mind and soul. Learn from others' experiences. Broaden your perspectives and imagination. Improves your vocabulary and communication.
I'm currently reading Atomic Habits. Very timely that I got a hold of this book. I am kinda tempted to finish it quickly because I find the contents beneficial and interesting but I'm afraid if I do so I won't be able to absorb as much.
D. Meditation - A real alone time. Helps you be more conscious of yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
I like to wrap up my day with this. First, I practice calmness-- proper breathing and letting go. Second, I reflect on the things I did the whole day and contemplate what was right from wrong and what areas are in need of improvement. Third, reciting positive mantras, what I think I create.
These and basic self-care necessities like eating, bathing, sleeping, skincare routines, getting sunlight, and maintaining orderly surroundings. And let's not forget to find a source of income. All of this, I believe relaxes and gives me peace of mind... I just need more time to get a job. Money. That's just what's lacking. hehe
I haven't been this productive in a very long time. When I started this, I wanted it to be part of a self-healing process but I can't help but think that maybe I'm just trying to keep myself distracted so I would not dwell on the things that hurt right now.
All these small wins but my heart feels so heavy. Did it really have to come to this before we started changing ourselves? I'm proud of what I have done so far yet I've lost the only person who I could share it with. Someone who would also be enthusiastic about my small victories.
But fuck it.
Distractions or not should that really matter? At least I am no longer practicing dying by sleeping for 15hrs a day HAHA. If I fail, I'll let you know but I will do my best to restart over and over again no matter how many times it takes until this turns into a behavior.
Even if sometimes my chest tightens and I feel a sense of hopelessness. I want to keep on trying. Killing the monster within me.
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