I had a anxious melt down in class this week. I did not plan to write a post about this, it felt too personal, but since raising awareness and fighting stigmatization of mental health issues is important to me (and I feel that opening up about your problems is the best way to do this) I decided to live up to my own ideals and share what happened with anyone who wants to read about it. I know that I am not the only person experiencing this, and I write this post in the hopes that someone will find comfort in my words.
For those of you who do not know me, my name is Mia and I come from Finland where I major in psychology. I have always had a dream of studying theater arts and about one month ago I moved to Long Beach, California to pursue that dream and complete a minor in acting. Even though I was extremely excited about the exchange I also had some fears and insecurities, which I wrote about in this post - Anxiety when life is about to change - and how I deal with it - about one week before I moving here.
I have been meaning to write a update on how I have been able to deal with my fears since I moved here, but everything has been going so well that I did not really feel the need to write it. However, two days ago was the first time I really experienced some anxiety again since moving here and after processing the experience for a while I decided to write a post about it. But before I tell you about what happened on Monday I will take you back to about five weeks ago, so that you can catch up on how I have been doing since I left Finland.
Two days before my flight I had a panic attack. Just a few days earlier I had written the post stating that more than four months had passed since my last panic attack and I had almost forgotten what it felt like to experience one. I had been spending the evening at my friends house, eating tortillas and catching up one last time before leaving, and in the car on my way home (my boyfriend was driving) it suddenly hit me - I was really leaving.
It is a strange feeling, having a panic attack. Everyone experiences them in a different way, for me it starts with a feeling of numbness in my fingers and tension in my forearms - like if my muscles were contracting against my will. Then the numbness spreads to my hands and sometimes also my feet and my mind starts to race. First time it happened I let into my mind but I have since then learned how to stay calm through focusing on my breathing and knowing it will be over soon. After a while the panic goes away and my body starts shaking as a way to release the stress and calm down.
Ever since I had my first panic attack I have known what they are and how to deal with them and experiencing one just before leaving did not feel as bad as many of you might think it would have. It helped me realize that I know what to do in case I have a panic attack and I know that I can control it. I have not had another panic attack since then.
Since I arrived in Long Beach I have not experienced hardly any anxiety. I think that the main reason for this is that I have been so busy with everything new happening around me that I have had no time to overthink or worry. My anxieties multiply when I am bored, when there is nothing that turns my attention from overthinking, so constantly having things to do and experiencing new impressions has kept my mind from wandering off into worrying and rumination.
Another reason is that I love my studies. My teachers are exceptional and we have been talking a lot about topics relating to anxiety and self-criticism so it has almost felt like attending group therapy. My classmates and my roommates are also immensely open-minded, understanding and supportive so I have felt truly welcomed into my new hometown and my new university.
Yet one reason that I have had less anxiety is that I feel more true to myself, I am rediscovering my old passions and getting closer to achieving my goals in life. Do not get me wrong, I love studying psychology it is a fascinating subject and of great importance for fulfilling the dreams I have for my future. But I have never been good with lectures and reading, and that is what studying psychology is mostly about. To be thriving I need to be able to move around, explore and create - and at the department of theater arts that is all we do. I have so much more energy being here and I have regained my love not only for acting, but also for drawing, singing and dancing. I have even rediscovered a love for reading, now that I no longer have to read thousands of pages for my studies.
But even though most of my fears and anxieties have been steadily decreasing there is still one that I struggle with. Performance Anxiety.
Before I can tell you about the anxious melt down I had when holding a presentation in class I have to tell you something else that I have not really told that many people before, well not until yesterday at least. In late spring I talked to a doctor about my performance anxiety and the other things that made me anxious about moving to Long Beach. She prescribed me a beta-blocker for my performance anxiety and since I have heard good things about them and know that they are not dangerous or addictive I decided to give them a try.
Beta-blockers are a type of medication commonly used to treat high blood pressure. They work by blocking the hormone epinephrine, more commonly known as adrenaline, which is why they are so effective in treating performance anxiety.
The reason that I have not talked about this before is not that I am ashamed of having a medication, it is just that I have not used them before this past month and I have not really felt the need to talk about it.
I have been taking the beta-blocker a few times since I started studying acting, I tried them the first two days of studies just because I did not know what to expect of acting class and I nervous enough as it was with out having to act. I also took them a couple of times when I knew I had to be the center of attention in a class, e.g. when I was holding a presentation about my passion.
The beta-blocker really helped me with the performance anxiety - my hands do not start shaking and my heart does not start pounding as loud if I take them. My goal however is to overcome my performance anxiety and be able to perform without the beta-blocker, and on Monday I decided to give it a shot.
Our instructions for the presentation was to bring a talisman (a object of high emotional value) with us to class and share its story, how it came into our possession and what it means to us, with the class. I only brought one item of emotional value with me when I moved here from Finland, a blue dog with striped socks that I got as a gift in junior high school from my best friends and that I found in a closet two years ago and decided to bring to my apartment. The dog has a lot of emotional significance to me, it reminds me of my friends and my boyfriend and it has also helped me some nights when I have felt anxious, sad or alone.
The presentation only had to be a few minutes long and I thought that since I just had to talk freely about something I know really well it could not be that bad - and I decided not to take the beta-blocker.
Oh boy was I wrong!
When it was my turn I stood up, went to pick up my bag, sat back in the circle where we were sitting and pulled out the dog. I heard a "aaaawww" from the audience and started talking, but at that point my heart began to pound. It was beating faster and faster and I tried to ignore it at first but then I noticed my hands shaking really bad and I had a black out. I began feeling really uncomfortable knowing that everyone could see me being this nervous, and I thought that they were probably wondering why I was so nervous now when I had not been as nervous on the previous presentations. I guess no one was actually thinking about that, but I still felt like I had to explain it so I began talking about my anxiety, my panic attacks, my beta-blockers - and how I had not taken them today. I had not planned to say almost any of these things but at that point I did not really have any control about what I was saying anymore, I was just rambling up anything that came into mind, and I am quite sure that my presentation did not make a lot of sense to the people that were listening. All I could think about was how hard my heart was pounding, how much my hands were shaking and how stupid I must seem for being nervous about a two minute presentation talking about a stuffed animal. I just wanted it to be over.
After the presentation our teacher asked everyone to close their eyes and think about the presentations we had witnessed today, a routine we always do after presentations, but I did not listen to what he was saying. I was so disappointed and angry with myself, my hands were still shaking and I could feel my eyes tearing up. "Perfect, you just embarrassed yourself in front of the whole class - AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO CRY?" I thought as I felt the tears falling down my cheeks and I desperately tried to wipe them off before everyone would open their eyes again. As you are probably guessing that did not work out very well, so I starred into the ground as i opened my eyes. For a second I glimpsed across the room and saw one of my classmates looking at me with a really supportive smile, but I just looked back into the ground - I did not want anyone to see me this way.
I had another lecture immediately after the first one finished, but luckily we were laying on the floor all class (yep, it is acting class) so I did not have to look at anyone and I could take the time to calm down. After the lecture I went to talk to the teacher of the class in which I had held the presentation just to be able to discuss and process what had happened. The teacher was extremely supportive saying that he has a lot of actor friends who have been struggling with performance anxiety and that he would ask them for any suggestions on how to deal with the anxiety. He also told me that he appreciates my ambition to overcome my performance anxiety and that I can come and talk to him if it feels like the class is getting too overwhelming. I am really thankful for the way he handled the situation and I felt a lot better after having talked to him.
I also talked to my classmates about my anxiety on a group chat that we have, and they very understanding and supportive as well.
I was wondering why this presentation made me so extremely anxious and realized that it was because I made myself really vulnerable when talking about such a emotionally important object in front of the class. I also tried to talk without learning by heart the things that I wanted to say, which made it a lot harder for me to continue once I got distracted by my nerves. The fact that I felt like the presentation was supposed to be easy did not help either, since it only made me more self-conscious about getting nervous.
I have been thinking about the incident a lot and I realized that I am actually quite glad that it happened. I am glad that I told the whole class about my performance anxiety and that they could see what it is like when I experience it. It feels good to be completely honest and to know that I am not trying to hide a problem that I have to face daily.
Even though the melt down felt terrible when it happened I am not ashamed or discouraged, I will continue to fight and one day I will be able to conquer this fear as well. And I realized that my fears and anxieties do not make me a coward, instead I feel courageous for standing up tall and facing them.
RISK.
FAIL.
RISK AGAIN.
Thank you for reading!
mialinnea
