I wasn’t going to write today because I really feel as though I need a few days to “Be” again, but I think this may benefit some people so I’m drumming this out before I lay low for a bit.
I’m in process myself, after my personal trauma was triggered again over the last few days.
I thought to share my process while I'm "in" it, with the hope it may help someone else who may still be trying to make some sense of how this works as well.
We tend to think past trauma is triggered by a once off incident in the present, but if it is C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress), I’ve personally found that an “emotional flashback” (which is how C-PTSD presents instead of the visual flashbacks of PTSD) builds over a few days.
I’ve done pretty extensive recovery on my trauma, so one trigger is noticeable and quite simple to acknowledge and walk through these days.
Sometimes, however, life happens and presents me with several triggers for the same trauma, over a few days, and this still causes me to “flashback” emotionally at times.
Today I woke up feeling “depressed” again.
If I didn’t know more about what this is and how this works, I may even believe I have depression.
It’s not depression.
This is the “freeze” reaction (from the fight/flight stress reactions) and it’s happened because, over the last few days, multiple situations, content and conversations with specific people in my life converged...
and a primary childhood incident was triggered again.
I know what it is. And I know what to do now. So I’m up. And I’m “in” it to process more of it…
again.
It’s by doing this work that the triggers lessen and lessen over time… until… one day… a person is able to see them as they happen, walk straight through them consciously and without the emotional (and mental) dysregulation the triggers may have caused before the trauma processing was done. 
This is the approach I take with my clients in addiction and mental health recovery.
And it works.
I’m also writing this on #MindfulMonday because, last week, it struck me that we use the term “mindfulness” when the practices we use are, generally, aimed more at “mindlessness”.
Thing is...
I hadn't understood something properly yet.
We use so many practices to empty and still our minds in this busy world. And this is very necessary for sure. To give the mind a chance to rest. Especially when we're bombarded with so much information on a daily basis now.
I read somewhere that a kid in 2022 absorbs more information daily than an adult back in the 50’s would be exposed to in a lifetime. That’s something, huh? So I reckon allowing the mind to “rest” and integrate (or discard) information is vital for a peaceful healthy mind.
So yes.
Mindlessness. It’s a good practice to build into a day. These days.
But, last week, I thought it ironic we call it “mindFULLness” when our practices focus on the opposite and with the opposite goal. I didn’t understand it fully until today though.
Maybe this further understanding came to me today because I noticed this last week.
This is how I’ve found I’ve received answers to my wonderings always. I wonder or ask a question and then a situation unfolds where I’m afforded the opportunity to understand a bit more and, maybe, to even find some answers. For myself, of course.
I don’t profess to have answers for you. I do suggest you feel safe and curious enough to ask questions and to find the answers for yourself. 👍
With the multiple triggers that happened over the last few days, I sat with a familiar feeling last night.
“Nobody believes me” and a feeling of immense isolation and loneliness.
This is an emotional flashback. (C-PTSD - the feelings)
And a PTSD flashback. (visual / thoughts - "Nobody believes me")
We often know where the PTSD part of a flashback comes from, because it's from a once off incident and easy to pin point.
But because C-PTSD happens over time (because of an extended high stress situation) and is created by many "micro-traumas", it's often difficult to pin point why an "emotional flashback" suddenly hits a person.
I've done quite a bit of recovery on this particular trauma, however, and this thought and these feelings made absolute logical sense after the last few days of content, situations and interactions with specific people occurred...
that were "reminders" (triggers) of the original trauma.
A flashback because I know this feeling and I know this thought well.
They have recurred, throughout my life in a variety of situations, because it’s related to a primary incident when I was a child that was never fully addressed until quite recently. Or began to be addressed quite recently.
And this incident, interestingly enough, was almost identically repeated in 2019.
It was quite surreal, in fact, how the situation unfolding mimicked it in almost every way. Or perhaps this is how this all works and it was only then, with the mental clarity and information I had, that I was able to "see" it clearly.
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. - Carl Jung
I know more about what he meant these days and have been trying to write the chapter on trauma for "Perfect" for some weeks now. But I’ve been resisting because (really) I just want to get on with my life and not have to go back over the past.
The thing is…
until I’m totally at peace with going over the past, and am no longer trying to avoid it, I won’t actually be fully healed or recovered.
And situations in the present moment that are similar will trigger the trauma of the past events again…
and so it will go until I’ve fully processed the trauma.
It’s how this all works and it’s unavoidable.
Because I refused to fully acknowledge the triggers unfolding over the last few days...
my fight/flight “freeze” reaction was incorrectly triggered.
The Amygdala misunderstood that the triggers were past events and not a threat to my present survival and it kicked the stress reaction off…
and today I woke up with the freeze reaction. (so called "depression") 
This is how unresolved trauma, triggers and emotional flashbacks work from the perspective of C-PTSD.
The thing is, the brain and the nervous system still respond as though the threat is current because the trauma is unresolved, you see. The brain never processed the event and the information associated with it, stuck it neatly into the correct folders and integrated it correctly.
I think, perhaps, it's time to finish that chapter this week.
The best action to take if you find yourself in the "Freeze Reaction" (so called “depression”) is to allow yourself to feel the anger you were validly meant to feel during the primary trauma but were not “allowed” to.
By tapping into and acknowledging that original anger (just DON’T react on it please!) you should find the freeze reaction shifts and you should make headway into processing whatever event is being triggered more fully.
So with one of my old traumas being triggered over the last few days… I’m about to take a MindFULL Monday.
Because it really hit home that this is what the teachers of the original practices for this really meant.
Today I “got” it.
Or remembered it, perhaps.
Mindfulness isn’t about emptying your mind to find peace, in my thinking now.
It’s about allowing the mind to be “full of all of it”.
It’s about not trying to control the thoughts and the mind. It’s about observing the thoughts and the mind. It’s by doing this, that the mind actually becomes still by the way. That’s where the stillness comes from.
My Buddhist teacher said it’s like walking into a classroom of chattering children. If the teacher just stands there and watches them… eventually they'll notice they’re being watched and quieten down.
I loved this analogy when he shared it with me, because practicing mindfulness in the sense of accepting that the mind is full (of chatter and noise) and not fighting this, but simply observing it…
Somehow makes everything go still.
This post is not about a meditation technique though.
It’s about the fact that, today specifically, the healthiest and most conscious MindfulMonday I could have is to NOT practice anything that may distract me from the flashback I’m currently in.
It’s by being fully aware of all of the memories, thoughts and feelings that I have another opportunity to heal even more.
Once I would have used alcohol or drugs to avoid this.
And I would have used exercise and spirituality after that.
Once I thought I was going "crazy" because I was trying so hard to not see the "truth".
These days I just accept what is happening, even if it is isn’t comfortable or that pleasant. I’ll cry a bit more if I feel that. I’ll stamp around, wish I could break some f*ckin' kneecaps (but WON'T act on it) and fantasize about justice (we may get there yet) if I feel that.
Whatever it is. I'll be in it. I’ll allow it, acknowledge it and accept it for what it is.
I will allow my mind to be full of it.
Because this is my present "truth".
Over time, by doing this, the events from the past will become better understood. They will be grieved. They will be integrated. They will be accepted. And they will lose their intensity.
This is how trauma processing “works”.
This is how proper and lasting recovery “works”.
You know… even just by acknowledging this was a flashback, sharing this (the opposite action of the feeling "I'm so alone") and writing this (processing what has happened)...
I feel fine again.
I know what this was. I know why it happened. And I know there’s nothing wrong with me because it's just the trauma again. I also know it wasn’t my fault. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. And so did everybody else involved.
In case you’re just getting going in your recovery...
There is nothing wrong with you.
And it wasn’t your fault!
Don’t be afraid of the shadows.
You can’t have shadows if you bring it all into the light.
That featured image up there (🖕 ) is a t-shirt design I've been obsessed with making over the last few days, by the way.
This was my mind trying to say, "Hey! Remember that time? Let's have another look at that, shall we?"
And I, of course, have been busy keeping very busy trying to avoid it!
Look what came out anyway.
[edited] I forgot to add the physical consequences and am just slotting them in here.
Chronic upper middle back pain returned at around 6.30pm last night. This began in 2019 during a major flashback (depressive episode lasting over a year and a half) due to the natural physical "slump" from the mental state.
People who have "depression" often find aches and pains come with it. This isn't hey-shoo-wow stuff. This is simply because of the way perception (mental state) affects how we sit and move.
In addition, I had an asthma attack again and had to get up at around 2am to find my inhaler this morning. It's been a while... This is directly linked to the legal case in 2019 when my health totally bottomed out due to the ongoing stress. I stumbled upon emails yesterday in a search for something.
See how this begins to fit together and "work"?
Since Gabor Maté began to share more of his incredible life's work on the mind body connection, it's been studied further. Now directly linked (scientfically) to environment, is childhood asthma for kids exposed to stressed parenting.
Interesting, huh?
What a game changer for proper, holistic healing.
The unconscious can't be avoided, you see.
You can't avoid your own mind.
Things will come to light one way or another.
Better this, I suppose, than "addiction", "anxiety" or "depression". Better this than chronic illness (Yeah, I know. Working on it). Better this, than ranting at government officials and being ignored because I swear too much when I'm triggered. 😁
Also... fuck the government anyway. #justsayin' 💃
And anyone who tells you you're not okay. Okay?
Update: Back pain gone again. Lungs still iffy but am taking a day to ground now. Catch you on the flip-side. ❤️
Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
Featuerd image created by me for a new t-shirt range I'm busy with. Yes. T-shirts again because I love 'em. Please don't use the image for anything or anywhere else. I'm still working on production logistics and the website.
