Rating: 3/5
AKA: We’ll Be Fine, There’s Safety In Numbers
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SOURCES AT THE BOTTOM
SPOILERS
Gather round while I spin you up a yarn about crazy kook Jeubal Fischmann (that’s the dudes name for serious homie)
Hold up where you going? Yo, we also got passed their prime, middled aged Brinke Stevens here too!
Hey WTF ok, on the real I wasn’t going to say this, but Bobby Mackey sings a baller song and it’s literally the best godamn campfire song you ever did hear, now sit down!
"That Ain't No Hogwash!"
Blood Reaper (2004)
A ton of teenagers (seriously we lost count) decide to go rafting, camping and banging for the weekend out in the country. Well, as if no one saw this coming, the kids run a foul, most wicked, upon the stalking ground of The Blood Reaper (Jeubal Fischmann) and get carved up one by one until the thrilling conclusion.
It doesn't get more stock with the plot than this. Blood Reaper is from that special era in horror when everyone basically said fuck it, were shooting on DVR/Video. Along with that, another trend was created, "Yo who can we get for a discount to spice up this bitch?"
Reasoning for this was 2 fold. First, for horror films it was getting harder to find investors if you were an independent filmmaker coming out of the 90s. Preceeding that, the investor pool tended to be straight to VHS (i.e. Phantasm 3 though that was a solid effort) So you needed to be as cheap on prouction as possible to even get something produced.
Secondly, because of the cheapness involved, you needed something to catch the eye of your target audience. That way, when they were browsing at the video store or online, they could quickly see "Hey! Brinke Stevens is in this, well she was in Slumber Party Massacre that was cool!" and hope to fuck they buy it.
"I am the law out here!"
I want to reiterate, this is a pretty decent but basic outing. You get a funky boss ass song from country singer Bobby Mackey, and some pleasently orchestrated kills. Not going to lie, this is the kind of movie you put on for a rainy weekend day when no beer pong is to be had, and your cousin hasn't brought back your Sega Genesis yet.
-FINAL WORD-
MRHELLBOX – Only in this fucking movie can someone try to convince teens that a deranged killer really does exist by singing them a song. Like that was the ulitmate proof given by Bobby Mackey and funny as hell to hear him do his best job in putting over this movie. A+ effort from everyone involved, at least they tried.
One of the best cliches in horror is how far ahead of the killer you can be, and then boom he catches up. Well Jeubal here is mad slow but can seemingly teleport at will to any location (From the looks of it, by striking his Rambo knife against a big rock)- 3/5
DRUNKEN MASTER – Much worse shit out there for sure! I enjoyed all of the drinkng to be had here. They knew how to fucking camp hands down. By the by, tell that mother fucker to bring back the Genesis so I can smash ass in Herzog Zwei! - 3/5
SCHLONG LONG – Let me tell you about this one chick in this movie. The flattest ass, the carpenters chest, and hair like a broom had sex with a bag of cotton balls. You'll know her when you see her, she straight up made me go out and order a bottle of that "Hims", and those just gave me the shits and a dead wang. - 3/5
PRINCE PECTORALS – I was just thinking that maybe an all protein diet isn't the way to go. Been reading a lot of Mike Mentzer who made a great argument regarding the percentages of carbohyrdrates would need to get higher than that of you protein or fat in take, while staying on par with the needed caloric intake for your macros.
Speaking of fat, I aint ashamed to admit I'd uncoil like the illustrious rattler on that one thick chick in this flick. - 3/5
Sources
Special Shout out to: @TheMJCinem on Twitter for suggesting this film, give them a follow pleb. https://twitter.com/TheMJCinema
