The past month or so has been pretty shitty. Not for any particular reason but I've just been feeling down (as you would know from previous posts). Although I've been feeling unhappy a lot of the time I've actually done quite a lot. I brought a new car last week, for the past 2 years I've been driving around in an old shitty Toyota Corolla, with wind down windows and paint peeling off. It was really embarrassing to drive and so I decided to finally treat myself and get a new car. I had to get a loan of course, but it's definitely worth it. My new car is a 2005 Nissan X-Trail and it's perfect. It's got space in the boot for my dogs and I feel so much higher up when I drive!!
Even though I wanted to be happy there was always this feeling of unhappiness, and unfortunately it ruined that 'new car feeling.' I tried not to let it affect me but it was too hard.
Not to mention I'm going to England in November and I should be excited about it. Instead, I'm worried. I'm worried that because I've put on weight I'm going to be that 'fat friend' even though I've always felt that way. I'm worried about the judgement when family and old friends ask me what I've been doing with myself these last few years. I have nothing to show for it. Other people my age are at University and striving to be someone great, and then there's me who feels as if she's never going anywhere. I hate that I'm like this and I hate that I constantly put myself down but I just can't help it.
I'm overly stressed about money and am having to be such a tight arse. Since I'm trying to lose weight the only thing I can afford to eat is weight loss shakes. I'm surviving off of them and yet I haven't lost an inch in 5 weeks, what's wrong with me?
The only thing actually keeping me sane and not letting me go into a downwards spiral is writing. I don't get a lot of time to write but when I do it allows me to vent, to say what I've been wanting to say. I don't have many people to talk to as all of my friends are half way across the world. Blogging makes me feel like I'm talking to someone and just for a moment I'm not so alone. I think we all feel alone sometimes and the important thing is learning how to deal with it. I've said it before but loneliness is a silent killer and nobody should ever feel like they're completely alone.
I apologise for my ranting these last few days but that's what my blog is all about. I'm really hoping I can find some time to start writing fiction again as I feel like that's where I really thrive. Plus I enjoy it like crazy! There's always this little bit of hope in the back of my mind that maybe one day it'll be my name printed on a novel, sitting in a book store. I can dream and dream about it until I'm too old to write or I can help make my dream come true. I'm thinking sooner rather than later, wouldn't you agree?
Until next time,
Meliss
