Thursdays With Uncle Boom #24

I was having a small brandy in my sitting room when the maid knocked and stuck her head in the door.

Beggin yer pardon milord. There is a lady here to see yer?

A lady?

Yes milord.

Are you sure? You could put a crocodile in a dress and next to you it would look like a lady.

Quite sure milord. She is very proper.

Let her in then you lard-lipped miscreant.

I stood and faced the mantel, adjusting my collar. A lady eh! Here's hoping it wasn't Lady Fotheringham with her ravenous vaginations. The door opened. In sashayed an exceptionally beautiful woman dressed in black from head to toe. She made a very small curtsey.

Uncle Boom.

She purred in a French accent.

Mademoiselle.

I took her proffered hand and gave a small gentlemanly bow. I quickly sat lest she noticed my sudden erection and bade her to sit in the chair opposite me.

Please, my name is Liselle.

Well Liselle. How may I be of assistance?

She let out a gasping sob and dabbed a grubby handkerchief to a finely mascara'd eye.

It's my husband Monsieur, I am afraid he has been murdered!

On the way to the good lady Liselle's home, she told me the story. It seemed that her husband, Culbert had retired to his study the night before and in the morning when one of the maids had tried to enter they had found it locked. Culbert was not responding to any of their shouts to be let in. The police had been summoned and broken the door down.

My poor Cul, there he was sitting at his desk, head all bashed in and a hammer in his hand.

Sobbed the Lady Liselle.

What makes you think it was murder my dear?

I asked as the car pulled up at her abode.

Liselle looked at me as if I had wiped my arse with her cat.

Mr Boom, I am not aware of any man that can beat his own brains out with a hammer, are you?

I had a good think. She may have had a point, there weren't that many.

We walked down the driveway to the front of the house. There were a couple of Constables from the local Police station milling about smoking cheap looking cigarettes. I spied the Chief Inspector, Barty, talking to another Constable just inside the doorway. The Chief was an old friend from the Club, a good fellow despite having a face like a badger's foreskin. I advised Liselle I would be back in a second.

Barty!

Boomy!

We had a quick gentleman's hug and slapped each other on the back enthusiastically. Thankfully my erection from being in the presence of the lovely Liselle had abated slightly.

A sorry situation this eh? Poor bugger was obviously feeling the pinch and decided to end it all.

Exclaimed Barty.

It isn't the way I would like to go and that's for sure, how many times did he hit himself with the hammer?

The Constable beside Barty groaned and shook his head in exasperation. Barty shot him a sharp glance.

The coroner thinks he managed to wallop himself 12 times. A dozen! One of his eyes popped out he hit himself so hard. The coroner thinks that would have been about the third or fourth blow.

We both shook our heads at the folly of it all. There were more gentlemanly ways to do oneself in. This method simply had no decorum. The constable beside Barty took advantage of our momentary silence. He stuck his hand out as if to shake mine.

SIr, I have been trying to explain to my superior that it is just not possible to kill yourself in this fashion. I suspect there is foul play at work.

I looked at his hand in puzzlement.

What is this jumped up prick's name?

I enquired of Barty.

Oh never mind Paxman, Boomy. Bloody new on the job, he's not used to this detectivity that we do. Although this idiotic idea of foul play is exactly what the Lady Liselle was squawking about earlier! Oh and here she is!

The Lady Liselle had come over to join us. She was dabbing at one of her pretty eyes with her handkerchief again. It was a little stained. Like the gentleman I am, I gently took it from her and offered one of my own fine silken ones for her to use.

Chief Inspector, have you gotten anywhere with finding out who hammered my Cul, my darling Cul, all beaten and pounded till unrecognisable!

Madame, how could anyone have gotten into his study? it was locked. Therefore, it must have been suicide!

Barty declared smugly.

But, but, it cannot be suicide?! I mean you cannot let a murder go unpunished. Someone must be found? Someone, Anyone?? He has banged my poor Cul to death. What am I to do. I am a widow now! The insurance won't pay for a suicide...

The young constable Paxman butted in.

Madame, I believe you. I will not rest until the murderer of your dear husband is found!

His eyes shone. He seemed to be quite taken with the beautiful Lady Liselle. I looked at Liselle and saw her eyes gleam with gratitude and... something else? I raised my cane and pointed it at Constable Paxman.

Alright Prickman, if you are so clever. Tell us how you would commit such a crime?

Constable Paxman beamed and stepped forward.

Well it just simply is not that difficult. According to the maid, the hammer was kept in a toolbox under the stairs and there was a spare key to the study hanging in the Kitchen. Is that true Lady Liselle?

She sniffed in grief and nodded. Constable Paxman continued.

So it is a simple case of the murderer waiting till everyone is asleep then sneaking into the Kitchen, taking the key, getting a hammer from the toolbox under the stairs and then unlocking the study door...

He puffed up his chest proudly as he got into the swing of his story, the other two Constables had drifted over and were listening avidly.

Therein lay the good lady's Cul, asleep in his chair. The murderer would have stepped forward and BAM, BAM, BAM!!

Everyone jumped as the Constable made his BAM noises and mimed a hammer being swung down.

Then, he would place the hammer in the victim's hand, retrace his steps, locking the door and placing the key back in the Kitchen.

The Constable Paxman swept his hand out in a majestic flourish.

And that my esteemed colleagues is how I would do it! Urrk!

I whacked Constable Paxman to the floor with a stout swipe from my cane. I nodded grimly at Barty.

You heard him. This bloody rascal just confessed and laughed about his felonious ways to our very faces!!

Constable Paxman spat some teeth and red froth onto the carpet.

Wait, no. I was explaining how I would have done it if I were... GAK!

My boot stamping on his head cut him off. The Chief Inspector waded into the fray, kicking and stamping too. Then the other Constables.

Finally, panting with exertion we stopped. Barty spat on the bloodied thing that used to be Constable Paxman.

Right under my very nose, a killer, a cold-blooded killer! Thank you Boomy, I don't know what I would do without you. And to think, we almost had it pegged as suicide!

I grimaced as I wiped something spleen-like from my trouser leg.

That's quite alright Barty. The man had a devious criminal mind. He just didn't expect to meet Uncle Boom today, more fool him.

Barty instructed the Constables to drag away the mangled corpse of the Constable she had just witnessed. I strutted over to Lady Liselle.

We found the murderer madame. You can rest easy in your bed tonight.

Although her chest was heaving she seemed remarkably unphased by the bloody ending of the Constable, Her eyes danced as she smiled at me.

Thank you Uncle Boom, I knew it was no mistake involving you in this. You have one of the keenest minds alive!

I clasped her hand gently in one of mine and whispered in her ear.

Oh, that I do. I should burn that handkerchief of yours now, it has some rather dubious stains on it. We wouldn't want it being scrutinised would we?

She gave a little jump like a cow being poked in the swedgers.

I patted her on the derriere. My eyes fixing hers in a cold embrace.

I shall pop by later to discuss how to proceed, please be ready for me... Oh and don't worry...

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