Daddy, I have been thinking about my Birthday?
The Little Lady perched up on the side of my chair and looked at me with her giant can't be denied eyes.
Hmmm.
I uttered in what I hoped was a gravelly denying Father kind of way.
Well, Can I get a giant African Land Snail for my birthday. No, actually, can I get TWO?
She bounced up and down, those eyes gleaming with delight at the idea of giant slimy one-footed monsters hauling their big shells about and trashing my house.
My mind boggled. What the fuck was a giant snail? Had I missed something Jurassic Park'y? Had we found one in amber and oh so foolishly resurrected it from the dead?
Should I be getting my gun out?
Did I even have a gun?
All this and more raced through my head before I carefully answered.
A giant what now?! Are you crazy? How big are they? Euugh. Snails?! Are you sure?
In my head, I had visions of the things the size of a large dog, heaving themselves about the house leaving big trails of slime behind them on the carpets before lumping themselves into my bed and forcing themselves upon my hapless penis.
A bit like one of my ex-girlfriends used to.
I shuddered and switched my attention back to the Little Lady who was gabbling away ten to the dozen.
Hang on, hang on, lass. This needs some investigation. I don't even know if you can keep these things as pets?
I hastily pulled the laptop out and hopped onto the web.
I pulled up a result for giant land snails and scanned it quickly. As my eyes roved further and further down the page my mouth gaped wider and wider.
These things were a fucking menace?! Invasive species. They carried diseases. They eat plants and each other and... hang on... They eat bricks and sand for their shell? For fuck sake? They eat bricks and sand?
They eat BRICKS AND SAND?!?!
What if they got out and ate my house?
That was it. Under no circumstances were we getting giant fucking snails. No way. No way on earth.
Listen, lass.
I began.
OH PLEASE, DADDY. PLEEEEEAAAAASE!!! I need them!! I have wanted them for AGES!!!! YOU PROMISED!?!?!
The Little Lady started to wail as If I was the destroyer of all that was good.
Um, erm...
I looked frantically about for the Good Lady for a bit of support but she was nowhere to be seen. Typical. The Little Lady's cries grew louder and more desperate.
I caved.
Ok, lass. We can get giant snails.
