Buk Buk

Next Friday, one week's time. Bang, OUT!

Wetty flounced up to my desk and announced proudly.

I raised a genteel yet commanding brow and pushed back on my wheely chair so that I slid majestically back like a four-toed Elk on a frozen lake.

Out? One week from now? Why not say just now, I don't think anyone would mind.

I clucked condescendingly.

I am saying just now ain't I? One week from now, bang bang... Out!

He mimed catching and swallowing large fat penises with one hand and then the other.

Well, if you are saying now don't just tell me. Tell everyone, shout it out, there is no shame in it. Everybody is gay these days.

I gave him a benevolent smile of approval. Truly, it was an enlightened age we lived in. I didn't doubt that he would be roundly congratulated for saying it loud and singing it proud. He might even find himself showered in hot fish yoghurt.

Gay?! What the fuck are you saying? I'm not gay. Where do you get that from?!

His cheeks flushed high with spots of red and he took on a hurt tone.

Oh shit man, sorry. I thought when you were saying "Out" next Friday you were coming out. I was happy for you.

I tried to look suitably embarrassed at Wetty's lack of coming outness.

I mean out for a drink. The Salesforce team are coming out. That's what I mean. Fuck sake, man.

He pouted and did his best not to look very gay indeed.

Oh man, the whole Salesforce team is coming out with you? Like there must be about twelve of them and you are all coming out at once? Fucking hell. And they say that there are no coincidences?!

I patted my brow as if checking for a Saturday Night Fever.

Not coming out out. Going out. Going out for a fucking drink man. Why is it always so hard with you?!

Wetty gritted his teeth and lowered his brow as if he were a slightly angry puppy who couldn't quite get the hang of lifting his leg to pee without falling over.

It's "always hard with me?!" Bloody hell mate, too much information. I know I have always set the ladies' pulses racing and I take it as a compliment that you get a major chub on by my handsomosity but really, you should keep it to yourself a bit.

I lowered my voice so that others wouldn't hear quite how much he fancied me.

Greeeaaargh. I'm not GAY!

He half shouted in frustration.

Around us in the office, a few people popped their heads up then down and some frantic tapping started over Teams chats about how Wetty was loudly denying being gay for all to hear.

Poor bloke, it is difficult to be accepted.

Wetty clenched his fists and took a threatening step toward me.

What I am trying to say is that we are having a night out next Friday and I was asked to ask if you would come?

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself.

I too took a deep breath.

You want me to... I beg your pardon?

I pushed myself a little further away from him in my super rolly chair.

To attend the night out I mean. Next Friday. We are celebrating the closedown of the project.

Wetty said robotically, obviously determined not to rise to any more of my snash.

I looked at him steadily and let the moment stretch out.

No, sorry. I cannot go on a date with you next Friday.

I folded my arms so that I looked both firm and reasonable in rejecting him.