When she's no longer bothering you
When she's no longer clingy
When she's no longer waiting for your help
When she's no longer wanting your presence
When she's no longer pleasing you
When she's no longer slouching
When she's no longer dressing up for everyone
Just know that she's not her anymore, and she will no longer be what she used to be. Because once upon a time, she was that girl.
A girl whose hobby is finding new words but cannot even find her own words.
A girl who pursues a different career because she does not know what future she will have when she writes.
So, she keeps it private. And when she writes, she creates her own world where no one is there to judge. No one would be there to see how her writing is like a facade of her shyness because writing is her fortress, a place of comfort and peace. It can be concluded that she writes to find solitude because only then will she truly know what her heart is capable of feeling and what her mind is capable of storing.
She's a maladaptive daydreamer, and every night she gets to create stories where forever exists and the end is forgotten, where in every life I exist, I will always find my way home, and where time is trapped in a universal dimension. It is a dream that is not forgotten but cannot be gotten.
Not because she fears the virus or her face, but because she knows that no one will know who she is behind that mask. Her identity would be hidden, and no one would take time to know her. The benefits of the mask are not applicable to those who truly know me, but it serves as a notice that I do not like to talk to people at all. Well, it shows my introverted side.
I started my college years by wearing a mask and even a bucket hat to indicate that my voice was not available at the moment. But I failed. Even if I kept wearing a mask and bucket hat, I would always attract people who would make time to talk to me, be with me, and go to places with me. And for that, I am always thankful and grateful because I do not think that I would survive my years in college by being on my own and standing on my own.
And then,
My once upon a time has finally come to an end because it is now replaced with one day, she's no longer that girl.
She's no longer suffocating herself by being too complicated in the world of shyness.
She's no longer hiding her love for dancing and even zumba.
And now she sees colors that others have already seen. The fun and enjoyment that life gives you if you don't limit yourself and if you do your best at every moment of your life. That picture was taken by my friend because I was one of the chosen students to go to the stage to dance zumba with the instructor, and it was fun because after that zumba, we were given some snacks, which I truly enjoyed and have shared with my family.
Indeed, a miracle has happened, and behind that miracle, it was God's work.
I was able to express myself more, and I love dancing just as much as I love listening to music. I mean, I could never get away with dancing because I have a Physical Education (P.E.) course that requires dancing of every type, but folk dance is what I somewhat like among the other types of dance.
She's no longer limiting herself, and she's not holding back any longer.
She's now capable of standing in front of people with fear in her heart, but she will still enjoy that very moment. She will work hard for it and tell herself that she did it. And now, she can walk by herself, go to places by herself, and be on her own. It's a journey that she wants to enjoy and do everything that she can so that she will not hesitate anymore about anything in life that she's passionate about.
At this chapter of my life, I do not want to give up on myself. I want to love myself wholly again, and now I'm slowly getting the love I truly deserve for myself.
From "too much" of giving love
From "too much" bothering others because I wasn't independent enough
From "too much" bothering others because I don't wanna talk
From "too much" of being unable to walk alone
From "too much" of not taking care of myself
From "too much" worsening of my posture
To "not much" of giving love to the wrong person
To "not much" bother others because I can now stand up on my own, slowly but surely.
To "not much" of silence
To "not much" of leaving myself in void
To "not much" of worsening my back
I developed a habit of dressing up for myself to treat myself and court myself. I became a woman who would not go to places I did not fit in because I knew my worth, and I would make my own place.
That's why every woman and man should love themselves and know their worth. Do not stay in a place where your worth is not valued and where you do not belong. Leave, because your value is worth more than that. You have so much to learn and explore. Give yourself a chance to begin a new chapter that lets you do your best and be better. And if you want something, work hard for it. Do it with perseverance. Always take the chance to change yourself for the better, because you will never know what future you can avoid if you can change it a little bit.
