I have always been quite poor at managing my time efficiently. I have known people to plan every moment of their days out well in advance, knowing precisely where they will be at what time, and what they will be doing during certain windows of time. This knowledge of routine and commitment to it being nothing to them, if anything it provides structure to them to the point where if they don't plan things out extensively, then their life falls out of balance. I have never really been like that, in fact, I would say I sit on the total other side of the time management spectrum, where nothing is ever really planned out, and I never really know what I will do in an hour let alone the following day. It is rare that I will have definite plans, and often enough I find myself roaming through the days doing things I totally did not expect, but just shrug off and allow to happen. This can be sudden long walks or ventures into the new places, or visiting someone.
Though I have been very much aware of this lack of structure in my life, growing incredibly used to it and somewhat relying on it to keep things as peaceful as possible. To some degree I find that it can be a blessing to have so few struggles in life, letting things sort of just take their course to the point where each day I can pretty much do as I please. But that lack of structure means it takes a stupid amount of strength to ensure large amounts of free time actually go utilised. It was not until I started to learn to draw that I realised how much time I really waste. I would find myself sitting still, procrastinating and browsing through the Internet with a somewhat blank piece of paper before me. I would find myself looking at the time and noticing that I should get into bed, only thinking just a few moments ago it was morning, still with very little on that paper to show for the hours that went by. I would tell myself that it was okay, perhaps today was not meant to be, and that there was always tomorrow. Tomorrow came, and the same excuse would be given.
Despite heavy procrastination, I am very much aware of how bad it can be. Especially these days where so many meaningless things compete for minutes of our attention to boost engagement metrics. I have notifications off on every app for my phone, yet sometimes one breaks through the wall and tries to convince me that I need to open it. Sometimes I fall victim to it and quickly notice that I gain absolutely nothing from mindlessly scrolling. I ask myself why I am doing this. I find my heart fillign with the deep existential dread that quickly follows as I come to the realisation of time alive wasted, that if I continue, I will never get that time spent back. That it could have been spent elsewhere on something that I feel does give me some sort of meaning and satisfaction. That something like social media is an evil formed to harvest life from my soul and offer nothing in return.
Yesterday I wrote something here on Hive regarding my fear of the blank page. The very real blank page and metaphorical one that makes us doubt our abilities, leading to inaction and that page forever remaining blank, leading to unexplored areas of life and less opportunity as a result. That the idea of the blank page provides comfort, but that comfort is really a dagger plunging deep into your throat, suffocating you and leading to a life unlived. I find it interesting that we all face this issue in life, whether it's in relation to something like a career, relationships, or just hobbies. Our complex minds want such instant satisfaction that we fail to make the initial jump even when we know that the first few steps are all that are needed to end up in a better place. This counterproductive mentality leads to those evenings where you get into bed with the epiphany that you probably should have taken those initial steps, and then question why you didn't. Of course that familiar excuse of there being tomorrow creeps on in.
As digital devices do continue to take the reign over our lifes, it grows harder and harder to escape those things. Much of the hobbies we have are now digital in some aspect, and everything we aim to escape from remains right in front of us, ready to lead us into temptation. Funnily, even this very post is some procrastination as I found myself struggling to pay attention to drawing today. Though in general, I do feel I am quite good at mostly blocking out social media. I don't endlessly scroll through reels or whatever political nonsense is making people angry over on Twitter. But I do find myself searching for something to fill the void. For the longest time I used video games and television shows/films to fill that void, to the point where I did come to that realisation that I wasn't really enjoying it all, and that I used it to fill in time that would otherwise be spent doing nothing, failing to make the initial steps. That isn't really the case so much these days, I find I watch things less and only when I feel like I actually want to do so. Video games fail to interest me at all these days and have pretty much been abandoned.
I know that the fight to better utilise the ways in which I spend my time will never end. Regardless of how much we prepare for the future, things take place that we can't quite control, and we can't always focus on the things we want to. Life does get in the way. But in my case I find myself noticing that it isn't necessarily life getting in my way, it's my own mind failing to take initiative. I am getting better at utilising my time a bit better, but I still know I could do more. I have noticed I am also more observant and noticing how others don't utilise their time so well, leading to me realising that I should avoid being like those people if I really want to explore the many directions life offers. Some people are content with coming home from work and just watching television, making excuses as to why they can't go somewhere or do something. I even find myself taking more initiative as a result of seeing how others act; I go to cafes or restaurants and see people glued to their phones, with a person with stories and ideas and thoughts to share sitting opposite them, in the exact same state. I know at this point that I never want to be like that. To me, seeking adventure is what makes life worth living. And I hate the idea of things getting in the way of it, particularly when it's my own mindset keeping me from growing.
