"I simply want to give".
I've been there. I have done that. It only works to a certain degree. In a world where a lot seems to be about one's own profit, the act of selfless contribution in any sense appears to be a well needed blow of fresh air. There is however a significant downside.
A friend of mine spend around a month on a greek island where the refugees coming from the war in Syria arrived first. Seemingly endless masses of people where given first aid. My friend is one of those people who have a strong desire to serve, to display love and kindness in every moment. It can be beautiful. Only the act itself can be massively rewarding. Especially in an extreme situation like the one mentioned in connection with the war in Syria, you can help where help is needed the most.
She could only take it for one month. Then she was burnt out. So she left to an Ashram in India. Why didn't she stay?
Most of us are not meant to live a life of complete self-sacrifice like Mother Teresa did for example. Only very few get enough nurture for their own soul through a daily, uncompromised act of self-sacrifice. The vast majority of people need a balance between serving others and "Me-Time". But more importantly, the act of giving in an unconditional way can even be counterproductive! Let's elaborate.
The reason why I and many others do what we do, is because of the positive impact we want to make in the world. My mission is to help people to empower themselves. It's like raising children. A parent you always gives unconditionally to its children, fucks them up. Pardon my french. But it's the way it is. In the first years of a child's life the nurture that comes from the constant display of unconditional care and love is crucial to the child's ability to love him- or herself. It lays the foundation for the emotional stability. But once the foundation is laid, it's time to learn another lesson: boundaries.
To set boundaries is pivotal to any healthy relationship. I learnt it the hard it recent times when I failed not only to set clear boundaries, but then to act upon other's transgression of the boundaries. I made exception after exception just to realize that I had lost my own integrity. I lost a lot of money. And I lost a friend. I had to go through this experience to learn the lesson to set clear boundaries and to enforce the consequences once the boundaries are crossed. I won't forget this lesson. And I make no more exceptions. It's not only for my own sake, but also to ensure a successful path of personal growth for the lives I touch.
"What are you talking about specifically? It's all quite theoretical and vague", you might say. And you would be right. And herein lies the beauty of it all. It is YOU who determines the boundaries and it is YOU who determines the consequences when the boundaries are crossed.
To say NO can come from a place of love as much as a YES can. It's called tough love. Tough love means to say NO when you know restriction serves someone's long-term and long-lasting happiness more than the instant quick fix that a YES provides. It can be tough for the one who receives the NO, but also for the one who says NO. I can be excruciating for a loving mother to deny that super-amazing second toy to his 5-year-old son, to look into these sparkling eyes and, for that instance, be the one who crushes his dream. In this hypothetical scenario she had told him that he would only get one toy for Christmas and he already received it. To make an exception would mean that neither the mother respects the rules she installed herself nor need they be respected by his son. This would set the premiss to all further negotiations - and yes, they are negotiations - between mother and son. And it wouldn't be good for either of them.
Sometimes you need to risk being called an asshole. Albeit in the workplace, in your private life with your partner or with your own family. It can be just the right thing for your sanity and possibly just the right incentive for theirs.
Making an exception in many cases means the loss of one's own integrity. If you want to lead a good life, loosing your integrity means disaster. Integrity is maybe THE KEY INGREDIENT for happiness and success in life. No integrity, no happiness. No integrity, no success. No integrity, no respect.
And once again, there is no simple template that works in every situation. To give money to a begging friend might be the exact right thing to do to further his quality of life. It might give him the desperately needed display of care to turn his life around. It might also be counterproductive because it could signal: "You don't need to change things yourself, others will provide for you", which then could make him more dependent on others giving him even more the feeling of powerlessness and unworthiness. Just as an example.
Ask yourself: What boundaries can I set to give myself more space?
What boundaries can I set to indicate my highest values?
What boundaries can I set to further other's responsibility and integrity?
