The toxic relationship: how it was managed and lessons learned!
Most people believe in the saying that no relationship is perfect and thus endure an unhealthy relationship on that basis, even to the detriment of their mental health. Some people are constantly gasping for air, all because of a toxic partner or friend!
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Nowadays, toxic relationships are rampant, and while some people walk away if their issues cannot be fixed, others prefer to endure, perhaps for one reason or another, and probably live with regrets all their lives. Toxic relationships can exist between friends, family members, colleagues in your workplace, partners, etc. A relationship is said to be toxic when the show of love and care is one-sided, there is a lack of trust, lies, disrespect, poor communication, physical or emotional abuse, etc. Indeed, no relationship is perfect, but when it comes to the point that your differences cannot be fixed, maintaining a long distance can help calm the raging storm.
Fortunately for me, I haven't been in a toxic relationship, but one of my close friends was once in one, and I was fully involved in the matter until it got settled!
The Experience
She got married to the husband barely one month after someone recommended her as a wife to the husband. So basically, she didn't know much about the man before saying, "Yes, I do! One thing I know is that she saw how wealthy the man is, and it became a driving force for her fast decision to accept the marriage without dating the man to understand his character a bit. Fast forward to six months after the marriage and honeymoon, when the man started revealing his real character.
In the relationship, my friend has no say over any matter at home. Whatever the man says, stand! She was instructed not to make any friends at all, not to step out for any job, but to remain indoors all day. There was poor communication to the point that she doesn't know anything that happens around the man until she overhears him discuss matters over the phone with his mom. Their sexual life is like a rape; however, I wouldn't say much on this aspect. After she gave birth to her son, her husband prevented her mother-in-law from visiting, saying he wouldn't want any third party in their marriage. They will quarrel over little things that should be overlooked constantly, which on many occasions has attracted the neighbors' attention. It was indeed toxic to the point that whenever my friend wanted to make a special meal, her husband would remind her how poor her family was and lock up the kitchen.
At some point, my friend started recording the man's actions during their fights. I listened to one of the recordings she sent to me and saw how the man was barking like a dog over tea. The man was also a cheat; he had the audacity to bring in his girlfriend to his matrimonial home. What disrespect! Many times, he hit my friend, gave her injuries, and threatened to deal with her if she involved anyone in their marital issues. She always carried me along in her issues, and when I couldn't take it anymore, I advised her to communicate with her people and also to give the man some space if she didn't want to leave the marriage.
Involving her parents was the beginning of her little freedom because the family called the man for an urgent meeting, to which they both traveled to see their clan, and after many dialogues, they reached an agreement.
How it was managed
The elders of their clan, hearing how toxic their relationship has been, decided that they separate for two years. Note: Separation isn't divorce! Within their two years of separation, their communication started returning gradually, and the man became caring and loving all of a sudden. I guess he reflected on so many things that transpired and couldn't stop apologizing to the wife. They started understanding each other better during the two years of distance. Before two years had passed, the man was already pleading that my friend and the child return home, but she waited until two years. Finally, they returned, and their once toxic relationship became healthy once again. They had weeks of self-examination, discussions, and ways forward about their marriage. They also renewed their marital vows in the church. Surprisingly, the separation worked like magic; it's been 3 years now since they started living together, and their love for each other kept waxing stronger. The man adores and respects her now like never before. She seeks her opinion on different family matters now, invites the wife's family for a chitchat, and gives them an allowance monthly. In fact, there is a lot of restoration in their relationship now, and I am happy that things got fixed again for them.
Lesson learned!
A young guy or lady aspiring to enter into a relationship that will possibly lead to marriage should take time to study each other. Personally, I learned that I shouldn't die in silence when things are going wrong. I will always speak out, and hopefully I will get help to fix things again!
In conclusion, separation might not work in every toxic relationship; some may require that you take a walk; some can be fixed, and you can enjoy your relationship again. Whichever way, don't endure a toxic relationship because it's very unhealthy.
This post is in response to the #hivelearners contest on the topic of toxic relationships.