Really appreciate all the help and votes that have been sent my way over the last couple weeks. Thanks for putting up with all my attempts to find posts that keep peoples attention. This last week has been very hard, we had to replace a major component on our only car, and then found out that my wife may owe hundreds back to the government here. This from a program that is supposed to help out the financially struggling.
My son and I took a beautiful bike trip today to try to keep my mind off things. My phone was too run down to take any photos, and I forgot to make some content for the blog. If I wasn't having near panic attack levels of anxiety I would be able to plan these things out ahead of time with much less difficulty.
One of the worst thing about having anxiety is that it overruns my mind with panic inducing thoughts, and the constructive and positive ones are crowded out. I couldn't write a cover letter this morning because it would read like this: "Self destructive narcissist with a need for short term self serving employment would like to leech off your business and make a toxic work environment. Do you need a short tempered ex paramedic with social anxiety and distrust of authority? I can help your employee's form a deep seated mistrust for the state, economic slavery and a conspiratorial world view. I'm also triggered by figures in positions of false authority and I'm unsure if I can restrain my urges for physical violence towards said figures. If you need help destroying yourself from within, please contact me at your earliest convenience, I'm your agent for change!"
I was brought up to hold back inconvenient truths, it was maybe one of the most damaging things ever done to my psyche, I have so much repressed anger that some days I just drown in it. If you don't express yourself when it matters, you can never get it off your chest again. You just get to rehash pivotal moments with uncaring phantoms getting no closer to a healthy happy place in life. All I cared about growing up was having people like me, now very few like me for all my "trying". I let myself get taken to this place, holding back how I really felt this whole time.
So anyways if you're still reading this, thanks again. I was hoping I could bring some humor to this post but I feel like this is getting darker and darker with each paragraph. I'm very grateful to have a space where I can share my thoughts with, not having it filtered out of all of your feeds like on FB. The weather is improving here and soon I'll have lots of exciting things happening in the garden to share. It may be wishful thinking but I hope there may also be an improvement in my mental life as well!
