Update:
Coffee
Laundry in the machine (big load of dirty laundry today :) )
Walked to the chemist and got an asthma pump. COPD. Stress directly affects the lungs and causes asthma. In kids too, btw. If the parents are stressed #ItsScience
Bought some Nicorettes and about to stop smoking. Again. I am not about to let someone in active addiction drag me into their chaos and insanity. #ItsNotMyShitToCarryThanks
Someone once told me that you should quit an addiction when you're in the thick of a super stressful situation. And it's all downhill from there. It worked back in 2019 so hey ho...
Nervous system is ringing. No surprise there. A couple (or more) nights like this, now, and I'm tired. Not eating well either. It's the stress. Of course. I am forcing myself to eat because fuel and staying "up".
Bad nutrition affects the brain - the gut is now called "the small brain" #ItsScience
It can cause mental health reactions if you don't eat enough.
Also #StayHydrated
I'll cut down on coffee today then too. Should help with quitting the cigs as well.
I could see folks know what is going on when I entered the door of the Chemist.
Your brain picks up signals of "danger" in milliseconds, you know. Sometimes you aren't even aware of this. #MoreToFollow
Nobody would talk about "reality" or "truth" though.
#ItsNotPolite #Dysfunction101 #TrustYourself
Seeing everybody pretending and not being able to speak honestly creates a feeling of "Derealization" or "Cognitive Dissonance". For me anyway. I don't think I'm any different from anybody else out there. That would be crazy :)
I used to wander around not even noticing that I was in a Fight/Flight reaction, because I was raised to think this is "normal". I suspect you have too. #TheElephantInTheRoom
#SuckItUpButtercup #TheGoodOldDays
After practicing awareness of my nervous system for some years, I now notice immediately when it is activated.
I used to have full blown panic attacks. Debilitating and humiliating. Even on the meds.
Today I put my nervous system back into "safe" mode within a few minutes.
Being forced to lie activates my Fight/Flight Stress Reaction because one of my primary traumas was abuse and I was told I was lying and to remain silent.
Used the PolyVagal Theory while I waited my turn at the chemist. Humming, Tapped on my chest. I used to call this feeling "anxiety".
Now I know what it is I can manage it pretty quickly and regulate my nervous system with these action based physical skills. I was calm and polite by the time it was my turn. I even remembered some of the Afrikaans I am learning and manage to hold some conversation.
When you are in the Fight/Flight reaction you may find you are unable to think clearly. "Racing thoughts". This is not ADHD in my experience. It is also due to the nervous system being in Fight or Flee. #Proof
My first Flight/Fight Reaction is "Fight". But since I have been standing ground for some time now and am still "stuck" there are feelings of depression. Short bursts. Again.
I feel very "tired". Heavy tired. And my eyes feel dry. These are my personal signs that the Freeze Reaction is setting in because I can't flee.
To counter the Freeze Reaction - I tap into my valid anger. This is bullshit, quite frankly. Why should I be suffering because of other people's addiction and insanity? Fuck that.
This got me back up when I was having a liddle "poor me" moment. You'll never recover if you allow yourself to feel like a victim. And, trust me, nobody is coming to save me. I can save yourself! #IArePowerful
I was naive to come here. My naivety has gotten me into trouble my whole life. #KnowThyselfFirst
I accept my feelings as valid. Yes. This is important! I am sad about this situation. And scared. Naturally.
I even had a small cry.
Then I shook it off and I will take constructive action to fix my situation.
I looked for new accomodation on Facebook. Again. Nothing I can afford. Again.
I wrote a post and ranted.
I did not post it!!!
Do not act out on your anger. You will only make your situation worse #CrazyBirch101
Acknowledge it. Step back and ground. First!
Chores - admin. Just do it. No holidays allowed.
While I was walking to the shops a family passed me. And can you guess what the liddle boy said as they went by?
Go on... take a guess :)
"Resist". He said quietly.
I grinned. And so I shall my fine young fellow traveller.
Because fuck them, quite frankly. I have not done anything wrong here. I walked my principles and values, you see. So I am not ashamed of my behaviour. And I can stand up in a court of law and open heartedly share my truth.
#IDidNotAskForThis #ThisIsNotMyFault
And if even one child "gets" this, and doesn't have to waste all those precious years trying to avoid themselves and their life with drugs, alcohol or "insanity"...
It is worth it.
See you soon.
Freely gifted because you are worth it!
Donations welcome. To spread the word.
I am real.
I am not a therapist and this is not medical advice. Do not come off medications or change treatment or programs without support from a medical professional or therapist. It is dangerous.
?
I guess time will tell.
