We've been taught that anger is a "bad" emotion.
The thing is...
EVERY emotion is valid.
EVERY emotion has a purpose.
And denying a valid emotion that has a purpose can not, logically, be a healthy response to the emotion.
Anger usually arises when we feel threatened.
It can be helpful to encourage us to take action to protect ourselves.
The thing is... to not blindly react when this particular emotion arises or it can make things worse and, because we live in (what we claim to be) "civilized" society, it can also get us into trouble.
Anger is also often what we consider to be a "secondary" emotion.
This is to say, it covers a deeper emotion that we aren't able or allowed to feel for some reason.
It is usually a secondary emotion for hurt as it turns out.
So again... it's not a good idea to REACT to the emotion of anger...
but it is a very good idea to not be afraid of anger (or any emotion) and to acknowledge that we are feeling it.
Because either a threat of physical harm... or a threat of emotional harm do need to be addressed in a constructive way for us to be able to protect ourselves.
By programming people to believe that anger is not acceptable, we only create shame around the emotion and encourage people to both believe there is something wrong with them for feeling it...
and we possibly prevent people from taking the necessary constructive action to change whatever situation is threatening them or causing them harm.
As a holistic coach for mental health and addiction, I encourage my clients to acknowledge EVERY emotion that arises so that they can "see" their situations and environments in "truth" (i.e. both the positive and the negative aspects).
In doing this, people are able to understand what external influences may be causing them distress and take constructive, well thought out action to change things for themselves.
So yes. Blindly reacting to one's anger is not at all advisable.
But acknowledging one's anger, taking the time to understand why one is angry and then choosing how to RESPOND constructively to the cause of the anger...
is actually a very enlightened and healthy thing to do, in my personal opinion and experience.
While smothering ANY emotion that we consider to be "negative", or avoiding them by only focusing on the "positive", is extremely (in my experience again) destructive to a person's mental health over time.
There is a quote that I've seen in various forms that says something like:
Depression is anger turned inwards.
This is correct.
Although I can explain quite rationally while this is so, it is too long to go into for a post for Hive Learners latest prompt on #anger. But I am busy trying to finish a book explaining exactly how this actually "works".
In short... if we see anger as a part of the fight / flight reaction (fight / flight / freeze / fawn)...
if the anger (fight reaction) is repressed... a person can move into the "freeze" reaction... which can result in what we call "depression".
As more and more professionals begin to take a trauma informed approach, instead of the now outdated biological or medical approaches (which suggest things like "anxiety" and "depression" are "diseases" or "disorders")... this begins to make complete sense.
And I'm far from the only professional who's had lasting success with this approach, by the way. It's being used and punted by many of us, but the mainstream medical fraternity is slow to catch on. Mostly for financial reasons.
But that is also not what this post is about.
When a person feels "anger" it is usually a sign that a boundary of theirs has been crossed... or that they are in actual danger of some kind.
Regardless... well thought out, constructive action may well need to be taken for them to reclaim some of their power, to feel safe again and to make sure they are safe moving forward.
Often this comes simply in the form of setting a healthy boundary.
Setting healthy boundaries is something few of us were taught. In my generation anyway. And it's a skill that really needs to be mastered because the beauty of boundaries is that they protect EVERYONE in the exchange, you see.
If a boundary is not put into place, there is a greater chance that a person may "explode" in anger at a later stage. And often this may have nothing to do with the situation at hand.
You can see how much confusion and trouble this could cause in relationships and work environments...
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It becomes quite funny when we don't express our own boundaries, needs or wants ourselves...
and then get angry with other people for stepping over (or on) us!
More words from random internet memes that are probably misquoted and I do apologize in advance and stand both corrected and open to being corrected (always)...
But it goes something like:
People treat you the way you allow them to.
The thing is... if you haven't let them know how you would like to be treated then how can they possibly know how to do this?
Learning to say a polite, firm and simple no to the things that hurt, threaten or upset you will keep both yourself and those around you "safe".
So no... anger is a "good" emotion. As all emotions are "good". If they are used wisely, consciously and with awareness.
To change and grow.
In my experience again. 馃槉
If you find yourself angry I'd invite you to try the following, instead of pretending that you aren't angry. Or reacting blindly and causing unnecessary turmoil or damage.
- Acknowledge you are angry. It's fine! Just don't react immediately please!
- Take the time to "ground" and relax; step away; find your calm
- Consider what CONSTRUCTIVE action you may want to take, to change the situation and make sure it doesn't happen again.
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Very often... you can choose not to engage with the situation again. If Facebook pisses you off, don't use it! Simple! The same can be applied to groups or individuals that you aren't really invested in.
You can't control how other people behave or what they think. It's pointless even trying! Impossible really.
You can control where you focus your attention and time. And how you choose to respond. These are probably the only things you CAN control in life, in fact!
If you are in a situation where you have to engage again, or want to engage again, it may be a good idea to place a respectful boundary down. (I say may but...)
I've had a GREAT technique shared with me (not mine but gleaned from doing this stuff for many years, widely used and highly recommended).
It goes like this...
If you find it hard to assert yourself, you can use this very clever method and this exact structure WHEN YOU ARE CALM ENOUGH to do it.
You can say to the person who has hurt you:
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- When you do [state what the incident or behaviour was that upset you]
- It makes me feel as though / like [state how it makes you FEEL - no thoughts, please. Feelings work best]
- I would prefer it if you [give the person an alternative way of approaching or treating you that you will allow]
eg. When you ignore me, it makes me feel as though you don't value my participation. I'd prefer it if you simply told me to not contact you moving forward or that you'll respond when you're able to if you want to stay in touch.
So worthwhile!
I personally have a three strike rule. I give situations and people I don't know well a bit of time. I observe their behaviour before I make possibly triggered snap judgements. I cut some slack... but over time if their actions aren't in accordance with my values and principles I simply move on.
Without judgement these days...
No need to even get angry much anymore! 馃榿
But it took putting my own boundaries down, both visible / spoken and just my own quiet ones of what I will and won't allow anymore...
for me to lose most of my "anger" entirely.
Remember... you are in control of what you will allow as acceptable for yourself. And you're worth it! You ARE!
You're worthy of respect. Of love. Of validation. Of kindness. Of reciprocity. Of all those good things you may share so freely with everyone else.
Be you. Kindly. Honestly. Calmly!
The world will adjust ... *stolen and revised from I don't even know where...
Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
Featured image Montage created by writer with Photo by Mitsuo Komoriya on Unsplash; Photo by Amel Majanovic on Unsplash; Photo by Muhmed Alaa El-Bank on Unsplash