The sun is shining brightly as I re-pack my belongings on the beach after breakfast. It's a five star hotel but I've never been one to buy into formality and made up social constructs.
The staff at the front desk, visible from the dining tables set a few meters away at the cusp of the island seashore, are smiling at me from a distance. My boyfriend's face, however, is darkening moment by moment.
By the time I've finished saying good bye to them in person and giving them a high five each to say farewell, as they delightedly laugh out loud, his face is like blackened thunder.
I don't ask though. We've been working on conscious relating. Something none of us were taught at home because they just didn't know about this shit back then. I see his expression but shrug it off because I expect he'll tell me if he has a problem with something. We try to own our shit, you see. In fact, one of his earliest messages, when he asked me what I was looking for in an intimate partner was, "You had me at personal accountability."
We are, after all, independent adults who are both into freedom and seeking.
“We need to have a talk on the subject of what's yours and what's mine.”
― Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Salvador Dali "Swans Reflecting Elephants" Jigsaw Puzzle
Try not to misunderstand this title, please. I know how hard this process is. ❤️
Originally sourced from the Rest in Pieces website
Proving I am human - Hive 2022 - isn't The Your Shadow interesting? 😊
Thank you to all those who've participated thus far.
I once called him "elegant" and it made him smile.
He was though. An elegant man. Graceful and self-contained to his very core, he'd laugh at my boyish, off the beaten track mostly barefoot when-I-am-most-myself. He once bought me a skirt and flinched when I wanted to drag him onto a mountain somewhere for a walk while I was wearing it. It must've been expensive.
Suddenly made aware of this, I said I'd change into something more casual and he caught himself, laughed at me and shook his head. "No. It's fine. I knew you'd be running around in the wild, tearing it on brambles anyway." Or summink like that.
He saw me right from the get go. That man. And continued to see me even more, as much as he was able to, throughout our very precious time together. But he had done some seeking himself. And he had been cast out into the desert himself for some years as well. His wisdom regarding this only became clear to me after I'd experienced something similar. Of course.
I guess an experience like that makes a person know who they are clearly enough to be able to see others a bit more clearly. Know what? He still made mistakes and bad calls. And, when I met him after being sober and working my own recovery for going on four years...
so did I.
But he did "see" me. Or tried to as much as he could anyway. And I did "see" him. In between going back to sleep, dancing with my own subconscious and projecting all my unprocessed shit onto him while I grew. And he did too. As we mirrored each other. And we grew. Together.
And we talked a fuck ton in between and called each other out on and owned our shit the whole way through. And then we talked some more and figured out how much we'd completely misunderstood. And how much we actually agreed on. And how much we'd "forgotten". And how much we simply hadn't known. Yet.
And all that interest and effort and personal accountability and shit, in any relationship, is more than enough to keep any relationship conscious.
And to keep it all "good".
Even when it sucks and it is hard.
“The only relationship that can make both partners happy is one in which sentimentality has no place and neither partner makes any claim on the life and freedom of the other.”
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
I think that's why I loved him so madly, by the way.
It was his self-awareness, and the capacity to own his shit and learn that actually resulted in my own awakening in very many ways. That and his enormous intelligence and life experience. He saw some things far more clearly than I was able to back then. And I saw some other things far more clearly than he was able to back then.
I tell you something...
when two people engage consciously and intentionally in any relationship the joy ride is fucking unreal! And the learning and growth immeasurable. It can also be really scary at times. Seeing yourself reflected and mirrored so clearly in real time back at you. If you stick it out though... well... you'd have to try it see what happens for yourself. of course!
I still miss him some days. And, at others, I still resent him.
Sometimes at the same time.
I'm not going to write more of this story on Hive right now, though.
It is time for some assimilation and integration.
For us all.
An important part of the process.
No point "forcing the ball", right?
And some of you lot have taken quite a bit of energy!
I am tired out again.
Swing Girl by Banksy - Original Source Photo from Banksy Explained
Sadly I've had to start a power down on my very hard earned HP.
And I put in a LOT of blood, sweat and hours in around here to grow it. Perhaps I made it look easy but it wasn't. It was hard work and long hours. Especially in the live and very real circumstances I am in. And which I have now grown tired of being in. The novelty has worn off. Some bad shit happened and threw me some not so cool curveballs and I've had to make some left turns for my own health and future.
It has also been, to almost quote my dad, a hella ride! 😆 and I've loved every minute of the journey around here. But I need a break now. And so do you from me, if anything I've shared is to be of any benefit at all to you.
No. I'm not leaving Hive in full. Although I know some of you wish it were so. Sorry for you. Nope. I'm not leaving Hive. I happen to like it around here and there are some good people I plan to stay connected to. The boys, also, have not yet won their pissing contest. tbc
I need to power down until I can buy a laptop and will then resume posting and creating content at the level I aim to try and achieve. I can't do that as things stand and it's not enjoyable to not be able to express myself in the way I'd like.
Also... friends don't let friends use windows. #justsayin Stolen from somewhere on the internet of amazing things
More... something out there is calling me for the next while now. I am curious...
We artists must keep wandering and wondering to feed our souls. It is time for some space, healing and more experience. For me.
But... I (almost) always come back!
So until then... be you.
And don't forget to look inwards so you can be you even better. ❤️ 🐾
It's worth the pain. I promise!
“The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body.The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?”
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
I've been saving this one for this exact moment. Because I love Lou Reed, I love Leonard Cohen and this sound... And I love #ttt and the generosity of spirit of the committed and currently tired 
On we go...
Bonus track dedicated to the Hive-Verse because music. And the amazing Hive-Verse.
Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
Featured image created with Banksy's Girl on a Swing (sourced above) and Salvador Dali's "Metamorphosis of Narcissus": Original source image and information on the artwork
