What's that you have there? Asked my fellow Scotsman, Ramon. We were in the kitchen of my house drinking whisky and tying feathers to ourselves in advance of going out to a cèilidh - A long-held Glasgow

Here's to a great new year in advance guys! My mate The Duke held up his glass and the rest of us did likewise to his toast. Cheers! We had popped around to my mate and his wife's house for some festive

Hey baby, come upstairs! The Good Lady yodelled huskily from somewhere in the house. I looked up from my phone where I had been watching a man caulking some bathroom tiles on TikTok. Not a sexual thing

Hello there! The name's John, pleased to meet you! The man on my doorstep stuck out his free hand to shake mine which I did with a little reluctance due to the high number of Mormon drive-bys we have had

You ready for some hard milk? There was a tap at my desk and I looked up to see Toulouse grinning like a buffoon above me. We called him Toulouse because he resembled a big fatty sausage bursting out of

There you are youngster! My neighbour The Jim boomed cheerily at me from my doorstep. I was not sure why he seemed surprised given that only moments before he had rung my doorbell. Alright mate, how are

Finally, it was over. The pushup challenge that I started in November was complete. I am now a shell of a man albeit one with very strong arms. 100 pushups a day for a whole month has been an insane task

It's about my rise. You know, for the job that I got and am doing now? I sat at one side of a desk in a pokey little meeting room that smelled oddly of fried potatoes and the death of hope. Across from

Could you do me a favour and stick a dark wash on? The Good Lady yelled from the depths of the house. I looked up from the beanbag I was sprawled on whilst I navigated the depths of space in Starfield,

Boom, come with me a moment will you? El-Jefe, a cross between a giant amoeba and a fat walrus and who also happened to be my boss crooked a finger at me from a doorway to a nearby meeting room in the

What's that? The Good Lady poked at an opened paper parcel on the table before me. It's a parcel. I looked up at her, my face glum as if I had found a piss-covered pen in the bin with two blue lines on

It is no secret that recently I went with the family holiday to Ibiza for a massive two weeks. Many people asked if I was going clubbing, others asked if this was a mission for the Dark Brotherhood, and

I think we will need some things from the shops. Our shelves are quite empty after having been away on holiday. The Good Lady frowned into an empty cupboard that gaped open emptily like a Romanian student's

Just popping to the toilet chaps. I hoiked myself up from the sun lounger where I had been slowly basting in the Ibiza sun and nodded at the family. The Good Lady fluttered an eyelash or two in acknowledgment

Bloody hell. One of the chaps, Gertrude, sitting beside me in the office threw up his hands and huffed at his screen. What's up with you? I asked curiously. Gertrude was usually a quiet soul who ate sushi.

Hey darling, it's only a week till we go away. Can you print our travel documents out for the holiday? The Good Lady bustled about with some kind of laundry in her hand. It was a supernatural skill she

I sauntered into the living room after finishing work. It had been a long day and I was looking forward to making something tasty to eat and then sitting on my chuff on the couch and examining my belly

Indian Summers are fabulous aren't they? Enthused Florence Gump, a Mummy sort that was standing beside me as I watched my kids play on a rope swing in the local park. If life was a big of chocolates she

You know that Toilet seat that we bought, can you fit it soon please? The old one is horrible? The Good Lady waved in the direction of the toilet as she spoke. Her face was crinkled with disgust as if

Next Friday, one week's time. Bang, OUT! Wetty flounced up to my desk and announced proudly. I raised a genteel yet commanding brow and pushed back on my wheely chair so that I slid majestically back like