I love this topic even though it is deep and very personal. I love it more because one way or the other, knowingly or unknowingly, it also gives room for us to share that emotion/feeling we find hard to share or talk about.
For me, I've gotten so used to telling people, "I'm fine" or "it is well" when in all honesty I'm not fine and it is not well. I find it hard to communicate how I'm feeling, the pain I'm going through, and how hard everything seems to be. This is not because I'm trying not to pretend, but because I don't like making others worry about me or burdening them with my own burdens.
And it all started when I got ill. I was ill for some years, and while I was on the hospital bed, most times when friends and church members came to pay me a visit, I'd tell them I'm fine. I'm sure they knew better, though, because I had to go through various surgeries, and I'm sure they can see beyond me telling them I'm fine. But you know, it felt easier to just tell them I'm fine rather than start looking weak and explaining everything in the kind of situation I'm in. It was a trying moment for me; the physical pain was one thing, but the fear of what tomorrow or the next hour will be like is hard to explain. I was just hanging on...
With time, I get to see things in a new light; the more I try to keep things and hold them in, the heavier my mind feels. And one of the things that has been helping me is talking it out, not just to anyone but to someone who can actually listen to me. It's a different kind of relief to know you have someone you can talk to who won't rush you but will allow you to talk at your own pace while they listen patiently... Without judging you.
Also, writing has been of great help to me. And here on Hive I've been able to write how I feel countless times. A lot of words that I find hard to say out, I put in words. It even helps me understand how I really feel first before sharing it with the world or with someone else.
And in all honesty, I still find it a little bit hard to be vulnerable. That's why I'm careful with who I share my feelings with. And I've also learned that it is good to ask for help; it doesn't mean I'm weak. What's more important is who you're asking the help from. Some will, at the end of the day, use it against you.
Everyone is facing and battling with something. Some of us are even battling with things you cannot see on the outside, and the best/bravest thing we can do for ourselves at times is to say, "I'm not fine." Or "I need help."
This second topic actually concerns food, and since I'm a little bit of a foodie, I find it hard to ignore. But then I will be quick about it. The meal I love and would never get tired of is rice and beans. It wasn't my best food before, but during my stay at the hospital, any time I was allowed to eat a proper meal, I always requested it. Some thought I would get tired of it once I was fine; surprisingly, that didn't happen. I still love and enjoy eating it.
Rice and beans, to me, carry memories of recovery and hope, and they always remind me to remain grateful for good health and how I'm now able to eat and enjoy proper meals. I love food a lot, like I said earlier, but after checking through all of those fancy dishes, rice and beans still stood out for me... Maybe because of the memories it carries.
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Images are mine.
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