Rating: Negative 5/5
AKA: Danzig Turns On the Turn Off
Watch Here: [Psych! Don't watch this shit]
"First I want to fuck you in the ass - then I want to hear your neck snap" - Actual Dialogue from the Film More or Less
I have seen the future of horror, and it's name is not Glenn Danzig - Let me be clear, we do not hate Danzig. During workout sessions with Prince Pectorals we have listened to many of old school Misfits tunes & works of which Danzig was apart of. As a film maker he fucking blows.
It's like I can see it all now, he saw Dee Snyder and Rob Zombie churning out movies (still waiting on Strangeland 2 Dee, you fucking promised) and was like "What about me, What about Danzig?!"
The film is horror anthology, I assume it has some relation to the Verotika comic? Look we don't like shitting on peoples work,unless its that dick that made Jason Goes to Hell or Jessica Biel or a few others. We also know that making movies is fucking tough, or any artistic endeavor for that matter. So we won't really be knocking Danzig or any of the cast or crew. ;)
BUT THIS MOVIE FUCKING BLOWS - There may be titties, but you won't be getting stiffy one here. Schlong Long is still experiencing ED from seeing this shit. Nothing works here, be it blood, gore or organic FX, it just makes you wish you were watching a film that actually utilizes these traditional horror tropes successfully.
This "FILM" is setup as a horror anthology which tells 3 very different tales. Here is a brief summary of each episode with their titles.
Listen I nor anyone here is watching this again, we can't remember the exact name of these titles, so if you choose to see this shit, then you'll know which episode we're talking about.
1 - Eyeball Titties & The Spider Rapist
So this is basically about a woman who has eyeballs for nipples, and cant seem to land a cute guy because of it. Literally emotionally cock blocked, this young lady begins to cry. I think it's breast milk tears from her tits...(I cant remember were not watching it again EVER) anyway those "tears" land on spider. It mutates the spider in to a Goro-esque creature and begins raping and snapping necks while the eyeball titties lady is asleep.
So basically think Freddy Krueger, but Spider Goror goes out and kills other people when you fall asleep....its stupid - Eyeball Titties decides this "has to stop" OD's on some pills and this allows French police to shoot the butt pump strangler.
THE END
2 - Female Leatherface Does Stripping
Some goofy looking chick cuts off peoples faces...I guess wears them? She kinda just hangs them up on her wall.
They call her Mystery Girl at the bar she strips at....I mean yeah what the fuck ever.
Anyway some cop, Sgt Anderson Fuckface (his words not ours) figures out who is taking all these girls faces. He comes to this conclusion after after realizing all 13 or so incidents are related by the victims missing their faces. (ground breaking and realistic detective work)
Anderson confronts Leathercunt and in a very "tense" chase, gets his face sliced off, but not before shooting Mystery Girl who gets a way. Ending with her dancing on a pole at her new club.
THE END
OHHH FUCKING wait! Sean Waltman AKA X-PAC is like the ticket booth guy for the strip club, that's kinda cool I guess.
3 - Bitch Bathes in Blood for 30 Minutes, Looks like A Music Video that Doesn't Have Any Metal Music to Accompany It.
This is the final episode and lemme tell ya pals.....it's bad. First thing you will notice is that the bitch is dressed like Bavmorda from Willow.
She stays in this getup the entire episode, even while bathing in aforementioned blood. It's a lot of bring her to me, the "virgins, the blood, my youth, do I not look younger?" type stuff.
This is followed by staring and making poses in the mirror over and over again, then we get some misty scenery and some chasing, some be-headings more blood bathing, a wolf gets fed...more blood bathing. Head dismemberment, THE END.
I am truly fucking baffled that this didn't have Anglefuck (by misfits) or some other song playing in the background on repeat or atleast a metal playlist featuring the likes of Peter "Big Dick" Steele.
I also believe Peter is rolling in his grave at just how much this film is a missed opportunity.
Peter Steele would have made a good movie or at least a decent porno, both of which would be more enjoyable than this.
We get a send off by who I assume is the Verotika chick, as during the movie she's been "acting" like a street trash version of the crypt keeper. Oh and shes bathing in blood here at the end as well. SMFH!!!!!!!
THE END
FINAL WORD -
MR.HELLBOX - FUCK THIS MOVIE - I don't care how accurate they have depicted strippers grinding and having fake titties - This is an insult to horror fans, and seems to be more of a fetish fap film for it's creator...not that I'm judging, fetish can find it's way in many films, but goddamn this is overkill.
Danzig is 65 and I'm not for sure, but maybe he needs an hour and a half film to get his kung pow chicken going these days, and that's why he made Verotika....Either way if you wanna see it...go for it...shit like this doesn't get made anymore and for good reason. LET NO ONE FOOL YOU - it is not funny bad, its not event train-wreck bad....it's just fucking bad. Negative 5/5
Drunken Master - Help Me - ?
Prince Pectorals - I don't get how the 5'3 monster of a musician could fail so miserably at this. I can't even work out now, all motivation is lost...fuck you Verotika - Negative 5/5
DANZIG - ALL OF YOU SHUT UP! This is a good movie! When I was directing I would constantly shout out "More Girls! More Blood! I'm Danzig!" If you thought eyeball titties were ground breaking, wait until you see the girl with 2 noses on her ass cheeks in the sequel! I'm Danzig! COLD-BURNING-STEEEEEL! - 10/10 (Not Really Danzig in case he sues)
