It just happened again. This time, however, it didn't last for as long as it used to do. And, to be honest, I am glad because I see it as a sign of victory over this subtle yet relentless enemy that has attacked me again and again.
I deliberately used the word 'subtle' to describe this adversary because it always hides behind other emotions, causing the victims's attention to be diverted away from it (even though it is the root) and focus on those other emotions which are only just like the branches of the tree.
For years, I lived and battled with depression, without even knowing that that was the subtle enemy I was dealing with. How do you even begin to win against an enemy you have not identified or unmasked? But the game changed in my favour from the moment I understood that I needed to know the root cause of my too frequent mood swings that seemed to have become a usual part of my identity.
I can remember that even as far back as when I was still below the age of ten, I was often told off for being moody. And if I want to probe further, this all started after I lost my Dad (he had died shortly before I turned eight). Earlier than that, my memories were that of joy and laughter, and not needing to fear or worry about anything.
My father was my hero and the only person I could freely talk to about anything and everything, and he would listen and laugh with me. In fact, the day I learnt that he was no more was a day I was waiting to tell him so many things that had happened in his absence. I waited for the whole day, expecting him to show up any moment so I could tell him the things I couldn't even tell my mother... only to be told he was gone and I won't see him again in this life.
Initially, I didn't know how I felt. But then the anger and sadness came, not directed at anyone in particular, but people around me felt it. And of course, who had time to dig and find out what could have been the reason for this sudden change? Maybe I wouldn't have had to suffer all these years.
All I received was angry scolding, and of course that meant more sadness and anger being bottled up within me, together with the secret prayer that my father should just suddenly show up again. This made me withdraw more and more into my shell. No one knew how many times I cried in the secret while facing the world around me with anger and fake boldness. No one knew how much I hurt inside.
Now, I don't want you to get the impression that I never had happy moments. My close friends know how lively I could be. I could make people laugh and smile. The thing is that it was not possible for anyone to predict how quickly I could switch from being happy to being sad and feeling all alone in the whole world for no 'apparent' reason.
Well, that was true until I began to recognise different situations that were possible triggers, and these were all negative situations. For instance, when I needed to meet a deadline for fees payment or some other important things. Also, any situation that brings fear and anxiety oftentimes tend to throw me into this pit.
No one wants to live a sad and depressed life. Nothing productive can be done by someone who is depressed. Depression weakens the victims and erodes their confidence, making them wallow in self-pity believing that everyone and everything is against them. This is actually where the battle is worn or lost.
What has helped me greatly in my personal battle against depression is the help of God, for it was God that made me understand the seriousness of what I was experiencing and I had to cry to Him for help.
From the word of God, I realized how loved and valued I am in His sight. Drawing from this, I pray and affirm what the word of God says about me. I meditate on the word of God, and practice gratitude for everything and in every situation. Now, that isn't easy, you know!
My confidence has increased, and I look for ways to make myself happy without waiting for another person. I listen to music that soothes and uplifts my mind. Most importantly, I am becoming more mindful of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I have shared my story in this post but the truth is that a lot of people are going through similar or even worse experiences. This means that we all have to be more sensitive to people around us so that we do not say or do things that will push them further into depression. You never know the deep stuff someone is dealing with.
Thank you for reading. This is my response to Day 6 prompt of the #octoberinleo challenge. The images used in this post are free-to-use images from pixabay.com.
Thank you once again.
