I guess I'm waiting for the rain

Those who know me, those who I call friends, know very well I'm an optimist. They know that as much as I struggle with depressive thoughts like anyone else out there, I actively fight them, and I do that every single day. The truth is that I've been here before, I've been standing in the middle of a desert wondering if I'm going to make it long enough to see rain while the sun is just burning me.

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I don't like complaining, not really, and I find very little value in doing so. I mean, no matter where you stand in life, in any aspect really, financial, emotional, or what have you; Every single one of us is standing in some sort of desert looking up to the scorching merciless sun.

I know it's not about fairness, it's not even about balance as much as I can subscribe to ideas of necessary contrasts to even understand, to grasp appreciation. I get all that, I'm not confused, but my skin is beginning to burn a little too much, and keeping the smiles happening, is a big burden.

My plea, my little battle is my own, and I'm fully aware there is nothing someone could do or say to make it magically disappear, I know that. But, screw it, I'm tired, I feel like screaming to the winds, and dammit I wish this sun would stop burning the skin of my back or at least that a big cloud would at least cover it's rays if only for a little while.

Funny thing is that tomorrow this could all change, tomorrow I could wake up and not have to worry about the next house payment or the one after that. Tomorrow It could be the day I tell all the debt collectors who blow up a phone that my brother is helping me keep active, that I do want to settle things, that I am ready to negotiate.... But today, today the sun is burning the skin off my back.

I often think of how many people gave up mere seconds before the rain started. How many people threw in the towel and lost the bout only because their will was lacking. Not because of talent, not because of misguided purpose, none of the obvious things, no.

I get so consumed by these thoughts that I even look for that version of me in a mirror, I want to make sure his reflection is not there, I don't want to be part of that group, the ones who gave up.... But today, the sun is just burning my back... and dammit... it hurts...