Ahhhh.
I stretched as I padded out to my newly built deck. It was lunchtime and I had popped downstairs to have a coffee and lounge about in the late summer sun.
As I approached the door, I halted.
What was that strange smell? It was like wood that had been soaked in tea and then set on fire? Shit. My deck? Was it ablaze?!
I leapt outside and yelled as if my penis were being attacked by a hoover.
What on earth are you up to?
The Good Lady barked at me from one of the comfy chairs on the lounge'y area of the deck.
I straightened up rather sheepishly and ran a hand through my hair. Damn. I had forgotten that today, with the ever-decreasing COVID restrictions, the Good Lady had invited around a coven of Doulas for lunch.
Nothing was burning except for the witchery in their black hearts.
Afternoon ladies.
I said with a smile and a tip of my head.
They responded with a chorus of hellos, I looked around them. The one on the right with the pierced nose and unfortunately prominent collarbone that made her look like a badly moulded clay jug was The Morrigan, To her left was a flame-haired round thing, Wacca-Wacca and to her left...
Oh, FUCKITY BAWS?!?! It was Olette - the screeching goth magpie of a woman that I had not seen for over a year and a half.
Olette rose and looked at me with dead, amber eyes a crocodile would be proud of.
Oh Boomy, you will be perfect. Perfect!!
She leaned forward and clasped my hands, drawing me toward where the coven was sitting.
A waft of wind carried her brackish decaying scent toward me, a mix of dead things and despairing screams.
Perfect? Perfect for what?
I looked pleadingly at the Good Lady but she merely laughed and nodded along with the rest of them as I was guided into a seat next to Olette.
We were discussing chestfeeding, darling. We need someone to practice with.
Olette cackled and waved a flaccid thing at me that looked like the body of a squid.
Chestfeeding? Like, breastfeeding you mean?
This was confusing, I was more than familiar with breastfeeding having lived in a house where anything that stayed still for five minutes had a boob stuffed in its mouth but chestfeeding??
Was this more politically correct Doula nonsense to go with the tying sticks together and burying potatoes out the back under the cold light of the moon?
Olette stood and moved behind me, her breath hot on my neck.
Let me just strap this onto you?
She hissed like a deflating frog on a spike.
What?! Eh, What you up to?!
Olette reached for my t-shirt and pulled it up until one of my fine man-breests popped out.
Oi!?!
Relax darling, we want to see how comfy the feeder thingamajig is. Come on, help us out?
The Good Lady chirped in with her not really asking voice.
Oh alright.
I grumbled whilst holding my breath and clenching my abs to give the Doula's something to take home for the wank-bank.
Olette fidgeted around my back and seemed to be using the whole event as an excuse to press as many different parts of her bony torso against me as she could.
There, finished. How does it feel?
Olette grinned in triumph.
Erm, it feels alright. Bit tight maybe?
I looked down at my chest where, I realised now, some sort of fake boob milk delivery device attached.
Oh shit, this was weird? It looked boobish. I mean really like a boob. On my chest!? Shit, what if I got an erection? Oh no. Erections are like buses, when you least expect it about three of them will arrive.
Here, how does it feel with baby?
The Morrigan thrust a plastic doll in the direction of my new boob.
Gingerly I took it and stuck its head on the nipple bit.
Uhm, I don't know. Fine...?
I replied despite nothing feeling fine now and perhaps ever again.
Great! Let's get that off you then. Unless...
Olette looked at me searchingly.
You want to keep it on for a while..?
They all laughed and nudged each other as if I were just old meat they were throwing to a hungry dog.
I wrestled the thing off before Olette could get her bony claws at me again and trying my hardest not to flounce, I turned and headed back to the house.
I think I shall take my coffee at my desk.
